More in depth

So I posted some pictures yesterday but now I'll go more in depth (and include some more pictures) about our wedding day and what it means to me.

Our wedding was purely ceremonial, meaning that no papers were actually signed that day (due to an insurance debacle that has since been cleared up and papers were officially signed on August 21st). We knew we weren't signing any papers and we didn't know how long it would be until we were actually able to be "officially" married.

We decided to go ahead and have the ceremony because of my grandmother's precarious memory and Ben's grandpa's age, and the fact that our best friends were heading off on new journeys of their own. It was the singular moment in time in which everyone was loved and cared about were all simultaneously available. Surprisingly (or maybe not), that didn't make the day any less special. In fact, it made it seem more true to who we are.

We are both LGBT allies that struggled with the idea of participating in the institution of marriage (as I've written about here and here) so this seemed like a logical compromise until we were able to get married and keep Ben's insurance and it would still give me piece of mind that we hadn't completely given in. We were also able to add all of the pieces of our ceremony that we wanted (including The Lovely Love Story and I Like You) without feeling too much pressure to conform to a wedding "as it should be." We are a fun, chill couple and the best compliment we received on the wedding was that it was "so Kaytlin and Ben."

Of course, planning a wedding, no matter how relaxed, is never easy. We had a lot of handmade things, like pinwheels and origami flowers that added to the beauty and simplicity of the wedding, but those are difficult to make, especially because we didn't really know what we were doing. And you can never control for how your family is going to be. I talked about some of my wedding woes which were eventually all cleared up and it meant the world to me to know that my WHOLE family was together in one room, whether they were necessarily happy or comfortable with it. They even talked to each other a bit, something I never expected in my wildest dreams.

 Our wedding was perfect for us. There isn't a single thing I would change. My face hurt from smiling, my eyes were wet with tears of joy, and my heart swelled with the love I had for my new husband and for my beautiful family and friends. I try to recall every moment of that day, from my uncle singing Billy Joel's "You're My Home" to the cupcakes, to the rosebud and picture frame of Ben's father who passed away a few years ago. From the iPod playlist that Ben put together, to the wedding that we designed ourselves, we ensured that we were present in every detail.

 

Perhaps some of my favorite memories are those of the smiles of my family and friends as they really enjoyed themselves (which could have a lot to do with the beer and wine), showing me that we throw a damn good party.And they WERE happy. for us. Because they know that we make each other want to be better people and we make each other happy. And that's what really matters.

So now, you should probably enjoy this video that Ben put together with the pictures from our homemade photobooth. It's pretty awesome and includes most of my favorite people.

 

PS you'll need to turn the sound on because it's got a song that goes along with it and might give you goosebumps.

Blogging is Hard

Clearly it's been awhile. And clearly lots of things have happened. 

For example, this... 

Followed by this:

And then this:

with these:

 

After doin' a little bit of this:

Some of this happened:

But mostly it was this:

I looked like this throughout the day (Plus or minus a little sweat):

And I got to marry this man:

And we finally, officially, became this:

Mr. Benjamin and Mrs. Kaytlin!

One of the happiest days of my life thus far. And so many more to go!

Pictures were taken by Candice Ivie of Ivie Photography.

A feminist wedding

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been thinking about this and what it means. I realize that this blog has crept away from that and has turned into a space where I get pissed about injustice and then briefly update you about the facts of what is happening wedding-wise. Rarely have I been thinking critically (in this space) about the decisions we've been making because, in all honestly, the big decisions were made with what resources we have available to us within our budget and the other decisions we made (not to have my father give me away, not using fresh cut flowers) seemed like No Duh decisions.

That being said, I still maintain that we are having a feminist wedding. And we are..I'm not just sayin' it because it sounds right. All of those No Duh things are still conscious decisions that we made. We are also using my grandmother's vintage ring that she had re-made out of her original wedding set (sentiment galore). My grandmother is a feisty/snarky woman who has been with my grandpa for 57 years. Very little about our wedding is traditional. I mean, we're having a reading about dinosaurs, for goodness sake. But I also understand that just because something isn't traditional doesn't necessarily make it feminist and there are plenty of things that are verging on traditional. We are having a wedding party (albeit small) and my brother, though clearly not my father, is walking me down the aisle (and he will NOT be giving me away).

I'm also not suggesting that if you have an entirely traditional wedding, you can not be a feminist. Forcing people to subscribe to certain ideals that put people into boxes is the opposite of feminism. But it's important to me that we think really critically about the traditions and not participate in the ones that don't suit us (which is a lot, especially for this super formal event). Striking the balance between maintaining the solemnity and sacredness of a wedding while still injecting our personalities in the wedding has been a challenge. There have been many temptations to turn the whole ordeal into a shit show because it would be funny and we like to laugh - and my go-to when I'm nervous is to make a joke but then we remember that this day is not ALL about us...it's about our family and friends that are choosing to spend that time with us.

