Oh Hey There 2012...

It's a new year and as much as I loved this...

I was really ready for the year to be over.

The last few months were a bear and really challenged me both intellectually and emotionally. I like a challenge just as much as the next person but I was pretty close to a limit.

Christmas was rough because sometimes family is just unrelenting but overall this break has been wonderful.

Plus I got a really great sweatshirt which I've been pretty much living in:

Ben was off for awhile - he's back at school now which is sad but it was great while it lasted...

Josh is home - well, not right now...but in general...

Court is having babies - yes. 2. two. TWO. wow.

2011 was when Ben and I got married. I'm in my dream practicum right now, doing what I love doing, working with people that I love, I've found my perfect group of friends 

(many of whom will be leaving me in 2012...lesigh)

and

I'm prepared to move forward and become a real adult in the next few months 

(scary)

I don't believe in resolutions because I don't want to limit myself to bettering myself once a year.

 I believe in goals. 

and my goals are:

*Finish my sketchbook (which I have to send in SOON. eep.)

*Be healthier

*Work harder in school. I mean, really.

*Be a better partner

*Be a better friend

*Be a better daughter

*Be a good pen pal (that means you, Audrey)

*Do some stuff in the 'Lou that I haven't yet (Arch, I'm comin' atcha)

*Find a job

*Blog more

*Be introspective (and write about it)

*read more books that aren't assigned for class

*read more stuff that is assigned for class

...and you know, morestufflikethat

happy new year, everyone. be well. be happy. be nice.

Reality Check

So while watching a television program about the incarceration rates of black males and the cycles of incarceration and I had a reality check about my own privilege and wow, does that make you think.

This program discussed how 1 in 12 black men are incarcerated and with the family cycles that perpetuate the rates of incarceration (not to mention the rampant racism that is inherent in the prison industrial complex) that statistic is slated to reach a preposterous 1 in 3 black men with the next generations. There were interviews with a man who was being released from prison and his partner, as well as a man who had recently been released and was seeking employment and his step-father, along with the rest of his family. What struck me was how the partner of the man who was in prison stated that every man in her life had been or currently was incarcerated. Because of this, she was concerned about her own children's trajectories and was adamant about the cycle stopping with her children.

This led me to think about my own family structure. Every older male on my father's side, save for one uncle and my brother, has spent a night in prison at least, though many have served much longer prison sentences, including my father. Granted, I did not spend much time with my father's side of the family but I DID spend a lot of time with my father prior to his own incarceration. Watching that program, I couldn't help but wonder, what if I hadn't been white? What if my father and his family weren't white? It is nearly certain that I wouldn't be on the same path and in the same place I am currently.

Granted, I did not grow up in a neighborhood where violence and drug-use were the norm. My mother was a strong figure who very much influenced my path. My grandparents had a strong influence and my siblings, though not the brightest in the bunch all the time, were fairly law abiding. While my mother was a single mom raising two kids and I often subsided on Ramen noodles, I never felt impoverished, nor did I ever go to sleep hungry that I can recall. Clearly these are all factors that influence rates of imprisonment but yet, it still begs the question, why do these issues disproportionately affect African Americans? (Hint: the answer isn't that they simply commit more crimes.) On NPR, there was a statistic that stated that while 5x more white folks are abusing drugs, 13x more black men are serving time. That's serious.

So again, my whiteness. and how today, I'm feeling particularly thankful for how the cards have fallen. I have an awareness about a lot of things, like exactly how many prison doors one must go through to see their father, or what eating three meals out of a vending machine is like because that's the only food available in a prison visiting room. I also sometimes remember that this is my reality, even though it is in my past. It is my reality and not very many other people in my immediate world share that reality. Which is isolating. And frustrating. But I'm also grateful because I know that there are parts of the world, parts of my world, where my reality is the norm and that's sad. And it's all because of that cycle that I was never meant to be a part of...because I'm white. And I'm owning that tonight and being grateful for my blessings.

For the one that I love

Today marks the 6th year that I've been with the love of my life and the 1st year of our engagement.

