Master...

Welp. I've completed my master's program. In two weeks, I'll walk across a stage, again, receive a diploma {cover}, get hooded, shake hands, and probably cry. I'll put three letters at the end of my signature (all the time) and I'll feel successful. Well, almost. I've got a little birdie in my ear that keeps saying "Kayt, what you really want is a PhD." And I just keep flicking it away...because I need a break. I'm pretty mentally and emotionally exhausted. Especially after the past few months. So I'm looking forward to May 18th.



But I'm not looking forward to the inevitable good-byes which seem to be starting all too soon. I don't deal well  with separation. At all. Partly because I think that I love a bit too fiercely for my own good. And partly because, well, my life has been filled with all sorts of untimely separations. And my feelings get hurt a bit too easily, probably. Which is why I keep saying that I'm just going to collect all of my people and keep them with me. All of the time.

It probably doesn't help that there is just the large UNKNOWN looming in front of me. The type of unknown that begs the question: was it worth it? and did you make the right decision two years ago? I feel REALLY GOOD about where I am right now. But sometimes I don't feel so good. Like when I think about how maybe I should've gotten a masters in higher education. or something like that. But I am where I need to be. I trust in that.

So for now, I'm going to read some books that I borrowed from the library/books I've been waiting to read for awhile.* And I'm going to be okay with where I am. Because one day, things that need to happen, will happen. and I'll be okay then...

*Books are:
The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
Jazz - Toni Morrison
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - Jonathan Safran Foer
Atypical: Life with Asperger's in 20 1/3 Chapters - Jesse Saperstein
The Whipping Girl: Julia Serano

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Revelations (or How Crying In Class Makes Me Think)

So I had a breakdown. In a class. Of eight people.

And then I continued to cry throughout the day and even some this morning. All because we were talking about prisons.

I'm not the type to get upset easily about this sort of stuff. I've dealt with a lot of my past through exposure (talking about it) and therapy (expensive talking about it). At school, I generally try to be a chill person because the environment at school is already to high strung for my liking. People get way too...(*&(*^)(*&! about stuff. I'm not saying that passion isn't great..but constructive passion is better than explosive passion (in my opinion).

So anyway...the fact that I got SO frustrated/upset/I don't even know about some comments made about prisons (which, by the way, is not my "thing" precisely because I know it's too close) makes me feel embarrassed. I would have rather I had done anything BUT cry. But that's what I do, I suppose.

So what I consequently thought about after the fact were a few things:
1. I'm angry that I got upset about that and that I get upset about what people think/say but I'm MORE upset over the fact that I have a reason to know that what they are saying is wrong. I'm angry that this is part of my personal history. And I'm sort of angry I don't get to just don't talk about it that much. [maybe]...

2. Perhaps I'm more stressed about Dad coming subconsciously than I think. And maybe that's only a part of it. maybe it's also that I'm angry that I have to be worried about Dad coming to my wedding. Because people think he hasn't changed (which is what [I felt] the chunk of that discussion in class was saying: criminals can't change and prisons are shit [which they are a little bit]) so that could have been the nerve hit.

3. and finally, I have some really fabulous people in my life. I mean, seriously. There are a lot of people who care about me and not everyone can say that. I have a wonderful partner who knows that when I cry, it's not the end of the world. I have a mother who will talk to me for an entire car ride home about the same stuff we've been talking about for the past 15 years. I have glorious friends who know exactly what to say when I need them to say it. and I have teacher and mentors who care about me every step of the way - even when I'm out of their immediate surroundings or when I've just recently entered them. That's pretty awesome, if I do say so.

But even after these thoughts and even thinking about that class now...I get teary eyed. and it just reminds me that I have anger and I have frustration. and it needs to go somewhere. and I SHOULDN'T be embarrassed. and this is part of ME and who I am.  and I should deal with it. somehow.

so here I sit, thinking about this and many other things (international women's day, gender neutral bathrooms, class, spring break, etc.) and i am simultaneously feeling grateful and sad. and that's odd. but I'm sitting with it and handling it. and I'm proud of that.

Life Changing events

Well, we're graduated (mostly)! It was a pretty intense weekend full of caps, gowns, tassels, pictures, and traditions. I was reminded why I don't want a traditional wedding - it's BORING. haha, but it was fun, and I got to see my papa and one of my brothers. My mama and the grandparentals came up Saturday which was wonderful. I really love my family (when they are separate...the wedding is going to be a whole other story).

So I say we graduated mostly because Ben is still taking another class. He's finishing up his business minor this summer and then he'll be completely done. Luckily he'll have a few weeks of break before we have to pack up and head south to our new abode.

