Master...

Welp. I've completed my master's program. In two weeks, I'll walk across a stage, again, receive a diploma {cover}, get hooded, shake hands, and probably cry. I'll put three letters at the end of my signature (all the time) and I'll feel successful. Well, almost. I've got a little birdie in my ear that keeps saying "Kayt, what you really want is a PhD." And I just keep flicking it away...because I need a break. I'm pretty mentally and emotionally exhausted. Especially after the past few months. So I'm looking forward to May 18th.



But I'm not looking forward to the inevitable good-byes which seem to be starting all too soon. I don't deal well  with separation. At all. Partly because I think that I love a bit too fiercely for my own good. And partly because, well, my life has been filled with all sorts of untimely separations. And my feelings get hurt a bit too easily, probably. Which is why I keep saying that I'm just going to collect all of my people and keep them with me. All of the time.

It probably doesn't help that there is just the large UNKNOWN looming in front of me. The type of unknown that begs the question: was it worth it? and did you make the right decision two years ago? I feel REALLY GOOD about where I am right now. But sometimes I don't feel so good. Like when I think about how maybe I should've gotten a masters in higher education. or something like that. But I am where I need to be. I trust in that.

So for now, I'm going to read some books that I borrowed from the library/books I've been waiting to read for awhile.* And I'm going to be okay with where I am. Because one day, things that need to happen, will happen. and I'll be okay then...

*Books are:
The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
Jazz - Toni Morrison
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - Jonathan Safran Foer
Atypical: Life with Asperger's in 20 1/3 Chapters - Jesse Saperstein
The Whipping Girl: Julia Serano

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Reality Check

So while watching a television program about the incarceration rates of black males and the cycles of incarceration and I had a reality check about my own privilege and wow, does that make you think.

This program discussed how 1 in 12 black men are incarcerated and with the family cycles that perpetuate the rates of incarceration (not to mention the rampant racism that is inherent in the prison industrial complex) that statistic is slated to reach a preposterous 1 in 3 black men with the next generations. There were interviews with a man who was being released from prison and his partner, as well as a man who had recently been released and was seeking employment and his step-father, along with the rest of his family. What struck me was how the partner of the man who was in prison stated that every man in her life had been or currently was incarcerated. Because of this, she was concerned about her own children's trajectories and was adamant about the cycle stopping with her children.

This led me to think about my own family structure. Every older male on my father's side, save for one uncle and my brother, has spent a night in prison at least, though many have served much longer prison sentences, including my father. Granted, I did not spend much time with my father's side of the family but I DID spend a lot of time with my father prior to his own incarceration. Watching that program, I couldn't help but wonder, what if I hadn't been white? What if my father and his family weren't white? It is nearly certain that I wouldn't be on the same path and in the same place I am currently.

Granted, I did not grow up in a neighborhood where violence and drug-use were the norm. My mother was a strong figure who very much influenced my path. My grandparents had a strong influence and my siblings, though not the brightest in the bunch all the time, were fairly law abiding. While my mother was a single mom raising two kids and I often subsided on Ramen noodles, I never felt impoverished, nor did I ever go to sleep hungry that I can recall. Clearly these are all factors that influence rates of imprisonment but yet, it still begs the question, why do these issues disproportionately affect African Americans? (Hint: the answer isn't that they simply commit more crimes.) On NPR, there was a statistic that stated that while 5x more white folks are abusing drugs, 13x more black men are serving time. That's serious.

So again, my whiteness. and how today, I'm feeling particularly thankful for how the cards have fallen. I have an awareness about a lot of things, like exactly how many prison doors one must go through to see their father, or what eating three meals out of a vending machine is like because that's the only food available in a prison visiting room. I also sometimes remember that this is my reality, even though it is in my past. It is my reality and not very many other people in my immediate world share that reality. Which is isolating. And frustrating. But I'm also grateful because I know that there are parts of the world, parts of my world, where my reality is the norm and that's sad. And it's all because of that cycle that I was never meant to be a part of...because I'm white. And I'm owning that tonight and being grateful for my blessings.

Guest Blog: AWESOME EDITION

So some of the readers of this blog may know that before I started my work in Diversity and Social Justice education, I worked predominantly in Sexual Assault Education. It was in Sexual Assault Education that I honed my skills as a facilitator because, as one may imagine, facilitating about sexual assault and rape at a Big Ten university where more than 1 in 5 undergrads* were part of the Greek system is not the easiest feat. 


