Master...

Welp. I've completed my master's program. In two weeks, I'll walk across a stage, again, receive a diploma {cover}, get hooded, shake hands, and probably cry. I'll put three letters at the end of my signature (all the time) and I'll feel successful. Well, almost. I've got a little birdie in my ear that keeps saying "Kayt, what you really want is a PhD." And I just keep flicking it away...because I need a break. I'm pretty mentally and emotionally exhausted. Especially after the past few months. So I'm looking forward to May 18th.



But I'm not looking forward to the inevitable good-byes which seem to be starting all too soon. I don't deal well  with separation. At all. Partly because I think that I love a bit too fiercely for my own good. And partly because, well, my life has been filled with all sorts of untimely separations. And my feelings get hurt a bit too easily, probably. Which is why I keep saying that I'm just going to collect all of my people and keep them with me. All of the time.

It probably doesn't help that there is just the large UNKNOWN looming in front of me. The type of unknown that begs the question: was it worth it? and did you make the right decision two years ago? I feel REALLY GOOD about where I am right now. But sometimes I don't feel so good. Like when I think about how maybe I should've gotten a masters in higher education. or something like that. But I am where I need to be. I trust in that.

So for now, I'm going to read some books that I borrowed from the library/books I've been waiting to read for awhile.* And I'm going to be okay with where I am. Because one day, things that need to happen, will happen. and I'll be okay then...

*Books are:
The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
Jazz - Toni Morrison
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - Jonathan Safran Foer
Atypical: Life with Asperger's in 20 1/3 Chapters - Jesse Saperstein
The Whipping Girl: Julia Serano

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Remember that one time I said I was going to blog more?

Oops. Welp. Life happened and I didn't. And perhaps it's life that should make me want to blog more...but often times life leaves me at a loss for words (yes, it really can happen). 

Things that have happened since January in no particular order:

1. Ben and I celebrated our 7 year anniversary of being "Ben and Kaytlin." (March 20)

2. I got new glasses:

3. Grandpa has been in and out of the hospital.

4. My really good friends are getting married next year and I'm their unofficial official wedding planner/mistress of ceremonies

5. I've applied to 8 jobs seeing as I graduate in less than 7 weeks. Eep.

6. I wrote a wedding graduate post for A Practical Wedding about how feminism made our wedding awesome. And it was a really awesome experience for me, regardless of whether or not it actually makes it on the website. Maybe I'll post it here sometime. 

7. I had spring break wherein I read the entire Hunger Games series and The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. If you are Facebook friends with me, you know that because I could NOT shut up about it.

8. I've begun to entertain the idea of getting my PhD in Gender studies so I could teach and maybe actually get a job. 

9. I bought myself Margaret Cho tickets for a graduation present for June. And I'm pumped.

10. We celebrated Ben's 24th birthday! (March 23)

Plus some other stuff. Needless to say, I could have written a lot on any of those things. but I didn't. So here I am saying that I'll keep trying. Hopefully the next blog will be something about how I've gotten a kick ass job. or something along those lines. but until then...I'll just keep tryin'.

Reality Check

So while watching a television program about the incarceration rates of black males and the cycles of incarceration and I had a reality check about my own privilege and wow, does that make you think.

This program discussed how 1 in 12 black men are incarcerated and with the family cycles that perpetuate the rates of incarceration (not to mention the rampant racism that is inherent in the prison industrial complex) that statistic is slated to reach a preposterous 1 in 3 black men with the next generations. There were interviews with a man who was being released from prison and his partner, as well as a man who had recently been released and was seeking employment and his step-father, along with the rest of his family. What struck me was how the partner of the man who was in prison stated that every man in her life had been or currently was incarcerated. Because of this, she was concerned about her own children's trajectories and was adamant about the cycle stopping with her children.

This led me to think about my own family structure. Every older male on my father's side, save for one uncle and my brother, has spent a night in prison at least, though many have served much longer prison sentences, including my father. Granted, I did not spend much time with my father's side of the family but I DID spend a lot of time with my father prior to his own incarceration. Watching that program, I couldn't help but wonder, what if I hadn't been white? What if my father and his family weren't white? It is nearly certain that I wouldn't be on the same path and in the same place I am currently.

