Revelations (or How Crying In Class Makes Me Think)

So I had a breakdown. In a class. Of eight people.

And then I continued to cry throughout the day and even some this morning. All because we were talking about prisons.

I'm not the type to get upset easily about this sort of stuff. I've dealt with a lot of my past through exposure (talking about it) and therapy (expensive talking about it). At school, I generally try to be a chill person because the environment at school is already to high strung for my liking. People get way too...(*&(*^)(*&! about stuff. I'm not saying that passion isn't great..but constructive passion is better than explosive passion (in my opinion).

So anyway...the fact that I got SO frustrated/upset/I don't even know about some comments made about prisons (which, by the way, is not my "thing" precisely because I know it's too close) makes me feel embarrassed. I would have rather I had done anything BUT cry. But that's what I do, I suppose.

So what I consequently thought about after the fact were a few things:
1. I'm angry that I got upset about that and that I get upset about what people think/say but I'm MORE upset over the fact that I have a reason to know that what they are saying is wrong. I'm angry that this is part of my personal history. And I'm sort of angry I don't get to just don't talk about it that much. [maybe]...

2. Perhaps I'm more stressed about Dad coming subconsciously than I think. And maybe that's only a part of it. maybe it's also that I'm angry that I have to be worried about Dad coming to my wedding. Because people think he hasn't changed (which is what [I felt] the chunk of that discussion in class was saying: criminals can't change and prisons are shit [which they are a little bit]) so that could have been the nerve hit.

3. and finally, I have some really fabulous people in my life. I mean, seriously. There are a lot of people who care about me and not everyone can say that. I have a wonderful partner who knows that when I cry, it's not the end of the world. I have a mother who will talk to me for an entire car ride home about the same stuff we've been talking about for the past 15 years. I have glorious friends who know exactly what to say when I need them to say it. and I have teacher and mentors who care about me every step of the way - even when I'm out of their immediate surroundings or when I've just recently entered them. That's pretty awesome, if I do say so.

But even after these thoughts and even thinking about that class now...I get teary eyed. and it just reminds me that I have anger and I have frustration. and it needs to go somewhere. and I SHOULDN'T be embarrassed. and this is part of ME and who I am.  and I should deal with it. somehow.

so here I sit, thinking about this and many other things (international women's day, gender neutral bathrooms, class, spring break, etc.) and i am simultaneously feeling grateful and sad. and that's odd. but I'm sitting with it and handling it. and I'm proud of that.

whoa, another revamp.

I apologize for lack of posts and then changing it up on you every time. Though this time was a total surprise and it makes me pretty happy :). And I also apologize that because I don't blog often (enough), my blogs end up like small novels. feel free to stop reading at any point that you become bored.

((still here? COOL!))

What have I been up to lately, you ask? (Probably not, but I'm going to tell you anyway).

Well, I've been...
--getting 40-hour training for Illinois Rape Crisis Services. It's a pretty intense process and it leads me back to where I started this whole journey of social justice work and activism. It's sort of baffling to me how I've changed so much over the past 3 years and yet I find myself coming full circle to rape education, prevention, and survivor support. And the fact that I can find myself still so positive about all of that is extraordinary to me (particularly given my attention span). It also lets me think a lot about the ways in which my work is so greatly shaped by the fact that I started out in rape education. You see, for me, rape education and prevention is a tangible thing. It's not as abstract or theoretical as oppression theory or even the "simple" isms (i.e. racism, sexism, classism, ageism, etc.). It's something that happens and something should and needs to be done about it. That is not to say that the isms shouldn't be eradicated either, but I'm just saying that rape seems to be something sort of, kind of manageable (but yet, so overwhelmingly not. ugh). This tangibility and the fact that every rape is someone's individual story (whereas sometimes instances of an ism could be seen as something less individual, more institutional, etc.) leads me to approach all of these things with a sort of empathy as though I'm dealing solely with individuals. This may or may not be a problem. I don't know yet. it probably is a problem, or at least will be in the long run because the way I think about it requires me to assign a problem to someone/something I care about. Selfish, much? Anyway, re-approaching* the issue of rape from this stance has been sort of eye-opening and overall good (I think) for me to re-evaluate the ways in which I should approach the other issues I care about.