So to recap:
Feminist decisions:

• Dad not walking me down the aisle
• Making pinwheels and origami flowers as opposed to pollution prone cut flowers
• using vintage jewelry (both my grandmother's pearls and wedding ring)
• Having readings that reflect egalitarian values
• Choosing vows that also reflect egalitarian values
• Not going into debt for a day that will be undoubtedly awesome, but hopefully not the best day of my life (I'm far too young for that)
• Choosing a dress that is necessarily comfortable and "me" as opposed to what someone else thinks I should be wearing
• Instead of gifts at the bridal shower (which was actually an origami folding party), my maid of honor collected a donation from the attendees that she donated to Access Africa, a women's empowerment organization*
• Giving a student of photography the opportunity to build her portfolio (win-win situation)
• No strip clubs or topless bars for either bachelor or bachelorette parties
• having friends or local businesses provide a majority of the services

Not particularly feminist decisions:

• Having my brother walk me down the aisle
• Getting married in a church
• Following traditional guidelines (bridal shower, wedding party)
• Growing my hair out for the wedding
• ...And I'm sure some other things

Now again, I'm not saying that those things are inherently NOT feminist - I'm just saying that they do represent some concessions on my part that I felt were necessary to honor really important people in my life.

So when people ask me how the wedding is going or if I'm looking forward to getting married or any permutation of those questions - this is the dilemma that goes through my head. It's difficult for me to reconcile my privilege in getting married, even now that I'm less that 40 days out. And I still have some guilt around it, even though I'm super happy to be making this public commitment to Ben. But I'll deal with it. and it will be a happy, joyous occasion.


Eh. Long post. Unexpected. Sorry.


love, kayt

*not my idea, but done because she is my best friend and knows my ideals

A Mild Rant...and some other updates

So today hasn't been the greatest day for my opinion of the Brown School.
First, the WRC at U of I posted some pictures from a few of the amazing events from last year which made me miss all those good times. Plus I had long hair. Which is just weird.
Then I found out that some of the faculty at Brown School are debbie-downers and like to rain on my social justice parade. Which is likely to have not happened at U of I..and if it had, I at least would have known who had my back. Here...not so much. which makes me miss U of I that much more.

I don't understand why rocking the boat and asking difficult questions is so frowned upon here. For instance, WHY exactly doesn't the school of social work at a supposedly liberal school (granted, we are in Missouri so it probably is about as liberal as it gets here) not have gender neutral bathrooms? And why am I being discouraged (oh so subtly) from advocating for them. Isn't that in our NASW code of ethics? yes. in fact it is. I should know because I've had to read them approximately 873,203 times. And that was just first semester. Apparently we like status quo here...so I probably should have specified in my essays coming into this program that that's just not how I roll. Oops.
Perhaps if that was my only let-down, it wouldn't be so bad. Oh, misfortune!

Hopefully some of the meetings I have coming up will assuage my disappointment. But alas.


So you want so good news now? HOW ABOUT  PHOTO BOOTH PROPS?!

Instead of paying some money (what Ben may call too much) for a proper photo booth, we are going to put photo booth props on the tables and potentially put together a makeshift photobooth. We aren't the proper type anyway.

I'm pretty excited about it, because I mean, who doesn't love a mustache on a stick? I certainly do and if you don't, you are no friend of mine. (well, you might be, I'm not trying to make that generalization). And we're starting on the pinwheels and all that good stuff, so work will actually be getting done.

And this weekend I have the first of my training for the Anytown camp, which is really exciting to me because I want to flex my diversity brain muscles again. Also because I came up with a really awesome idea and I want to flesh it out. More on that later.

It's summertime, which I'm using to get my foot in the door with some admin here and to get my activist agenda moving plus it's wedding crunch time - well, as crunchy as crunch time gets for me and Ben. Things are happening. I just hope they keep moving in the direction I want and that these "setbacks" are few and far between.

hugs,
kayt

odd mood

lots of people asked me today and the day before if I was okay. which I found to be odd. I mean, I'm not particularly NOT okay...i just feel....odd.

The way I described it was that my head and body felt all buzzy. I don't know how else to describe it. I imagine it's sort of what restless leg syndrome feels like only in your brain and your whole body.

I imagine that this has a heck of a lot to do with classes finishing up and me not quite being ready for that. But there's probably a little bit of that that has to do with wedding-ness and all of the stuff that goes along with that.

Sometimes I get all existential and think about my reality versus what I imagine other people imagine is my reality. You know...like I think about what people must think about my life versus how my life has played out. And I wonder if there is a disconnect. In some ways, with some people, I KNOW there is a disconnect. And I wish there were an easier way to bridge that gap. but sometimes that feels selfish.

Like today, I know I was in a weird mood from my conversation with ma last night. Again, not particularly bad but also not particularly good. And people continue to ask if I'm okay. which leads to a couple of things for me.
1. If this is what I'm like in a weird mood and people notice...what am I like in an un-weird mood that people identify with more? In other words, what makes me seem normal?
and 2. How and am I able to truly convey the meaning of the oddness without seeming like I'm digging for something in particular? Can I say that it's because of this seemingly random happenstance of my family discussing my father/my mother's life story without me there and I'm still struggling with it? (I know I CAN say that...) but can I say it in a way that doesn't sound purposefully vague or like I'm fishing for questions? Because that's what it sounds like to me..and I don't want to sound like that. I'm also not opposed to answering questions. It's a strange predicament.

but yeah. so that's the strange mood I'm in. compounded with school work, it seems stressful. And yet, I blog. Oh life.