While I no longer work in sexual assault, I am always drawn to critical pieces about sexual assault and rape culture and the efforts that are being made to address those issues. I am SO SO SO HAPPY to be able to share one of those pieces with you. You should count yourself lucky because this piece is about to get leaked to Feministing and Ms. blogs but you'll be able to say that you saw it here first before it was huge - and I know how you hipsters like to say shit like that.


About the author: JS is a fabulous woman who I not only worked with in Undergrad but also who I consider one of my greatest friends and mentors. She is sarcastic, funny, but also one of the most genuine and sincere women that I have ever met. She has one of the fiercest personalities and she uses it almost daily, which is why I love her so. 


*I should say that Greek Life doesn't inherently mean Sexual Assault and I'm in no way trying to taint Greek Life with Sexual Assault. However, there is certainly a fraternity culture that provides resistance to teaching about rape culture and sexual assault. Some of the most active male allies I've ever met are upstanding Greek men who have also encountered resistance from their frat brother. justsayin'.




So without further ado, JS and her Thoughts on SlutWalk:



As a sexual violence prevention educator, I find hope in the grassroots activism and passion that radiates from Slutwalk.  Anything that gets people talking, that breaks down the myths and reduces victim shaming is a step in the right direction. This activism is so badly needed in a society that still justifies violent victimization by what women are wearing or how they choose to spend their Friday nights.  The photos of women clad in sneakers, jeans and comfy t-shirts carrying signs that read “this is what I was wearing when I was raped” make my heart ache.  But after reading all of the discussion, I’m left wondering if there’s a place for me in Slutwalk.
Much has been written about Slutwalk, and the problematic nature of the word “slut.”  Many women of color, in particular, have made it clear that they don’t want to reclaim the word slut because of the way their sexuality has been constructed throughout America’s racist history.  As a woman in a wheelchair, I have a very different problem: the word slut has never been mine to reclaim.

While women all over the world are waiting for people to stop seeing them as sex objects, women with disabilities are still waiting to be seen at all.  We are less than a woman, somehow-- less than “slut”. Too often we are viewed as pitiable, pathetic, and devoid of desire.   We could never be “sluts.”  If we are “lucky enough” to have partners, they get congratulations and pats on the back from strangers when they “take us out” in public.  People applaud their generosity and selflessness for taking care of us, assuming they get nothing in return (certainly not sex or satisfying intimate connections).  People imagine we are loved “in spite of” our disabilities rather than for all the other things we are.  We struggle to find doctors who will monitor our pregnancies and help deliver our babies because it’s “dangerous” for us to be mothers.
   
But that doesn’t mean we’re any safer.  Women with disabilities face extremely high rates of sexual assault.  More than half of us will be raped and studies estimate that the figure is closer to 70 to 80 percent for women with developmental disabilities. We’re also more likely than women without disabilities to face multiple perpetrators.  Sometimes, these perpetrators even tell us we should be grateful, that they have done us a favor.  After all, no one else is going to want us.  Despite these astronomical rape figures we have almost no credibility in the criminal justice system.  No one could imagine why anybody would do that to “someone like us”.  They tell us that we can’t be trusted to tell our own stories of terror.  They speculate about our ability to even understand what has been done to us. 

This is why it’s absolutely crucial for women with disabilities to have a voice in SlutWalk.  While “reclaiming slut” isn’t for me, I think SlutWalk should be about more than that.  It’s about demanding that all women be allowed to embrace their sexuality, voice our outrage when someone violates us, and be heard loud and clear when we do it.    



Thanks, JS, for these powerful words that give me something to think about. 


Have I mentioned how lucky I am to have the people I have in my life?

Fair Warning: This will be a political blog

So the government is approximately 4 and a half hours away from a shut down. That says something about the place we're in. When we've become too stubborn and ideological to see logical compromises. While my heart hurts because of the repercussions this shut down will have for minority and underprivileged populations, I think that this could be the reality check that 'Merica needs.