--Reading blogs...like it's my job (which in some ways, it sort of is). I REALLY enjoy blogs. I enjoy blogging. I enjoy everything about blogs, from the little tidbits of information you can glean unwittingly to the tone of blogs (which very much mimics my style of living - pretty casual and conversational). But sometimes those tidbits of information on blogs make me RAGE. Especially some of the articles on sites like Feministing.com and other feminist sites which highlight both wins in the realm of feminism but also EPIC FAILS in the fight to maintain a Just society. For instance, first thing this morning, Facebook notified me about this article on female genital mutilation that is occurring not only in the US, but IN THE NAME OF RESEARCH!? WHAT........THE..............FUCK! (and I say that with utmost respect to my readers). Seriously?! This article went viral through my newsfeed where every one of my Vagina Monologues Ladies picked up on it in outrage (clearly). It's this sort of shit that we think happens elsewhere and we spend time speaking out against when our own (probably overpaid) scholars our instigated and perpetuating it here....FUUUUUUUUUUUhhh. If this isn't enough to incite riots in the street (which it should) - Feministing also linked to Louisiana's new legislation require ultrasounds before abortions. Yes, please make this ultimately life-changing and excruciating decision (which in all likelihood was not a split second decision) that much more difficult for someone to bear. please. BUT not to bring you all down with such crap nonsense, there are also highlights, like a particularly intelligent woman who is graduating high school while doing an experiment that includes Seventeen Magazine. If you haven't read her blog about this, do it. You'll probably learn something (and fight adultism at the same time. Two-for-one - WIN!).

--Planning our move. We're moving in mid-July to a new (unfurnished) place. Which then requires us to make large purchases like a sofa, washer and dryer, desks, etc. On top of all of that, we are moving from 2 different locations, really. Here in Champbana and also our parents' houses. This complicates a lot of things, too. Not unmanageably, but just enough that it is kinda sorta stressful and requires a decent amount of foresight.

--more WEDDING stuff. I know, the phases of my wedding "planning" are so sporatic, it's ridiculous. BUT I have been doing some research on photogs (though I would love for Ms. Crystal Wasson to do our wedding as her first). I've also been scoping out some dress designs that I may or may not wanna wear. And also just trying to think about how we want the day to feel (which includes incessantly scoping out reception sites...annoying). This also includes reading A Practical Wedding (the blog that I've been doting on) habitually.  Two years seems like such a long time (especially when I consider that the grad program that I haven't even started yet is a whole 2 years long).

--Working. At the job that I absolutely love and will miss dearly. Not because of the work so much - though I must say that getting to work within the realm of social justice, even if it is just scheduling rooms to have meetings about social justice is extremely rewarding work (for me...not for everyone) - but rather because of the people I get to work with daily. Seriously. My boss sent me a Dinosaur Comic which then led to me spending hours looking at more Dinosaur Comics. And that's just the sort of relationship we have. Which I love. It's going to suck when I have to have a legit business professional relationship with a boss (read: non-friendship) - I don't even know if I am capable of such things. Hurumph.

--Growing up. This is the worst part about what I've been doing which sort of encompasses all of the last points (duh) but also includes things like meeting up with friends from college for the last (or close to last) time before we all go our separate ways and figuring out budgets and savings. Planning for the next couple of years and realizing that, holy shit, I won't be living at Mom's house for a month over winter break and I may not be spending the night there on Christmas Eve. What?! I'm going to be inviting my parents and Ben's parents over to our place for dinners. Like adults do. We're going to have an office in this new place. *shudder*..*squeal*..I'm scared but super excited. What does that even mean? Is this a condition I should get checked out?

Anyway- I've decided that these novellas are ridiculously long, if not unfocused. I'm going to attempt (and I say this loosely) to make a list of blog topics. And perhaps institute a weekly or bi-weekly schedule. We'll see how this works out. be patient. I'm bad at habit forming and routine.

*Not that I ever left or stopped caring about the issue of rape, I just distanced myself for a bit. It's hard to do all of that work at once.

that's it. Whew! Did you make it! Did you skip some? (Be honest, it doesn't sting too bad).
Always and forever,
kaytlin

New musings...

