odd mood

lots of people asked me today and the day before if I was okay. which I found to be odd. I mean, I'm not particularly NOT okay...i just feel....odd.

The way I described it was that my head and body felt all buzzy. I don't know how else to describe it. I imagine it's sort of what restless leg syndrome feels like only in your brain and your whole body.

I imagine that this has a heck of a lot to do with classes finishing up and me not quite being ready for that. But there's probably a little bit of that that has to do with wedding-ness and all of the stuff that goes along with that.

Sometimes I get all existential and think about my reality versus what I imagine other people imagine is my reality. You know...like I think about what people must think about my life versus how my life has played out. And I wonder if there is a disconnect. In some ways, with some people, I KNOW there is a disconnect. And I wish there were an easier way to bridge that gap. but sometimes that feels selfish.

Like today, I know I was in a weird mood from my conversation with ma last night. Again, not particularly bad but also not particularly good. And people continue to ask if I'm okay. which leads to a couple of things for me.
1. If this is what I'm like in a weird mood and people notice...what am I like in an un-weird mood that people identify with more? In other words, what makes me seem normal?
and 2. How and am I able to truly convey the meaning of the oddness without seeming like I'm digging for something in particular? Can I say that it's because of this seemingly random happenstance of my family discussing my father/my mother's life story without me there and I'm still struggling with it? (I know I CAN say that...) but can I say it in a way that doesn't sound purposefully vague or like I'm fishing for questions? Because that's what it sounds like to me..and I don't want to sound like that. I'm also not opposed to answering questions. It's a strange predicament.

but yeah. so that's the strange mood I'm in. compounded with school work, it seems stressful. And yet, I blog. Oh life.

For the one that I love

Today marks the 6th year that I've been with the love of my life and the 1st year of our engagement.

Sometimes I think back at all we've been through and its been a lifetime of things...already.

Together, we've survived:

1. The tragic and sudden deaths of not one, but 2 classmates in high school.
2. Graduating high school and embarking on an exciting new journey together to college.
3. A devastating 1st semester of college, complete with clinical depression and medication.
4. Becoming an aunt and uncle 3 times over.
5. The death of his wonderful grandmother followed by...
6. The death of his wonderful father. (RIP Chuck)
7. Establishing our first "home" on our college campus.
8. Establishing our family away family at U of I.
9. The end of therapy and medication
10. Political Activism complete with being FOIA'd
11. A road trip that spanned 22 days and only 5 showers
12. Getting accepted into our first choice graduate and professional schools.
13. Graduating from college.
14. Moving 160 miles back home to our next home together.
15. A 600+ beer bottle collection
16. Getting engaged.
17. Family madness because we're engaged (and they realize what that means come wedding day)
18. Planning a wedding
19. Cold feet (in the literal sense, not the figurative one)
20. Dental School and Social Work school

And actually, this doesn't even begin to cover it. Sometimes I try to think of my life without Ben and well, it's really hard. It's not impossible...because it shouldn't be impossible, but it also really sucks when I think about it. He's my rock, he's my comfort, he's my laughter, and he's my home.

I love you, Benjamin Ian, with all my heart.

Conversing

I've been lucky enough to have a lot of support and interest from people in my life about this whole wedding thing. Yesterday I had the great pleasure of discussing feminist weddings with a friend of mine from my senior seminar. She, too, is a betrothed feminist (I would say engaged feminist, but that can have other meanings, too). It was really interesting talking to her because we both have very different approaches to our weddings but overall, our ideas of marriage are similar.

We were discussing some of the questions people have asked us (and she has had a lot more questions than I have). It's amazing what people come up with. It's astonishing how many people are happy that we're getting married, but when we question the traditions of marriage - people question why we're getting married. It's sort of ironic. Something is strange about people happy for you to do something but only in a certain way. Why can't we do this how we want to, DAMNIT!

Anyway. we on a little hiatus of wedding planning seeing as we're in the closing weeks of the semester. It's a little hectic right now between activism and finals and papers and madness. I'm really looking forward to the end. Although, I'm feeling bits and pieces of that detachment from the people here. *deep sigh*

Alas, we are still working on our place to stay - i.e. signing the lease, figuring the logistics of moving in, etc. Also slightly stressful.

I'm going to stop complaining now. It's been a really awesome day - and I have to keep reminding myself to take these things one day at a time. As much as I'm looking forward to the end, I gotta remember to appreciate them. Cheesy, right? .....yeah. eh.

that's it for now. stay tuned.

Great news!

I found out last night that cousin Marv can do our engagement photos! Huzzah! That's what I really care about a lot (not that I don't care about the wedding pictures...) so that's VERY exciting. It really made my night last night when I found that out.

It's also Good Friday, so we're going home this evening and tomorrow is going to be an insane day...hopefully. I'm going to be dyeing Easter eggs, having a potential walk-through of the house again, and making it to SIUE to make some copies for a friend. Not to mention all of the preparing that we'll probably have to do for Sunday. None of this is wedding stuff, though I'm sure at some point - it will creep in there. It tends to do that.

I'm also Ally of the month this month. Which is pretty exciting and it's an honor I'm really proud of. It's also Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Ben's super involved being the president of Men Against Sexual Violence. I'm pretty lucky to have found a guy who's a feminist and will openly call himself a feminist and will speak at rallies and such. Which is also what makes this feminist wedding thing infinitely better. I know that I'm not just doing this stuff and he couldn't care less either way...he wants it to happen, too.

Well, anyway - just wanted to give that brief update on the state of pictures. If anyone has suggestions for photographers (that aren't pricey) or knows how to use a good camera and has a bit of artistic inclination...let me know.

hugs,
Kaytlin

The mess has turned..

Into something extraordinary.

Last night - on our 5 year anniversary - the love of my life proposed to me. I'm now engaged, which is weird to say. But it's also wonderful. and strange. It's like this weird feeling of absolutely loving it and not quite knowing what to do with it.

Here's what I mean:
I do social justice work. I see inequity in a lot of places in life with the people I work with daily. Some of my closest friends may not get to marry if that's what they want to do because of who their chosen partner is. I can get married because of circumstances like my partner just so happens to be of the appropriate gender for my gender..whatever that means.
I don't like where the idea of "weddings" comes from. It's a "woman as property" mentality. The father gives away the bride. The groom puts a ring of possession on the bride's finger. She's veils her face for modesty. It all screams patriarchy and subservience to me. Not what I want to perpetuate.
That being said:
I have the ability to get married, to have the benefits of marriage (of which there are many). No movement needs martyrs. By my not getting married, it doesn't mean that some non-normative couple somewhere can get married. I'm not taking marriage away from any one - but does it mean that I'm supporting an institution that discriminates? Does it matter?
The ring is beautiful. I'm not going to lie, I really like it. Ben didn't ask my dad. I might have my dad and brother walk me down the aisle. Not to give me away but so I don't fall. Okay, maybe not, but seriously...only because it's an honor that most fathers want..and I feel that my brother deserves. What honor is that? I'm not sure. At this point, the giving away has lost its literal meaning but I suppose there are still connotations of that. Ben and I also have a relationship that defies patriarchy in a lot of way. We are equal partners in our relationship. We share housework. He may one day make more than me, but because he will "deserve" to - because he will be a dentist. I make more than he does now.
It's tricky, this engagement thing. Especially because we will have a long engagement. Plenty of time to think about these issues with the institution that I have. But I'm excited. I'm happy to call him my fiance. It fits us well.
I'll deal with these issues, I'm sure. It's only been a day. Wish me luck
love and kisses,
Kayt