Sometimes I think back at all we've been through and its been a lifetime of things...already.

Together, we've survived:

1. The tragic and sudden deaths of not one, but 2 classmates in high school.
2. Graduating high school and embarking on an exciting new journey together to college.
3. A devastating 1st semester of college, complete with clinical depression and medication.
4. Becoming an aunt and uncle 3 times over.
5. The death of his wonderful grandmother followed by...
6. The death of his wonderful father. (RIP Chuck)
7. Establishing our first "home" on our college campus.
8. Establishing our family away family at U of I.
9. The end of therapy and medication
10. Political Activism complete with being FOIA'd
11. A road trip that spanned 22 days and only 5 showers
12. Getting accepted into our first choice graduate and professional schools.
13. Graduating from college.
14. Moving 160 miles back home to our next home together.
15. A 600+ beer bottle collection
16. Getting engaged.
17. Family madness because we're engaged (and they realize what that means come wedding day)
18. Planning a wedding
19. Cold feet (in the literal sense, not the figurative one)
20. Dental School and Social Work school

And actually, this doesn't even begin to cover it. Sometimes I try to think of my life without Ben and well, it's really hard. It's not impossible...because it shouldn't be impossible, but it also really sucks when I think about it. He's my rock, he's my comfort, he's my laughter, and he's my home.

I love you, Benjamin Ian, with all my heart.

Revelations (or How Crying In Class Makes Me Think)

So I had a breakdown. In a class. Of eight people.

And then I continued to cry throughout the day and even some this morning. All because we were talking about prisons.

I'm not the type to get upset easily about this sort of stuff. I've dealt with a lot of my past through exposure (talking about it) and therapy (expensive talking about it). At school, I generally try to be a chill person because the environment at school is already to high strung for my liking. People get way too...(*&(*^)(*&! about stuff. I'm not saying that passion isn't great..but constructive passion is better than explosive passion (in my opinion).

So anyway...the fact that I got SO frustrated/upset/I don't even know about some comments made about prisons (which, by the way, is not my "thing" precisely because I know it's too close) makes me feel embarrassed. I would have rather I had done anything BUT cry. But that's what I do, I suppose.

So what I consequently thought about after the fact were a few things:
1. I'm angry that I got upset about that and that I get upset about what people think/say but I'm MORE upset over the fact that I have a reason to know that what they are saying is wrong. I'm angry that this is part of my personal history. And I'm sort of angry I don't get to just don't talk about it that much. [maybe]...

2. Perhaps I'm more stressed about Dad coming subconsciously than I think. And maybe that's only a part of it. maybe it's also that I'm angry that I have to be worried about Dad coming to my wedding. Because people think he hasn't changed (which is what [I felt] the chunk of that discussion in class was saying: criminals can't change and prisons are shit [which they are a little bit]) so that could have been the nerve hit.

3. and finally, I have some really fabulous people in my life. I mean, seriously. There are a lot of people who care about me and not everyone can say that. I have a wonderful partner who knows that when I cry, it's not the end of the world. I have a mother who will talk to me for an entire car ride home about the same stuff we've been talking about for the past 15 years. I have glorious friends who know exactly what to say when I need them to say it. and I have teacher and mentors who care about me every step of the way - even when I'm out of their immediate surroundings or when I've just recently entered them. That's pretty awesome, if I do say so.

But even after these thoughts and even thinking about that class now...I get teary eyed. and it just reminds me that I have anger and I have frustration. and it needs to go somewhere. and I SHOULDN'T be embarrassed. and this is part of ME and who I am.  and I should deal with it. somehow.

so here I sit, thinking about this and many other things (international women's day, gender neutral bathrooms, class, spring break, etc.) and i am simultaneously feeling grateful and sad. and that's odd. but I'm sitting with it and handling it. and I'm proud of that.

Life Changing events

Well, we're graduated (mostly)! It was a pretty intense weekend full of caps, gowns, tassels, pictures, and traditions. I was reminded why I don't want a traditional wedding - it's BORING. haha, but it was fun, and I got to see my papa and one of my brothers. My mama and the grandparentals came up Saturday which was wonderful. I really love my family (when they are separate...the wedding is going to be a whole other story).

