"Community"

and no, I'm not talking about the show (though I really love that show...a lot..check it out on NBC Thursdays).

I'm talking about what "community" means. I think it is a term (like many others) that gets thrown around a lot. At school, we call ourselves the Brown Community. We have communities of faith, communities of color, and the one that is sitting on my heart in particular tonight, is the LGBT community.

Community suggests some sort of commonality - commonality in language, heritage, geography, or some other shared experience. However, I wonder what happens when communities form around hardship. What happens when that commonality is simply common marginalization? I mean, obviously we've seen where marginalization leads to revolution leads to (a sort of) unity. But what are the dysfunctions when people outside of the community begin identifying a community (know what I mean?) What happens when a bunch of straight folks identify those who (for whatever reason) aren't accepted in the straight "community" (and doesn't that sound strange to place an agent identity in a community) and label them as another community despite their differences - specifically the radically different situations presented to gay men vs. lesbian women vs. gay women vs. bi-affectional folks vs. bisexual folks vs. transgender folks vs. transsexual folks vs. every other possible label you can attach to an individual. Is it different if those folks identify themselves as a community - ignoring those vast differences themselves? HOW DOES THAT WORK?

And the to further complicate things - what about people who fall into shades of even murkier gray (as if they haven't already been discussed)? But now, I'm thinking about myself personally. This blog was started to discuss some issues that I think about in my head. I've been pretty bad at actually working those things out here because (un)fortunately I have tons of people who are great at mediating some of that work for me or it simply becomes irrelevant.

In some circles I identify as heteroqueer.
"Kaytlin, what the hell does that mean?"
I have no f*cking clue (sometimes). But actually I've been evolving the definition more and more to reflect what it means for me. which is honestly both the beauty and the bane of labels.
Here's what I used to say:
Heteroqueer means that I'm in a long-term relationship that is heterosexual (hence the hetero) however, I don't want to negate that I may/may not find other genders attractive.

that seemed like a pretty good definition for the year I was first trying on that label. but now. it doesn't fit. Because, while I think all of that is true...my relationship (that heterosexual one) is pretty solid. actually, like, rock/diamond solid. So expressing other attractions that I may/may not have seems petty because it's likely that they won't mean much. That being said...identifying as just straight doesn't feel right either. and I still (for some reason) feel like heteroqueer defines me.
Here's why:
I present as sorta genderqueer meaning I have some stereotypically masculine features. I'm not petite, I'm (certainly) not effeminate, I have short "butch-like" hair, and other typical (and admittedly problematic) "features" - if you will - i.e. I can be extremely crass and un-ladylike (whatever that means).
Further, while I am in a long term straight relationship and Ben identifies as straight (though when I presented the idea of heteroqueer as a label, he didn't disagree), not identifying with the queer "commmunity" -- what does that mean -- seems odd. Especially because so many of my best friends and those that have inspired me to do well have identified with that space/label.

So here's the dilemma:
If I, someone who COULD, in fact, place myself in the AGENT "straight community", choose not to and instead identify with the "LGBTQIA/Queer/Non-straight" community - does that cheapen a sense of community. What if people are already doing that? What if people are being placed in that community that don't want to be there? What if people are being placed in a community that don't belong there? What does community mean? What does it mean, as a social worker or as ANYONE, to be a community builder? What are you building? Is is a superficial space in which identifying individuals is simply made easier for outsiders? Will people naturally form their own small niches which could be construed as communities? Is that the same sort of community?

And what about co-opting an identity (which is sometime what I feel like with my own made up identity)? If that is something that I truly do identify with and yet I'm rejected by the culture/community that I feel that best fits in because I am choosing that label...whose fault* is that? Should I have known that I didn't belong there? Is being heteroqueer still too straight? Is there a line?

Basically what I'm saying is that I question (clearly, because of the amount of ? in this blahg) the notion of community. I question whether there are things that outside people (read: social workers) can do to improve quality of a community that is in distress/need - because while clearly we can help individuals and those individuals will go back to their self-designated niches  - truly helping a "community" (other than simply a geographic location) seems unattainable to me. and perhaps futile.