Granted, I did not grow up in a neighborhood where violence and drug-use were the norm. My mother was a strong figure who very much influenced my path. My grandparents had a strong influence and my siblings, though not the brightest in the bunch all the time, were fairly law abiding. While my mother was a single mom raising two kids and I often subsided on Ramen noodles, I never felt impoverished, nor did I ever go to sleep hungry that I can recall. Clearly these are all factors that influence rates of imprisonment but yet, it still begs the question, why do these issues disproportionately affect African Americans? (Hint: the answer isn't that they simply commit more crimes.) On NPR, there was a statistic that stated that while 5x more white folks are abusing drugs, 13x more black men are serving time. That's serious.

So again, my whiteness. and how today, I'm feeling particularly thankful for how the cards have fallen. I have an awareness about a lot of things, like exactly how many prison doors one must go through to see their father, or what eating three meals out of a vending machine is like because that's the only food available in a prison visiting room. I also sometimes remember that this is my reality, even though it is in my past. It is my reality and not very many other people in my immediate world share that reality. Which is isolating. And frustrating. But I'm also grateful because I know that there are parts of the world, parts of my world, where my reality is the norm and that's sad. And it's all because of that cycle that I was never meant to be a part of...because I'm white. And I'm owning that tonight and being grateful for my blessings.

Guest Blog: AWESOME EDITION

So some of the readers of this blog may know that before I started my work in Diversity and Social Justice education, I worked predominantly in Sexual Assault Education. It was in Sexual Assault Education that I honed my skills as a facilitator because, as one may imagine, facilitating about sexual assault and rape at a Big Ten university where more than 1 in 5 undergrads* were part of the Greek system is not the easiest feat. 


While I no longer work in sexual assault, I am always drawn to critical pieces about sexual assault and rape culture and the efforts that are being made to address those issues. I am SO SO SO HAPPY to be able to share one of those pieces with you. You should count yourself lucky because this piece is about to get leaked to Feministing and Ms. blogs but you'll be able to say that you saw it here first before it was huge - and I know how you hipsters like to say shit like that.


About the author: JS is a fabulous woman who I not only worked with in Undergrad but also who I consider one of my greatest friends and mentors. She is sarcastic, funny, but also one of the most genuine and sincere women that I have ever met. She has one of the fiercest personalities and she uses it almost daily, which is why I love her so. 


*I should say that Greek Life doesn't inherently mean Sexual Assault and I'm in no way trying to taint Greek Life with Sexual Assault. However, there is certainly a fraternity culture that provides resistance to teaching about rape culture and sexual assault. Some of the most active male allies I've ever met are upstanding Greek men who have also encountered resistance from their frat brother. justsayin'.




So without further ado, JS and her Thoughts on SlutWalk:



As a sexual violence prevention educator, I find hope in the grassroots activism and passion that radiates from Slutwalk.  Anything that gets people talking, that breaks down the myths and reduces victim shaming is a step in the right direction. This activism is so badly needed in a society that still justifies violent victimization by what women are wearing or how they choose to spend their Friday nights.  The photos of women clad in sneakers, jeans and comfy t-shirts carrying signs that read “this is what I was wearing when I was raped” make my heart ache.  But after reading all of the discussion, I’m left wondering if there’s a place for me in Slutwalk.
Much has been written about Slutwalk, and the problematic nature of the word “slut.”  Many women of color, in particular, have made it clear that they don’t want to reclaim the word slut because of the way their sexuality has been constructed throughout America’s racist history.  As a woman in a wheelchair, I have a very different problem: the word slut has never been mine to reclaim.