Fair Warning: This will be a political blog

So the government is approximately 4 and a half hours away from a shut down. That says something about the place we're in. When we've become too stubborn and ideological to see logical compromises. While my heart hurts because of the repercussions this shut down will have for minority and underprivileged populations, I think that this could be the reality check that 'Merica needs.

I think this could be the opportunity to show that, as a matter of fact, we aren't "hot shit," if you know what I mean. We aren't World Saviors, we aren't Better Than Everyone, we aren't Democracy Leaders because, you know what, our current leaders don't know what democracy means. A bold statement, I know, but in some ways it's true. There's this ethnocentric assumption that because we are born in the supposed "Land of the Free" that we automatically operate under democratic assumptions and ideals but that's really not true. These are things that we have to be taught and we have to learn how to execute. And with textbook reforms and muddled lessons in civics because of necessary budget cuts to education - we might never have the opportunity to learn how to do that.

We also assume that because we live in a "democratic society" that we are the world leaders and the teachers of democracy. But let's be honest, how many people in this country are well-versed and have experience in starting a democratic society? None. Because WE didn't start this democratic society. It was started 250ish years ago by people who WEREN'T politicians and who WERE humble. They probably wouldn't have accepted $100,000 (or the equivalent at that time) while their military and the rest of the country couldn't pay rent and buy groceries because their pay has been frozen.

They probably also wouldn't have placed the federal budget into an ideological stalemate. Because you know what the founders of this country were good at? (Hint: it's not Christianity) - They were really good at compromise. And real compromise...not that one party folds. Remember when we had people like the "Great Compromiser" - Henry Clay who fought hard to ensure that everyone got a little bit of what they wanted? Who is that guy now? Oh right. He doesn't exist.

So perhaps we need to understand that we fail stuff, too. Let's lay off the gays for supposedly ruining marriage and the Muslims for practicing religion freely in a country where freedom of/from religion/religious persecution was the founding principle and acknowledge that, oh hey, sometimes the white straight male folks (and some white straight females) ain't so great, huh? Because the white. straight, male/female folks are giving themselves a pay check while preventing those women from protecting themselves, preventing clean air from even having a chance to exist in our beloved country, and preventing free thought from being thunk, and if that's democracy...it sucks. A lot.

I'm grateful for the freedoms I have. I'm grateful that I can say these things without fear of persecution. I'm grateful I'm a woman who has had the opportunity to go to school (heavily relying on Federal loans, yes). But just because I'm grateful for my state of being, that doesn't mean I'm happy and complacent with the state of being for others. Because that's what being a social worker means: acknowledging the privilege that you possess but not being content with that privilege because SOMEONE ELSE didn't have that opportunity. AND THAT'S NOT FAIR. THAT'S NOT JUSTICE. THAT'S NOT FREEDOM. It is my responsibility to create fairness, justice, and freedom  in every way I can...even if that is just words on an infrequently read blog.

Getting Closer...

So we're closing in quickly on the 3 month mark til the day. And yet, nothing much in my demeanor has changed. I don't feel any more or less antsy (I'm letting Ma handle all of those nervous feelings). We've had a couple more conversations about how we want it to actually look but eh, not really. We're both so busy that we hardly have time to decide what to do for dinner (at 9pm, mind you) much less what our wedding 3 months from now is going to look like.

That being said - HOLY CRAP THE WEDDING IS 3(ish) MONTHS FROM NOW. where did all that time go? oh right. to the abyss that is professional school. eff.

and that's a little insight to how I deal with all of this. I am goooooooooooood and then I'M NOT. that's how I handle life, though, I mean, if we're being honest. (which I am).

I appreciate my friends (new and old) more and more though - because in some ways they force me to think about these things (which I should be thinking about if I really want it to happen with any particular flair) but they also allow me to poopoo the wedding and shake it off like it's no big deal.

because it's not a big deal. and then sometimes it is.
conflict is my middle name, by the way.

and then sometimes, really funny or awesome things pop up places and make me real happy and make me forget things like school, practicum, wedding, and family drama. Things like:

**[thank goodness for autosave because in order to look for this link, I accidentally click exit on this window...ugh]**

or things like a good friend's birthday. Which, speaking of, you should go visit my good friend Jillian's page (which I know I've linked before) and enter her fabulous birthday giveaway - I mean because really? Who else gives stuff away on their birthday? She does. Because that's how awesome she is. Oh and while you are there, you should probably vote for her blog in the top baby blog contest (which is at the bottom of her page) - because her son, Cash, is the most darling baby boy. Darling!

you can also click there. because that will be awesome, too.

anyway, it's the small things in life that make you happy. and it's important to be grateful for all things - including that really bad, gonna make the wedding awkward but unique, sort of stuff.
hugs,
kaytlin