Turns out, I graduated with High Distinction from GWS which is pretty exciting. It hasn't really hit me yet that I'm done with undergrad. I imagine it won't happen til I move, but I figured I could do some thanks and such now...because it is official and all.

So first off, thanks to my mama. She's been my rock these past four years, from her driving 2.5 hours on a random Saturday morning to get coffee with me because I missed her so much to helping us move and everything in between. I've talked to her nearly everyday of this journey and she always knew what to say (and sometimes what not to say). Even though neither one of was really sure what we were getting into, we both made it and sometimes (only sometimes) I think she deserves the diploma just as much as I do (then I remember all the papers I wrote...and I think otherwise..;)...haha)

Then comes Ben: Ben has definitely been here for me all along. Sometimes it seems amazing and surreal that we've made it this far together. When a lot of people aren't even starting their lives together until now, it seems like we've lived a lifetime. seriously...and we aren't even married yet (as if you didn't know). I don't know that I can even begin to thank him enough for all he's done for me.

Then to my campus family:
Anna, my love: I would be long gone if it weren't for her. legit. While we've only been besties for about 2 years..it almost seems like 20. There's never a moment I won't/can't/don't share with her. Her family has taken me with the greatest hospitality. Our family dinners are reminiscent of my family dinners back home and our few heart-to-hearts were also much needed and always helpful. Luckily, this lady is one of my bridesmaids so I'll have plenty of excuses to see her after we graduate. (which is good because if I didn't, I would just have to make up excuses).

Courtney, babe! Even though she's not on campus, we've been there for each other the whole time...seriously through some of the toughest stuff people can go through. And we made it. Plus, now SHE'S engaged, too. Whoa..it's like we're growing up and becoming adults or something (which, by the way, I'm morally opposed to and refuse to do. It's in complete contradiction of my life goals, which include being a kid forever). I'm looking forward to moving back home so we can get back into the swing of things and start a crazy adventure of whatever comes next.

Joshua, he's the guy that I didn't have to talk to but once or twice a semester, but when we did see each other, it was the most fun, relaxing, crazy, awesome, lovely, at-home feeling ever. He was always the release I needed. As he once said "Our friendship is like riding a bike, we never miss a beat." - or something that was equally touching, if not confusing. he's like the brother that...well, I had..but didn't have. He's like another brother. yeah. that's it.

Jim...always keeping me on my toes. All the time.Which is good. and hilarious. I love him. I have always loved him. Since 4th grade when we became best friends..and have remained ever since (which is an intensely long relationship, btw.) I've said all I've needed to say to him over the years..and it's all true. and still holds true. And he knows it.


The rest of my extended family (new and old) - BSue, Katie, RaRa, Michelle, Megan, Bethany, JennScott (oneword), and all those you other wonderful WONDERFUL people - just a general thank you for writing on my facebook wall and giving me something to smile about. For having a personality that keeps me happy. For allowing me surround myself with positivity. And for keeping me on my game.

finally, my mentors:
Ross... I joke that he has single handedly changed my 4 year plan. And actually, it's not a joke. It's true. hardcore style. From the moment I met him, I knew that I was about to embark on something excited (which is what FYCARE was). And then he proceeded to believe in me enough to open up a plethora of opportunities from leading a crusade to get a women's center to getting FOIA'ed, from being nominated and selected for the excellence in leadership award to working on my ally skills and becoming a voice of social justice. I actually don't know what I would be doing with my life if I hadn't met him. I would probably be doing something that I hate doing in psychology, being anti-social, and perhaps not even on this campus. I think I can also speak for Ben when I say he has been a huge mentor in Ben's life as well. Our relationship is healthier because of some of the ideas that Ross introduced and we are both better people for it. I definitely would not be the force to be reckoned with that I am now. and you can stick that in your email and FOIA it!

Teryl ...I'm sorta sad that we just got to start working together the last semester of college, but she's definitely been my mama here on campus. I know that I can go be safe in her office. I can bitch about my day...and it's likely that she's having a similar issue. She takes care of me and makes sure that everything is going well...something I need every now and again.

Professor Gill...I only had her 2 semesters but she was perhaps the most interesting, fun-loving, and encouraging professor I've ever had. She did for me in my last 2 years what professor Pintar did for me my freshman year: she inspired me to be critical.