I should state that I am a macro person - so the sense of community building is along the line I want to go down, however, I think these are important questions to ponder. Also, there may be a simple solution to this - or you may say, "duh Kaytlin, of course we help...we do X, Y, & Z and it's great" - and perhaps it is that simple...but I just needed to think about it.

*I'm not stating implicit "fault" - I'm just saying that in terms of who needs to deal with it...which side accepts the burden?

ponderous moments by kaytlin

hugs,
kaytlin

I'm back for now...

I had to take a little hiatus. it was quite unplanned but also quite necessary.

a lot of things have been happening in that past couple of months. Namely, it's the year we're getting married, which adds a lot more urgency to all things wedding - which is really not my jam.  but we've been managing to cope. we have a few of the much larger things out of the way which is what's really important - people will be able to eat and there will be pictures. I mean, that's pretty much all there is to it, right?

Outside of that, my life has become consumed with school and practicum. which explains most of my absence. It's not that i've been absent from the interwebs, it's just that most of my time/energy is spent either a) researching random shit or b) on facebook because it doesn't require as much of a commitment as you do, blahg.

Other than that, I can't complain too much. I've met some great (GREAT) new people, Ben and I have been together for almost 6 years (in less than a month - woah), and it's getting closer and closer to when Joshua gets back from China (I'm anxious to start a countdown)...

Also, I've been contemplating the use of this blog. Since my life has become rather mundane and drama-free (not that I'm complaining) I feel like I could use this for more academic-y stuff...but then I wonder if I have it in me. I also admire more crafty, trendy blogs like my friend Jillian's but that's not me (at all)...so i may try experimenting with more academic/critical blogs here soon. We'll see what happens. I wish I had more to tell you about my life...but alas, I'm no good at telling personal anecdotes on line.

We'll see what happens with that but for now I just wanted to acknowledge that you still exist as part of my reality. Also, if you haven't checked it out yet..which you probably haven't - you should look up bloglovin' (i linked it in the post right before this one) and find other interesting blogs (more interesting than mine - they usually fall into that crafty/trendy genre). Be inspired.

Also, have a good week.

hugs,
kaytlin

bloglovin' ~

Just a quick note to say:

Follow my blog with bloglovin

this *hopefully* means I'll be posting more often - (when I find the time as opposed to not posting at all ever)

Twas the Day After Christmas

and all through the house..people were sad and disheveled because they drank too much on Christmas.

This is the Hundsdorfer way. Yesterday morning began with early rising in the Baytlin Abode, grabbing presents and Bailey's, driving to Ma's house, making coffee (spiked with said Bailey's..and yes, it was 8:30 in the morning), baked homemade cinnamon rolls, opened presents, and had a raucous good time.

Before Ben and I left to go to his grandfather's for a small lunchtime meal (the first of two..ugh), Donald and Ella were playing around in the basement. Now keep in mind that Santa brought them each lots of great gifts. Were they playing with any of these gifts?! No. They were playing with a plastic Wal-Mart bag. Not even a bag that the gifts came in - a Wal-Mart bag that they found who knows where. And they played with this bag for half an hour. It was amazing and confirmed my belief that children don't need toys..they need packaging. I just sat there in awe, watching them play with this plastic bag. Amazing.

We went to Ben's fam's and it was peaceful and nice. Then we came back to my house where madness yet again ensued. This was the first year that we held family Christmas at my mom's house and it was a lot of fun. I know Ma was stressed out but she was remarkable (as usual). We played games (I won Farkle, justsayin') , drank gratuitous amounts of alcohol, and were often politically incorrect.

Anyway, the point is that this Christmas was grand. The thing about our family that I love is that we don't have to have extravagant things (though the camera I got is pretty cool) but that we all love each other and we like giving more than getting. We also have traditions that aren't traditional (i.e. spiking Grandma's coffee with Bailey's) which make Christmas with my family particularly awesome. And as I get older, I've been able to appreciate it even more, especially since we are getting ready to start our own family - I know that I have a great model of a family and I see care and love in every person who I spend the holidays with.