So I'm back at it, little by little. I try to do it in small doses because it's really easy to get sucked up and sucked in. I've stumbled upon (not literally, though that is a possibility) a nifty little website that is extremely helpful when thinking about some of the more quirky, fun, non-traditional, yet practical ways to have a wonderful wedding. I've been thinking more and more about the different aspects of the wedding and I'm able to picture it a little bit better now, though not completely. There are a few things that Ben and I have been discussing:
a: iPod DJ. This means we aren't hiring a DJ...and it also means that we'll hear all of the music we want to hear and none of the music we don't (i.e. Stevie Nicks*/Country) - idea taken from the aforementioned website (as are quite a few of my musings.)
b. a different wedding reception site that is not your typical Southern Illinois fare - which means, perhaps, maybe, possibly getting out of a VFW/KFC/Auxiliary hall and into someplace that is more suited to Ben and me. The only A few of the problems are:
- limited radius of travel : we have quite a few older folks who may be attending this wedding. I'm not trying to make a whole group of people scurry into St. Louis.
- money: things cost money. period. nicer things cost more money.
- number of people: IDEALLY the wedding reception would be someplace artsy and somewhat intimate..but when you have quite a few attending, intimate quickly becomes stifling.
UGH. I just want someplace cool, hipster (*gasp, yes I said it*), trendy, quirky, fun, interesting,...you get the idea. I want a place that reflects who Ben and I are as a couple. (which is really what I want the whole wedding to be, hence the egalitarian nature/feminist leanings).
c. unique ideas for guestbook things: SO on this website I mentioned, there was this post about a photographer - actually there are lots of posts about lots of photographers** but this isn't about the photographer. This is about something that was the subject of a photo. The intercultural wedding that the photographer was taking pictures have utilized a watercolor painting of a tree (similar to something one might see in Chinese culture) and had their guests leave finger/thumb prints as the leaves of the tree. I don't think they had people signing by their finger/thumbprints but I think that would also be an interesting addition. I like this idea because I like the idea of having something that we could hang up and have around all the time as opposed to only a guest book (which I still like as well, for those priceless pieces of information that they are filled with) which would only be brought out once or twice and maybe later for posterity reasons. This painting idea is also pretty reflective of how I think about the people who will be invited to the wedding - they are all people who have left or are continuing to leave thumbprint on my mind and heart. (Isn't that just cheese-tastic!)
d. A LITTLE BIT of dresses. NOT MUCH. I'm not quite ready for that step yet, but we have been talking about it. We're planning a July wedding (thus far) and it probably gonna be HOT. Granted, we'll be inside. Still, I don't wanna sweat at all in that dress. for personal reasons. like I don't like sweat dripping into places it shouldn't. That's just nasty. So I'm weighing my options. and thinking about how I perhaps want to take a little bit of the tradition out of that, as well.
e. Good news: I've found a couple of options for photogs maybe. hopefully. Ones that may work within our budget and do the kind of work I want. HUZZAH!
It's interesting to me how when I have a bit of free time (i.e. Summer break) my mind drifts to this wedding stuff even though we still have TWO YEARS and there are things that are much more pressing at hand - for instance, us moving in two MONTHS. I have a whole new planning space that I should be planning out and I should be playing interior designer now. And I am, a little. But it always drifts back to the wedding. which in some ways is disappointing. I'm antsy and a little sad that it is so far away, though I know that I would be ten times worse with my mind preoccupation if it were any closer. Part of me want to just go to the courthouse but I know that I would miss that family/friends presence. I think that's the part that excites me more than anything (besides the photographer capturing the day) is knowing that this is something I get to share with the people I love the most. I'm so sentimental, sometimes.
Oh well. It'll all come together. It has thus far. And things keep changing. Who knows, maybe one day there will be a blog that says SURPRISE, WE'RE MARRIED - but don't count on it. I've got checks and balances to my madness, I promise.

* Stevie Nicks (aside from Fleetwood Mac) has a voice that grates my eardrums and has the potential to make them bleed. She sounds like a lamb (to quote Kara from AI...**deepsigh**) and it bugs the hell out of me. There will be no Stevie Nicks so for those of you who thought you were going to hear "Landslide"..sorry, find another wedding.
**Have I mentioned how much I love wedding photography. Perhaps once or twice.

That's it for now, everyone. Happy musings.
Hugs,
Kaytlin

Conversing

I've been lucky enough to have a lot of support and interest from people in my life about this whole wedding thing. Yesterday I had the great pleasure of discussing feminist weddings with a friend of mine from my senior seminar. She, too, is a betrothed feminist (I would say engaged feminist, but that can have other meanings, too). It was really interesting talking to her because we both have very different approaches to our weddings but overall, our ideas of marriage are similar.