I think this could be the opportunity to show that, as a matter of fact, we aren't "hot shit," if you know what I mean. We aren't World Saviors, we aren't Better Than Everyone, we aren't Democracy Leaders because, you know what, our current leaders don't know what democracy means. A bold statement, I know, but in some ways it's true. There's this ethnocentric assumption that because we are born in the supposed "Land of the Free" that we automatically operate under democratic assumptions and ideals but that's really not true. These are things that we have to be taught and we have to learn how to execute. And with textbook reforms and muddled lessons in civics because of necessary budget cuts to education - we might never have the opportunity to learn how to do that.

We also assume that because we live in a "democratic society" that we are the world leaders and the teachers of democracy. But let's be honest, how many people in this country are well-versed and have experience in starting a democratic society? None. Because WE didn't start this democratic society. It was started 250ish years ago by people who WEREN'T politicians and who WERE humble. They probably wouldn't have accepted $100,000 (or the equivalent at that time) while their military and the rest of the country couldn't pay rent and buy groceries because their pay has been frozen.

They probably also wouldn't have placed the federal budget into an ideological stalemate. Because you know what the founders of this country were good at? (Hint: it's not Christianity) - They were really good at compromise. And real compromise...not that one party folds. Remember when we had people like the "Great Compromiser" - Henry Clay who fought hard to ensure that everyone got a little bit of what they wanted? Who is that guy now? Oh right. He doesn't exist.

So perhaps we need to understand that we fail stuff, too. Let's lay off the gays for supposedly ruining marriage and the Muslims for practicing religion freely in a country where freedom of/from religion/religious persecution was the founding principle and acknowledge that, oh hey, sometimes the white straight male folks (and some white straight females) ain't so great, huh? Because the white. straight, male/female folks are giving themselves a pay check while preventing those women from protecting themselves, preventing clean air from even having a chance to exist in our beloved country, and preventing free thought from being thunk, and if that's democracy...it sucks. A lot.

I'm grateful for the freedoms I have. I'm grateful that I can say these things without fear of persecution. I'm grateful I'm a woman who has had the opportunity to go to school (heavily relying on Federal loans, yes). But just because I'm grateful for my state of being, that doesn't mean I'm happy and complacent with the state of being for others. Because that's what being a social worker means: acknowledging the privilege that you possess but not being content with that privilege because SOMEONE ELSE didn't have that opportunity. AND THAT'S NOT FAIR. THAT'S NOT JUSTICE. THAT'S NOT FREEDOM. It is my responsibility to create fairness, justice, and freedom  in every way I can...even if that is just words on an infrequently read blog.

I know I just blogged but...

no news is better than the news of the day.

Today has been an awful day for women and those sympathetic to people in general. Feministing does a pretty good job of explaining the articles and expressing the outrage...but yet I still feel the need to put in my two cents...because, well, that's what I do.

Let's start with the child who was gang-raped by so-called "men." Who could possibly think that an 11 year old girl ever deserves this?  Who could think that an 11 year old girl would even know that this would be a possibility? Who could have sympathy for the 18 (EIGHTEEN) men who did this? The New York Times and the citizens of Cleveland, Texas (Oh Texas, how little faith I continue to have in you). The victim-blame that is abound throughout this article is disgusting. It's disgusting EVERY TIME there is victim blame for something as horrendous and unforgivable as rape - however, there's a certain level of pathology that is reached when this blame is targeted at a child who can't even get into a pg-13 movie. There should be mass amounts of shame placed upon those citizens..or better yet, how about some education about what it means for an 11 year old girl to be gang-raped and it's her mother's fault that she was there in the first place. Maybe we should all share a bit of that shame, too. Because after all, we all live in this place called America where, in all honesty, we can expect those statements from individuals. Perhaps if we own that, we can begin to fix it. [perhaps not] We might not like to take that blame, but similar to privilege, if we other the perpetrators in a way that places ALL of the onus on the individual than we do nothing to affect change within the larger culture...