Clearly this is not everyone who has had an awesome impact on my life..but right now (literally in this moment) I'm feeling particularly grateful to these people. More than half of these people don't actually read my blog and for those of you reading for the purposes of figuring out what a feminist wedding looks like, I'm sorry that I've been on hiatus from wedding plan (though I have started looking at wedding dresses and figuring out what I want to do with that - traditional white, non-traditional, ball gown, wedding gowns, fun summer dress..the option are endless). For those of you who DO read this blog and if you know ANY of the people I've mentioned, you should consider yourself fortunate. Extremely fortunate. Like you should tell them how grateful you are to know them because these are awesome people.

If you are one of the people who I mentioned and read this blog, thanks again, from the bottom of my heart. You clearly make my world and I owe at least part of my success to you.

For now, until more wedding news (which may be some dress ideas as well as some ideas for receptions and things), good night and count your blessing..i've counted a few of mine.
hugs,
kaytlin

Conversing

I've been lucky enough to have a lot of support and interest from people in my life about this whole wedding thing. Yesterday I had the great pleasure of discussing feminist weddings with a friend of mine from my senior seminar. She, too, is a betrothed feminist (I would say engaged feminist, but that can have other meanings, too). It was really interesting talking to her because we both have very different approaches to our weddings but overall, our ideas of marriage are similar.

We were discussing some of the questions people have asked us (and she has had a lot more questions than I have). It's amazing what people come up with. It's astonishing how many people are happy that we're getting married, but when we question the traditions of marriage - people question why we're getting married. It's sort of ironic. Something is strange about people happy for you to do something but only in a certain way. Why can't we do this how we want to, DAMNIT!

Anyway. we on a little hiatus of wedding planning seeing as we're in the closing weeks of the semester. It's a little hectic right now between activism and finals and papers and madness. I'm really looking forward to the end. Although, I'm feeling bits and pieces of that detachment from the people here. *deep sigh*

Alas, we are still working on our place to stay - i.e. signing the lease, figuring the logistics of moving in, etc. Also slightly stressful.

I'm going to stop complaining now. It's been a really awesome day - and I have to keep reminding myself to take these things one day at a time. As much as I'm looking forward to the end, I gotta remember to appreciate them. Cheesy, right? .....yeah. eh.

that's it for now. stay tuned.

Great news!

I found out last night that cousin Marv can do our engagement photos! Huzzah! That's what I really care about a lot (not that I don't care about the wedding pictures...) so that's VERY exciting. It really made my night last night when I found that out.

It's also Good Friday, so we're going home this evening and tomorrow is going to be an insane day...hopefully. I'm going to be dyeing Easter eggs, having a potential walk-through of the house again, and making it to SIUE to make some copies for a friend. Not to mention all of the preparing that we'll probably have to do for Sunday. None of this is wedding stuff, though I'm sure at some point - it will creep in there. It tends to do that.

I'm also Ally of the month this month. Which is pretty exciting and it's an honor I'm really proud of. It's also Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Ben's super involved being the president of Men Against Sexual Violence. I'm pretty lucky to have found a guy who's a feminist and will openly call himself a feminist and will speak at rallies and such. Which is also what makes this feminist wedding thing infinitely better. I know that I'm not just doing this stuff and he couldn't care less either way...he wants it to happen, too.

Well, anyway - just wanted to give that brief update on the state of pictures. If anyone has suggestions for photographers (that aren't pricey) or knows how to use a good camera and has a bit of artistic inclination...let me know.

hugs,
Kaytlin

Am I doing this right?

So we're still trucking along...it was sorta strange being back at school because people are still congratulating us (which is nice, no doubt) but it's been like a week and a half now...and I'm not used to all that. Plus, I have to get my head back in the game - the game of school that is.

That is also difficult when I've been inundated with potentially buying a house *gasp* and also receiving my financial aid package from Wash U...which is very exciting but also kind of overwhelming. I don't know what these things mean for my future. It's all very confusing with a lot of steps that I haven't thought about before - obviously because we've never done this before.

Also, I got a little frustrated perturbed upset when I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do for pictures for this whole shebang (where did that word come from?). I wanted cousin Marv to do them but as it turns out he doesn't do weddings anymore...and I don't think know we can't afford his cohorts' prices so now we have to turn to someone else. Let me just say, as I've mentioned previously, pictures may be one of the only things that I will insist must be done right. Everything else (at this point) can be or do whatever..the photographs are important to me...is that a Bride-zilla moment? How un-feminist is that?