We were discussing some of the questions people have asked us (and she has had a lot more questions than I have). It's amazing what people come up with. It's astonishing how many people are happy that we're getting married, but when we question the traditions of marriage - people question why we're getting married. It's sort of ironic. Something is strange about people happy for you to do something but only in a certain way. Why can't we do this how we want to, DAMNIT!

Anyway. we on a little hiatus of wedding planning seeing as we're in the closing weeks of the semester. It's a little hectic right now between activism and finals and papers and madness. I'm really looking forward to the end. Although, I'm feeling bits and pieces of that detachment from the people here. *deep sigh*

Alas, we are still working on our place to stay - i.e. signing the lease, figuring the logistics of moving in, etc. Also slightly stressful.

I'm going to stop complaining now. It's been a really awesome day - and I have to keep reminding myself to take these things one day at a time. As much as I'm looking forward to the end, I gotta remember to appreciate them. Cheesy, right? .....yeah. eh.

that's it for now. stay tuned.

Am I doing this right?

So we're still trucking along...it was sorta strange being back at school because people are still congratulating us (which is nice, no doubt) but it's been like a week and a half now...and I'm not used to all that. Plus, I have to get my head back in the game - the game of school that is.

That is also difficult when I've been inundated with potentially buying a house *gasp* and also receiving my financial aid package from Wash U...which is very exciting but also kind of overwhelming. I don't know what these things mean for my future. It's all very confusing with a lot of steps that I haven't thought about before - obviously because we've never done this before.

Also, I got a little frustrated perturbed upset when I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do for pictures for this whole shebang (where did that word come from?). I wanted cousin Marv to do them but as it turns out he doesn't do weddings anymore...and I don't think know we can't afford his cohorts' prices so now we have to turn to someone else. Let me just say, as I've mentioned previously, pictures may be one of the only things that I will insist must be done right. Everything else (at this point) can be or do whatever..the photographs are important to me...is that a Bride-zilla moment? How un-feminist is that?

This whole feminist wedding thing has been uber-conscious lately, too. Especially given that I'm in a lot (read: all) gender studies classes. It's kind of weird in some classes to go in there and talk about gender justice or the queer community, or radicalism and then be engaged.  I mean, I like being engaged...love being engaged. I love Ben...however...in some ways I feel like a poser or something. I don't know - it's hard to negotiate and it's also hard to explain what I'm doing to alleviate the marriage traditions and oppression. Mostly because the things we're doing seem so small in comparison to the world of hurt that is out there. I mean, I know that no one expects us to uproot the whole institution...but I feel like I'm constantly on the search to be doing more. And when there are things that I do want to do (i.e. have a bouquet) and I don't really know the symbolism behind those things (though I think bouquets have something to do with minimal showering in the middle ages or something) - I don't know what I'm perpetuating. I don't want to be frowned upon and I just want to be able to revel in happiness...but it's a lot of pressure. I want to be really excited but I'm also not really like that. I'm not a giddy person. I don't generally like giddy people. I don't know how to react. Blargh: That's how I'm going react to everything.

To leave this note on a happy one: I asked Anna yesterday. And while she can't really talk because she's lost her voice..I'm pretty sure she was excited. That's my side of the wedding party down. Ben, I'm pretty sure, is 0 for 2...though I'm sure his side knows who they are. I guess we still have 2 years but hey - you can't ever have enough time (or can you?)

Day 5

I promise that this will eventually wear off. BUT...

Tonight I asked Courtney to be in my wedding. That's one attendant on my side...one more to go.

I'm also discovering that explaining a feminist wedding is like explaining that I do work that deals with sexual violence to someone. You get lots of whys and how comes or silences. Which is not to say that it is disapproving, but it's not the most comforting  and it's interesting . Mostly because we are doing it because it's something that we want for us...not necessarily to make a huge political statement, but kinda. I don't know. Ben and I aren't really all that political but when it comes to the type of work that we do, we can't be apolitical.

A lot of the stuff we're doing isn't necessarily feminist as much as anti-wedding establishment. For instance, attempting not to buy into the industry too much. That is to say that I won't be dropping a ton of money on my wedding dress. We're going to cap it at 200 bucks, I think. And I'm hoping not to even approach that. We're also looking at ways to do a bunch of stuff at home. Ben wants to grow our flowers so as not to support the cut flower industry (which is awful for the environment)...I don't know how feasible that is. But hey, we can make the effort, right? We decided on our party favors, too. That will save us some good money there.