...the larger culture that says it's still okay to kill a person because they seem different/wrong. Granted, this takes place in Arkansas and well, things work a little different there. For instance, hate crimes  apparently don't exist/don't matter there. It would be nice if they didn't exist and that is why there is no need for legislation/protection - but this woman is a perfect example of how, in fact, Arkansas, a place where a town is proudly named after a former KKK member, breeds hate for difference. And then continue to rub it in the face of the trans community by ignoring the proper pronouns through police reporting and then, subsequently, new reporting. (Because in no way does news reporting or journalism include checking the facts on your own - wait...that doesn't seem right..ugh) What is it that makes it so hard to respect PEOPLE? Just people, regardless of their state of being...whether that aligns with how we think it "should" be...should respect be the basis of ALL interactions? But then again..that might be too simple. and what is respect? I mean, I certainly don't have any respect for those folks down there who have committed huge injustices to this woman (and then fixed it..because of advocacy pressures)...

...speaking of injustices to women...Kappa Sigs at USC have illustrated what is perhaps one of the greatest insults to anyone who has a vagina. I don't even have words for this except that it makes me want to punch puppies in the face. Including this puppy:

...and trust me, that's saying a lot..because I LOVE this puppy. So much.

(also, this is a cute puppy so maybe this whole blog won't be such a downer)...

this all comes in the aftermath of what has been the most low-key and fraught over International Women's Day since IWD came into my knowledge (approx. 4 years ago). I don't know if it the current political state of our State (yes) or if it is simply that I'm on a campus that seems apathetic, at best (yes) but it is sort of disturbing. It's times like these that I crave my old stomping ground so I can rant and rage with several people in one setting (WRC/SJED) and walk out not feeling better but rather feeling validated. Instead - I rage with friends via FB and Blahg...and hope that typing it out will release some rage..

we need help, people. this whole place...needs help. i wanna help..who's with me?

"Community"

and no, I'm not talking about the show (though I really love that show...a lot..check it out on NBC Thursdays).

I'm talking about what "community" means. I think it is a term (like many others) that gets thrown around a lot. At school, we call ourselves the Brown Community. We have communities of faith, communities of color, and the one that is sitting on my heart in particular tonight, is the LGBT community.

Community suggests some sort of commonality - commonality in language, heritage, geography, or some other shared experience. However, I wonder what happens when communities form around hardship. What happens when that commonality is simply common marginalization? I mean, obviously we've seen where marginalization leads to revolution leads to (a sort of) unity. But what are the dysfunctions when people outside of the community begin identifying a community (know what I mean?) What happens when a bunch of straight folks identify those who (for whatever reason) aren't accepted in the straight "community" (and doesn't that sound strange to place an agent identity in a community) and label them as another community despite their differences - specifically the radically different situations presented to gay men vs. lesbian women vs. gay women vs. bi-affectional folks vs. bisexual folks vs. transgender folks vs. transsexual folks vs. every other possible label you can attach to an individual. Is it different if those folks identify themselves as a community - ignoring those vast differences themselves? HOW DOES THAT WORK?

And the to further complicate things - what about people who fall into shades of even murkier gray (as if they haven't already been discussed)? But now, I'm thinking about myself personally. This blog was started to discuss some issues that I think about in my head. I've been pretty bad at actually working those things out here because (un)fortunately I have tons of people who are great at mediating some of that work for me or it simply becomes irrelevant.

In some circles I identify as heteroqueer.
"Kaytlin, what the hell does that mean?"
I have no f*cking clue (sometimes). But actually I've been evolving the definition more and more to reflect what it means for me. which is honestly both the beauty and the bane of labels.
Here's what I used to say:
Heteroqueer means that I'm in a long-term relationship that is heterosexual (hence the hetero) however, I don't want to negate that I may/may not find other genders attractive.

that seemed like a pretty good definition for the year I was first trying on that label. but now. it doesn't fit. Because, while I think all of that is true...my relationship (that heterosexual one) is pretty solid. actually, like, rock/diamond solid. So expressing other attractions that I may/may not have seems petty because it's likely that they won't mean much. That being said...identifying as just straight doesn't feel right either. and I still (for some reason) feel like heteroqueer defines me.
Here's why:
I present as sorta genderqueer meaning I have some stereotypically masculine features. I'm not petite, I'm (certainly) not effeminate, I have short "butch-like" hair, and other typical (and admittedly problematic) "features" - if you will - i.e. I can be extremely crass and un-ladylike (whatever that means).
Further, while I am in a long term straight relationship and Ben identifies as straight (though when I presented the idea of heteroqueer as a label, he didn't disagree), not identifying with the queer "commmunity" -- what does that mean -- seems odd. Especially because so many of my best friends and those that have inspired me to do well have identified with that space/label.