Anyway, I hope your holidays were great, no matter what you celebrate. I also hope this new year brings wonderful thing. I'm still contemplating new year's resolutions so I'll keep you updated on those things...also, in the new year I'll be able to say that I'm getting married thisyear. Weird. :)

hugs,
kaytlin

Wrapping Up...

...more than just presents.
As I type this, I've just finished my Life Assessment paper and have started thinking about my Advocacy packet. The Advocacy Packet is the last assignment I have in my first semester of grad school. Granted, I still have one more final but I'm not counting that for now. It's sorta surreal how much has changed in the past 5 months.
I went from being at my home away from home (urbana) with my family there to moving close enough back home to say I've moved back home. I'm going to grad school which basically means I'm pretending to be an adult. I've made lots of great new friends who I am REALLY thankful for. In so many ways. And I'm already a quarter of the way done with grad school. Like boom. semester two. real stuff. practicum. what?!
And I've been super busy with homework and Ben's been doing his thing, but we're still madly in love. which is good to be able to say after 5 and a half years. But even more important than that, we still make each other laugh - and not like giggly laughs (though there is that) but like guttural laughs that reverberate and make you cry. I love those laughs.
We're preparing to celebrate our 6th Christmas together. That sorta seems like a lifetime. But actually it's really short. and there will be so many more.
But anyway, it is strange and wonderful all at the same time and sometimes I just like to think of all those things I have to be grateful for or those things I should be in awe of everyday. Not just thanksgiving. So all of those things that were on my thanksgiving list, I'm still thankful for right now. and all other times.
and there are other things I'm thankful for, too, like:
seedless cuties
microsoft word reference maker
Summer and Winter TOMS
apple cinnamon candles
gummi things
music
netflix
google
coupons
spinny rings
humor
sarcasm
cameras
hoodies/sweatpants
microfiber blankets
and lots of other stuff. TONS of other stuff.
anyway, here's to the end of a semester and the beginning of break! *clink*
love, kayt

I'm feeling particularly grateful...

...which may be a little about the time of year (Thanksgiving and all) but also a little bit about my procrastinating on school work.

And often I think about all I have to be grateful for and it's amazing. I have so many wonderful things going on in my life right now and I'm extremely humbled by what I have. There is this facebook thing goin' around about the 20 people you are grateful for. I like it, but I don't necessarily wanna do it there. So I thought I would do something similar here. That being said, I'm going to list just a few of the people/things that I am grateful for in no particular order.

1. Benjamin. because you get me. and because I get you. and we still love each other. which is amazing.
2. Mama. because you are my rock always. and you listen to me scream with tears running down my face and can still remember to tell me to breathe.
3. DC. because I always remember the one night and the many night since that I have felt protected and loved by you.
4. Gma and Gpa. because you have been supportive even when I know it was hard to be supportive. and I'm pretty grateful I have a relationship with you.
5. Anna. because you listen without judgment and you get it. even when you don't get it, you get it. because our relatively short relationship doesn't seem so short at all.
6. Josh. because sometimes you need a crazy story to tell. and a best friend to do crazy things with.
7. Courtney. because you care so much and love so vehemently.
8. Jimmy. because sometimes you need the person you've been friends with for lots of years.
9. School. because I'm so lucky to have the opportunity to continue challenging myself and learning.
10. Ross. because sometimes guidance and role modeling should include Arrested Development quotes and snarky sarcasm.
11. Brown School friends. because sometimes we can't have filters but we still need people to understand that we can't always have filters.
12. Donald and Ella. because sometimes I need a reason to color in coloring books and read children's stories and live the childhood I didn't really have.
13. Laughter. because sometimes a workout should include abs that hurt from laughing and cheeks that hurt from smiling.
14. Health. because I have safe water and access to health care, which many people can not say.
15. Art. because art in any form provides outlets for emotion and provides aesthetically pleasing stimuli which make me happy.
16. Rex. because you make Mama happy and you do for me as though I were your own. 
17. Megan P. because you have encouraged me to be the best ally I can be.
18. freedom. because my well-being relies on being able to challenge and question and go against the status-quo.
19. Sue Asher. because you have been an unexpected source of TONS of support for several years.
20. My UofI family. because even though I'm not there and I miss you all like no other, I know that there is still a support system in place if I need to call upon it.