Also, we've thought of this predicament of having vegetarian friends in what may be one of the most vegetarian-hostile places around. None of the caterers that I've looked at thus far have any sort of vegetarian entree. Ugh. We'll have to get that all figured out, too. It's hard being a earth/people conscious person.

It's all going to work out. We're lucky that we have such creative people working with us. I wanna have some fun, artsy, trendy things come out of this fiasco.

On a brighter note, we get to go look at a house tomorrow. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this place works for us. It would be fabulous to know where we're going to be in a few months.

Anyway..that's it for now. Those are the only revelations that I've had the past couple of days - we'll see how the rest of it goes.

3 days in

So we're 3 days into this engagement thing and we've got some stuff planned out. We currently have 28 months - MONTHS - til W-Day. that's a considerable chunk of time. Hopefully we'll be able to save up some moolah in that time so that we can at least do some of the stuff that we want, i.e. not get hitched at the courthouse.

We're planning the wedding tentatively for July 28, 2012. No particular significance other than the fact that Ben will hopefully have some time off of school and *fingers crossed* I'll be in a school getting my summers off. This is what we're hoping for anyway. I've been on hyper mode since Sunday - which I think is fair enough. I mean, this is exciting stuff and I've never been one to dream weddings, therefore I do not have this sort of stuff planned out already nor do I have any idea what this should look like. Also, I wouldn't want to have done that because this isn't just about me or what I want - it's really about the two of us. Really the only reason this feminist couple is getting "married" in this ceremony setting is so that our families can be there and we can have a big party afterward. I mean, who doesn't like to party? (also, I really want the photographs..I love engagement and wedding pictures).

Ben's been really great about the whole thing. I don't know that he was really expecting this sort of frenzy but we've been communicating a whole lot about what we want this to look like, what we agree with, what we want changed from the traditions, etc. Unfortunately, because most of the planning will probably happen while he's busy being all dentist-y...there may not be a whole lot of time for this scrutinizing later.

We're also looking at a house soon in Alton, pretty much right next to the Dental School. It's exciting to be moving again...but also overwhelming. It's weird to think that we won't be living on a campus soon. I'll be commuting to school. We'll be living in a legit house somewhere. Weird.

Well, that's it for now. Today was Ben's birthday so all the festivities and celebrations of this week are adding up and I'm getting much tired much earlier. Plus, we walked around the St. Louis Zoo all day today with little kids. That can take it out of even the most energetic.
hugs,
Kaytlin

The mess has turned..

Into something extraordinary.

Last night - on our 5 year anniversary - the love of my life proposed to me. I'm now engaged, which is weird to say. But it's also wonderful. and strange. It's like this weird feeling of absolutely loving it and not quite knowing what to do with it.

Here's what I mean:
I do social justice work. I see inequity in a lot of places in life with the people I work with daily. Some of my closest friends may not get to marry if that's what they want to do because of who their chosen partner is. I can get married because of circumstances like my partner just so happens to be of the appropriate gender for my gender..whatever that means.
I don't like where the idea of "weddings" comes from. It's a "woman as property" mentality. The father gives away the bride. The groom puts a ring of possession on the bride's finger. She's veils her face for modesty. It all screams patriarchy and subservience to me. Not what I want to perpetuate.
That being said:
I have the ability to get married, to have the benefits of marriage (of which there are many). No movement needs martyrs. By my not getting married, it doesn't mean that some non-normative couple somewhere can get married. I'm not taking marriage away from any one - but does it mean that I'm supporting an institution that discriminates? Does it matter?
The ring is beautiful. I'm not going to lie, I really like it. Ben didn't ask my dad. I might have my dad and brother walk me down the aisle. Not to give me away but so I don't fall. Okay, maybe not, but seriously...only because it's an honor that most fathers want..and I feel that my brother deserves. What honor is that? I'm not sure. At this point, the giving away has lost its literal meaning but I suppose there are still connotations of that. Ben and I also have a relationship that defies patriarchy in a lot of way. We are equal partners in our relationship. We share housework. He may one day make more than me, but because he will "deserve" to - because he will be a dentist. I make more than he does now.
It's tricky, this engagement thing. Especially because we will have a long engagement. Plenty of time to think about these issues with the institution that I have. But I'm excited. I'm happy to call him my fiance. It fits us well.
I'll deal with these issues, I'm sure. It's only been a day. Wish me luck
love and kisses,
Kayt