So here's the dilemma:
If I, someone who COULD, in fact, place myself in the AGENT "straight community", choose not to and instead identify with the "LGBTQIA/Queer/Non-straight" community - does that cheapen a sense of community. What if people are already doing that? What if people are being placed in that community that don't want to be there? What if people are being placed in a community that don't belong there? What does community mean? What does it mean, as a social worker or as ANYONE, to be a community builder? What are you building? Is is a superficial space in which identifying individuals is simply made easier for outsiders? Will people naturally form their own small niches which could be construed as communities? Is that the same sort of community?

And what about co-opting an identity (which is sometime what I feel like with my own made up identity)? If that is something that I truly do identify with and yet I'm rejected by the culture/community that I feel that best fits in because I am choosing that label...whose fault* is that? Should I have known that I didn't belong there? Is being heteroqueer still too straight? Is there a line?

Basically what I'm saying is that I question (clearly, because of the amount of ? in this blahg) the notion of community. I question whether there are things that outside people (read: social workers) can do to improve quality of a community that is in distress/need - because while clearly we can help individuals and those individuals will go back to their self-designated niches  - truly helping a "community" (other than simply a geographic location) seems unattainable to me. and perhaps futile.

I should state that I am a macro person - so the sense of community building is along the line I want to go down, however, I think these are important questions to ponder. Also, there may be a simple solution to this - or you may say, "duh Kaytlin, of course we help...we do X, Y, & Z and it's great" - and perhaps it is that simple...but I just needed to think about it.

*I'm not stating implicit "fault" - I'm just saying that in terms of who needs to deal with it...which side accepts the burden?

ponderous moments by kaytlin

hugs,
kaytlin

A little break from weddings...

We've taken a little hiatus from wedding planning period. I haven't even looked at wedding stuff in a while - though we did get all of our invitations and thank you notes purchased, thank you very much.

No, this blog is about the wonderful evening I just spent with Jessica Valenti (from the blog Feministing) and Jaclyn Friedman, the co-editors of Yes Means Yes, a kickass anthology of pro-sex, anti-rape work. Now, not only are these women awesome and inspiring but they were really funny and gave me some things to think about.

First of all, I should start out by saying that not much in the presentation/discussion was something I hadn't already heard/seen/read somewhere before. That being said, it was presented excellently. It also makes me wonder, as someone who is an anti-rape activist/advocate (can you tell I'm loving the backslash this evening?) what I have to contribute to the body of work that is out there. Is there something I can contribute or will I simply be a broken record of things that have already been said? I think there are things I can contribute for sure, but what form will that come in? I always joke that I want to infiltrate the school systems with feminist thought and comprehensive sex ed (which they both talk about a lot and made my heart smile), but is that enough. What if I want to reach more people? Will I have something unique to say? Does that even matter? What about the work I'm doing here (work being a slightly dramatic word for blogging)? Does that count? My ideas aren't really new - but they might be to someone, right? Ugh, the questions.

It also is simultaneously frustrating and awe-inspiring to be surrounded by "forward thinkers" - those that challenge the rape culture because I want to have ideas, but damnit, they are already taken. haha..I'm just kidding, kind of...but it does make me wonder where my voice is.

Secondly...and this may answer a lot of my questions that I just posed to myself but then again, I could again be repeating something that is already going on somewhere else...Jaclyn said something tonight that made me think about anti-rape organizations and the work they do and how, in order to really begin the shift of rethinking masculinity as a culture and to begin dismantling something we've had in place for so long, we need a "critical mass" of people to join the cause.

which leads me to my next train of thought - THAT SHOULD BE A ORGANIZATION'S NAME!..it makes perfect sense. I want to start a group (perhaps at Wash U when I go there, instead of trying to do something here in 2 weeks) called Critical Mass. the mission would be to inform and educate as many people as possible to help the culture reach a critical mass of people working again sexual violence. I think it's catchy. and we would have shirts - possibly hoodies (that's why people join groups anyway).