So I say we graduated mostly because Ben is still taking another class. He's finishing up his business minor this summer and then he'll be completely done. Luckily he'll have a few weeks of break before we have to pack up and head south to our new abode.

Turns out, I graduated with High Distinction from GWS which is pretty exciting. It hasn't really hit me yet that I'm done with undergrad. I imagine it won't happen til I move, but I figured I could do some thanks and such now...because it is official and all.

So first off, thanks to my mama. She's been my rock these past four years, from her driving 2.5 hours on a random Saturday morning to get coffee with me because I missed her so much to helping us move and everything in between. I've talked to her nearly everyday of this journey and she always knew what to say (and sometimes what not to say). Even though neither one of was really sure what we were getting into, we both made it and sometimes (only sometimes) I think she deserves the diploma just as much as I do (then I remember all the papers I wrote...and I think otherwise..;)...haha)

Then comes Ben: Ben has definitely been here for me all along. Sometimes it seems amazing and surreal that we've made it this far together. When a lot of people aren't even starting their lives together until now, it seems like we've lived a lifetime. seriously...and we aren't even married yet (as if you didn't know). I don't know that I can even begin to thank him enough for all he's done for me.

Then to my campus family:
Anna, my love: I would be long gone if it weren't for her. legit. While we've only been besties for about 2 years..it almost seems like 20. There's never a moment I won't/can't/don't share with her. Her family has taken me with the greatest hospitality. Our family dinners are reminiscent of my family dinners back home and our few heart-to-hearts were also much needed and always helpful. Luckily, this lady is one of my bridesmaids so I'll have plenty of excuses to see her after we graduate. (which is good because if I didn't, I would just have to make up excuses).

Courtney, babe! Even though she's not on campus, we've been there for each other the whole time...seriously through some of the toughest stuff people can go through. And we made it. Plus, now SHE'S engaged, too. Whoa..it's like we're growing up and becoming adults or something (which, by the way, I'm morally opposed to and refuse to do. It's in complete contradiction of my life goals, which include being a kid forever). I'm looking forward to moving back home so we can get back into the swing of things and start a crazy adventure of whatever comes next.

Joshua, he's the guy that I didn't have to talk to but once or twice a semester, but when we did see each other, it was the most fun, relaxing, crazy, awesome, lovely, at-home feeling ever. He was always the release I needed. As he once said "Our friendship is like riding a bike, we never miss a beat." - or something that was equally touching, if not confusing. he's like the brother that...well, I had..but didn't have. He's like another brother. yeah. that's it.

Jim...always keeping me on my toes. All the time.Which is good. and hilarious. I love him. I have always loved him. Since 4th grade when we became best friends..and have remained ever since (which is an intensely long relationship, btw.) I've said all I've needed to say to him over the years..and it's all true. and still holds true. And he knows it.


The rest of my extended family (new and old) - BSue, Katie, RaRa, Michelle, Megan, Bethany, JennScott (oneword), and all those you other wonderful WONDERFUL people - just a general thank you for writing on my facebook wall and giving me something to smile about. For having a personality that keeps me happy. For allowing me surround myself with positivity. And for keeping me on my game.

finally, my mentors:
Ross... I joke that he has single handedly changed my 4 year plan. And actually, it's not a joke. It's true. hardcore style. From the moment I met him, I knew that I was about to embark on something excited (which is what FYCARE was). And then he proceeded to believe in me enough to open up a plethora of opportunities from leading a crusade to get a women's center to getting FOIA'ed, from being nominated and selected for the excellence in leadership award to working on my ally skills and becoming a voice of social justice. I actually don't know what I would be doing with my life if I hadn't met him. I would probably be doing something that I hate doing in psychology, being anti-social, and perhaps not even on this campus. I think I can also speak for Ben when I say he has been a huge mentor in Ben's life as well. Our relationship is healthier because of some of the ideas that Ross introduced and we are both better people for it. I definitely would not be the force to be reckoned with that I am now. and you can stick that in your email and FOIA it!