Clearly I'm thankful for much more than this. And perhaps I will expand upon this list because I'm also thankful for a lot of arbitrary things like Nerd candy, the internet, rice, books, and coffee(shops) but not for any deeper of a reason than they give me sensory pleasure somehow. I clearly also missed a lot of people who are very important to me. But it feels like a good time to express some of this, at least, it's as good a time as any.
now back to this midterm that nags at me.
peace.

Here comes the...

...person who happens to be walking down the aisle.

Just kidding, but seriously..I'm not a bride. I don't feel like a bride. And I don't want to feel like a "bride." A bride is someone (or something) that is ornate. I am not an ornate person. I don't like feeling ornate. I like feeling comfortable. and simpy. but classy. yet casual. that's me. Do you know how many brides are like me? none. (that's a lie)

But when searching for wedding dresses, that's what it felt like. We (and by "we," I mean "I"..) tried on like 800 dresses which was really more like 15 dresses total, but it seemed like 800. And not one screamed "pick me because you'll feel comfortable and look classy while being simple and conveying the casualness of your wedding" or anything even remotely like that. As a matter of fact, most of them that I tried on said "well, maybe, but only if you want to feel stuffy or self-conscious or like a glutton because you just spent $300 on a dress you don't REALLY want." So anyway, Mom and I did the whole "Mom and daughter go dress shopping and have wonderful bonding moments over how beautiful the daughter is in the dresses and how wonderful her wedding day will be" except it was more like "Mom and daughter go dress shopping and have hilarious bonding moments over how awkward daughter looks in dresses and how ridiculous dress shop workers are and how hilarious the wedding will be because it is so unwedding like."
Good times.
But then, something just short of a miracle happened. We went to a well-known dress shop in my hometown. It was a last ditch effort and we had extremely low expectations. I didn't even try on a dress the first time I went in because we had been working in the attic all day and smelled like we had been working in the attic all day. We found a couple dresses that, I'll admit, on the hanger were not the most appealing but we decided we'd come back and see what we thought for real. And we did. And I found THE ONE. The One that is The One besides Ben. I tried on a dress and it felt like pajamas. And there was no beading or lacyness (though I had grown fond of lace, which is UBER strange). And it is chic. But super comfy. Basically it covered all four of my criteria (see first paragraph for criteria).
Now you may be saying, "Yes, Kaytlin, but surely this magical dress required your life savings and the promise of your first born child. Is it really worth it?"
Let me tell you, my friend, that it did not ask such things. As a matter of fact, it was LESS THAN HALF of what those poser dresses asked of me. Shh. this dress does NOT realize its worth.

So that's been a WONDERFUL thing to check off my list of wedding type things. Besides that I got this little thing we like to call a PRACTICUM in Brown School.

Actually this is a huge deal, if you didn't catch my poorly executed written sarcasm. It may be the biggest source of stress and subsequently the biggest sigh of relief that a first year student feels. It's at this lovely place called Stepping Stones to Success, Inc. They do workshops and programming around leadership, diversity and anti-bias, AND sex ed. It's like it's custom made for me. Plus it's a sweet deal that comes with laptop, printer, and desk. Huzzah.

 As for the things I discussed in my last blog, well, most of the air has been cleared. Life has calmed down considerably.
I have this feeling, though, that I'm forgetting to inform you of something.

**edit: that thing was the fact that I'm the new co-chair of Outlook,the Brown school's LGBTQA group, which I'm super excited about, despite what my forgetting may convey**

alright. well, I'm gonna go because actually while I'm attempting to be witty writing here I should be spending this energy writing a midterm, or a life assessment paper, or my gender presentation.
g'nite my loves (all 3 of you, ha)