Tonight also made me reflect on some of the work I've been fortunate enough to do surrounding sexual violence, but it also made me reflect on the work I haven't done, or have fallen out of. It's weird to think that I got where I am now, doing the work I do because of sexual violence prevention education. It was my in to all things social justice. Now, I do very little work that directly impacts sexual assault. Which makes me sad, in a way. Sure, I'm doing a lot of social justice things, being an ally and all which helps the overall culture of oppression which feeds into rape culture BUT what am I doing to actively address this specific issue of violence that got me started in the first place? Why have I become disconnected? MORE QUESTIONS..

Anyway, it was a wonderful evening with a wonderful chat full of disturbing images and examples of the culture I live in. Personally, I think things like Purity Balls and Abstinence contracts should be outlawed - Purity Balls reek of pedophilia to me. I am disturbed by our society's simultaneous infatuation and fear of sex. Being that wishy-washy about something can't be healthy. As well as the fact that the information that our society presents in biased by gender.

Which is why I like the idea of a feminist wedding and raising feminist children (of which there were 2 before the presentation tonight, you can follow the dad that brought them there on twitter at rebeldad) - we can start with these things that are taken for granted in society : patriarchal weddings, gendering our children, and make a difference to someone, somewhere.

I often wonder if I will ever make a difference in someone's life like my mentors have done for me. I can only hope...but who says you can't start with your own kids, right?

Anyway, those are my thoughts on the rape culture, feminism, and gendering for now. I need to go read some crossdressing memoirs now...
hugs,
kaytlin

what my life has become...

...is a giant mess. It's a sort of organized mess, though. It's been this way for about a month and a half now.
First of all, let me start out by saying that I didn't get the Fulbright. That being said, I'm not torn up about it. Yeah, it sucks that I don't get to go to Vienna but actually I think I would have done a lot of floundering there. There are a lot of things that I would have missed terribly back here and plus, this just means that I can start school even sooner and get out into the real world even sooner. So that's update number one.

 For the rest of my life, these are probably things that I should have been updating all along but it just makes me rage so I couldn't find the time or energy to do such things:

It all started about a month and a half ago with a single phone call that said this whole ordeal was going to last a week (bahahah!) There was a resolution in the Student Senate that attacked the director of OIIR (the office I work for on campus) calling out her and some other administrators for acting unethical when dealing with the RSO Students for Chief. They were placing this argument in a discourse of first amendment rights and freedom of speech (which was BS). I decided to speak out about it in a couple of student senate meeting. Unfortunately my opinion was the dissenting opinion of the time and was not the most popular (though I am wont to think it was the right opinion) and therefore, because people in power and in the know didn't like what I was saying, they decided to use some silencing tactics on me.

The following week I was subject to the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) which meant that someone wanted to see what I was sending in my emails and texts. Luckily because I'm a student (though also a worker), I was protected by FERPA (which is an acronym for some sort of confidentiality of school stuffs which I don't remember). The fact is, though, that this was an attack on my integrity and ethics as well as, like I previously said, a sly way of silencing me without blatantly abridging my own first amendment rights - the very rights "they" claim to want to be protecting. Whose student rights do they care about - those who agree with them only?

Also, along with all of this, I have personally been attacked as having been working for OIIR and people assuming that I've been sent to these meetings on behalf of administrators. Which is not at all true. It's amazing how I can't have my own opinion, and when I voice an opinion (though it's probably not mine, according to some) I get attacked. Crazy logic.

Then the Student Senate put another resolution on the table called the Unity Resolution that called for a committee to try to find another symbol, mascot, or emblem (choose whichever word suits you) in order to  mend the rift that has plagued our school. Of course, those who want to preserve and bring back the Chief are up in arms about that as well. So of course, I decide that those tactics of silencing are certainly NOT going to work and I write an editorial to the Daily Illini, our school newspaper. There I'm also attacked and told that I don't know what "pain" is. you can check out the DI editorial here.

Anyway...this is the sort of thing I've been dealing with that have negatively made me rage and be angry. On the up-side...I'm Ally of the Month for April which is a pretty big honor for me. Plus, I've got a lot of support from people around me throughout this whole thing. And I got into Wash U's program (I don't even know if I've mentioned that yet) which is SUPER EXCITING.

Well for now that's the update. I'm hoping to go into more detail on some of the FOIA stuff for sort of posterity reasons but also because I think it's good information to have as a resource.
But i'm sleepy now...so I'm signing off.
love,
me