Teryl ...I'm sorta sad that we just got to start working together the last semester of college, but she's definitely been my mama here on campus. I know that I can go be safe in her office. I can bitch about my day...and it's likely that she's having a similar issue. She takes care of me and makes sure that everything is going well...something I need every now and again.

Professor Gill...I only had her 2 semesters but she was perhaps the most interesting, fun-loving, and encouraging professor I've ever had. She did for me in my last 2 years what professor Pintar did for me my freshman year: she inspired me to be critical.

Clearly this is not everyone who has had an awesome impact on my life..but right now (literally in this moment) I'm feeling particularly grateful to these people. More than half of these people don't actually read my blog and for those of you reading for the purposes of figuring out what a feminist wedding looks like, I'm sorry that I've been on hiatus from wedding plan (though I have started looking at wedding dresses and figuring out what I want to do with that - traditional white, non-traditional, ball gown, wedding gowns, fun summer dress..the option are endless). For those of you who DO read this blog and if you know ANY of the people I've mentioned, you should consider yourself fortunate. Extremely fortunate. Like you should tell them how grateful you are to know them because these are awesome people.

If you are one of the people who I mentioned and read this blog, thanks again, from the bottom of my heart. You clearly make my world and I owe at least part of my success to you.

For now, until more wedding news (which may be some dress ideas as well as some ideas for receptions and things), good night and count your blessing..i've counted a few of mine.
hugs,
kaytlin

Conversing

I've been lucky enough to have a lot of support and interest from people in my life about this whole wedding thing. Yesterday I had the great pleasure of discussing feminist weddings with a friend of mine from my senior seminar. She, too, is a betrothed feminist (I would say engaged feminist, but that can have other meanings, too). It was really interesting talking to her because we both have very different approaches to our weddings but overall, our ideas of marriage are similar.

We were discussing some of the questions people have asked us (and she has had a lot more questions than I have). It's amazing what people come up with. It's astonishing how many people are happy that we're getting married, but when we question the traditions of marriage - people question why we're getting married. It's sort of ironic. Something is strange about people happy for you to do something but only in a certain way. Why can't we do this how we want to, DAMNIT!

Anyway. we on a little hiatus of wedding planning seeing as we're in the closing weeks of the semester. It's a little hectic right now between activism and finals and papers and madness. I'm really looking forward to the end. Although, I'm feeling bits and pieces of that detachment from the people here. *deep sigh*

Alas, we are still working on our place to stay - i.e. signing the lease, figuring the logistics of moving in, etc. Also slightly stressful.

I'm going to stop complaining now. It's been a really awesome day - and I have to keep reminding myself to take these things one day at a time. As much as I'm looking forward to the end, I gotta remember to appreciate them. Cheesy, right? .....yeah. eh.

that's it for now. stay tuned.

Great news!

I found out last night that cousin Marv can do our engagement photos! Huzzah! That's what I really care about a lot (not that I don't care about the wedding pictures...) so that's VERY exciting. It really made my night last night when I found that out.

It's also Good Friday, so we're going home this evening and tomorrow is going to be an insane day...hopefully. I'm going to be dyeing Easter eggs, having a potential walk-through of the house again, and making it to SIUE to make some copies for a friend. Not to mention all of the preparing that we'll probably have to do for Sunday. None of this is wedding stuff, though I'm sure at some point - it will creep in there. It tends to do that.

I'm also Ally of the month this month. Which is pretty exciting and it's an honor I'm really proud of. It's also Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Ben's super involved being the president of Men Against Sexual Violence. I'm pretty lucky to have found a guy who's a feminist and will openly call himself a feminist and will speak at rallies and such. Which is also what makes this feminist wedding thing infinitely better. I know that I'm not just doing this stuff and he couldn't care less either way...he wants it to happen, too.

Well, anyway - just wanted to give that brief update on the state of pictures. If anyone has suggestions for photographers (that aren't pricey) or knows how to use a good camera and has a bit of artistic inclination...let me know.

hugs,
Kaytlin