This whole feminist wedding thing has been uber-conscious lately, too. Especially given that I'm in a lot (read: all) gender studies classes. It's kind of weird in some classes to go in there and talk about gender justice or the queer community, or radicalism and then be engaged.  I mean, I like being engaged...love being engaged. I love Ben...however...in some ways I feel like a poser or something. I don't know - it's hard to negotiate and it's also hard to explain what I'm doing to alleviate the marriage traditions and oppression. Mostly because the things we're doing seem so small in comparison to the world of hurt that is out there. I mean, I know that no one expects us to uproot the whole institution...but I feel like I'm constantly on the search to be doing more. And when there are things that I do want to do (i.e. have a bouquet) and I don't really know the symbolism behind those things (though I think bouquets have something to do with minimal showering in the middle ages or something) - I don't know what I'm perpetuating. I don't want to be frowned upon and I just want to be able to revel in happiness...but it's a lot of pressure. I want to be really excited but I'm also not really like that. I'm not a giddy person. I don't generally like giddy people. I don't know how to react. Blargh: That's how I'm going react to everything.

To leave this note on a happy one: I asked Anna yesterday. And while she can't really talk because she's lost her voice..I'm pretty sure she was excited. That's my side of the wedding party down. Ben, I'm pretty sure, is 0 for 2...though I'm sure his side knows who they are. I guess we still have 2 years but hey - you can't ever have enough time (or can you?)

Day 5

I promise that this will eventually wear off. BUT...

Tonight I asked Courtney to be in my wedding. That's one attendant on my side...one more to go.

I'm also discovering that explaining a feminist wedding is like explaining that I do work that deals with sexual violence to someone. You get lots of whys and how comes or silences. Which is not to say that it is disapproving, but it's not the most comforting  and it's interesting . Mostly because we are doing it because it's something that we want for us...not necessarily to make a huge political statement, but kinda. I don't know. Ben and I aren't really all that political but when it comes to the type of work that we do, we can't be apolitical.

A lot of the stuff we're doing isn't necessarily feminist as much as anti-wedding establishment. For instance, attempting not to buy into the industry too much. That is to say that I won't be dropping a ton of money on my wedding dress. We're going to cap it at 200 bucks, I think. And I'm hoping not to even approach that. We're also looking at ways to do a bunch of stuff at home. Ben wants to grow our flowers so as not to support the cut flower industry (which is awful for the environment)...I don't know how feasible that is. But hey, we can make the effort, right? We decided on our party favors, too. That will save us some good money there.

Also, we've thought of this predicament of having vegetarian friends in what may be one of the most vegetarian-hostile places around. None of the caterers that I've looked at thus far have any sort of vegetarian entree. Ugh. We'll have to get that all figured out, too. It's hard being a earth/people conscious person.

It's all going to work out. We're lucky that we have such creative people working with us. I wanna have some fun, artsy, trendy things come out of this fiasco.

On a brighter note, we get to go look at a house tomorrow. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this place works for us. It would be fabulous to know where we're going to be in a few months.

Anyway..that's it for now. Those are the only revelations that I've had the past couple of days - we'll see how the rest of it goes.

I'm BAAAAAAACK.....

and enjoying my final few days before the hectic-ness that is the last semester of undergraduate college! What!? I know...it seems like just yesterday I was hugging away at my teddybear wishing I could come home because I missed it so much. Now I'm kinda antsy to get back into the swing of things. My, how life changes in four short years.

I was in NC for a week. It's always nice to see everyone, but it can be draining, too. It's hard to explain to people that I only come for a week because a week is about as much as I can handle. It's not the most booming of towns, really I could go for two days and get everything that we usually do in a week done. Dad is doing well, though, which is good. and the whole family is functioning, however dysfunctionally.

But like I said, I was glad to get home and now I'm kinda ready to be back at school. Mostly because I'm have a few new things on the table like a new job and independent study, plus new classes and a class with Anna Banana :-D. It will also make time go by faster so I can find out about the Fulbright and admissions to Wash U. Those are the biggest things weighing now. As long as one of those two things comes through for me, I'll be a happy little duck.

I've worked on a couple of paintings today. I think at some point I want to go take pictures, though I'm not sure where or of what. Maybe I'll think on that tomorrow whilst I memorize my monologue.

Well, that's about it. My life isn't too exciting yet, and I bet it won't be for a little while at least, though I'll keep this updated.

loves,
me

Ahh, the Hoffman clan...

...is so welcoming and wonderful. These last few days have been super. So much laughter and Chicago and laughter and loveliness.

Tomorrow we are going to the Art Institute and the Bean so it should prove to be a good time. Lucy (their french bulldog) loves me. Anna's house is beautiful. Just overall this has been wonderful. I love this family. This may become my second home (if the Hoffman's allow, of course).

Anyway, going to go now. I head out for NC on Wednesday. hmmm...
loves
kayt