While women all over the world are waiting for people to stop seeing them as sex objects, women with disabilities are still waiting to be seen at all.  We are less than a woman, somehow-- less than “slut”. Too often we are viewed as pitiable, pathetic, and devoid of desire.   We could never be “sluts.”  If we are “lucky enough” to have partners, they get congratulations and pats on the back from strangers when they “take us out” in public.  People applaud their generosity and selflessness for taking care of us, assuming they get nothing in return (certainly not sex or satisfying intimate connections).  People imagine we are loved “in spite of” our disabilities rather than for all the other things we are.  We struggle to find doctors who will monitor our pregnancies and help deliver our babies because it’s “dangerous” for us to be mothers.
   
But that doesn’t mean we’re any safer.  Women with disabilities face extremely high rates of sexual assault.  More than half of us will be raped and studies estimate that the figure is closer to 70 to 80 percent for women with developmental disabilities. We’re also more likely than women without disabilities to face multiple perpetrators.  Sometimes, these perpetrators even tell us we should be grateful, that they have done us a favor.  After all, no one else is going to want us.  Despite these astronomical rape figures we have almost no credibility in the criminal justice system.  No one could imagine why anybody would do that to “someone like us”.  They tell us that we can’t be trusted to tell our own stories of terror.  They speculate about our ability to even understand what has been done to us. 

This is why it’s absolutely crucial for women with disabilities to have a voice in SlutWalk.  While “reclaiming slut” isn’t for me, I think SlutWalk should be about more than that.  It’s about demanding that all women be allowed to embrace their sexuality, voice our outrage when someone violates us, and be heard loud and clear when we do it.    



Thanks, JS, for these powerful words that give me something to think about. 


Have I mentioned how lucky I am to have the people I have in my life?

"Community"

and no, I'm not talking about the show (though I really love that show...a lot..check it out on NBC Thursdays).

I'm talking about what "community" means. I think it is a term (like many others) that gets thrown around a lot. At school, we call ourselves the Brown Community. We have communities of faith, communities of color, and the one that is sitting on my heart in particular tonight, is the LGBT community.

Community suggests some sort of commonality - commonality in language, heritage, geography, or some other shared experience. However, I wonder what happens when communities form around hardship. What happens when that commonality is simply common marginalization? I mean, obviously we've seen where marginalization leads to revolution leads to (a sort of) unity. But what are the dysfunctions when people outside of the community begin identifying a community (know what I mean?) What happens when a bunch of straight folks identify those who (for whatever reason) aren't accepted in the straight "community" (and doesn't that sound strange to place an agent identity in a community) and label them as another community despite their differences - specifically the radically different situations presented to gay men vs. lesbian women vs. gay women vs. bi-affectional folks vs. bisexual folks vs. transgender folks vs. transsexual folks vs. every other possible label you can attach to an individual. Is it different if those folks identify themselves as a community - ignoring those vast differences themselves? HOW DOES THAT WORK?

And the to further complicate things - what about people who fall into shades of even murkier gray (as if they haven't already been discussed)? But now, I'm thinking about myself personally. This blog was started to discuss some issues that I think about in my head. I've been pretty bad at actually working those things out here because (un)fortunately I have tons of people who are great at mediating some of that work for me or it simply becomes irrelevant.

In some circles I identify as heteroqueer.
"Kaytlin, what the hell does that mean?"
I have no f*cking clue (sometimes). But actually I've been evolving the definition more and more to reflect what it means for me. which is honestly both the beauty and the bane of labels.
Here's what I used to say:
Heteroqueer means that I'm in a long-term relationship that is heterosexual (hence the hetero) however, I don't want to negate that I may/may not find other genders attractive.

that seemed like a pretty good definition for the year I was first trying on that label. but now. it doesn't fit. Because, while I think all of that is true...my relationship (that heterosexual one) is pretty solid. actually, like, rock/diamond solid. So expressing other attractions that I may/may not have seems petty because it's likely that they won't mean much. That being said...identifying as just straight doesn't feel right either. and I still (for some reason) feel like heteroqueer defines me.
Here's why:
I present as sorta genderqueer meaning I have some stereotypically masculine features. I'm not petite, I'm (certainly) not effeminate, I have short "butch-like" hair, and other typical (and admittedly problematic) "features" - if you will - i.e. I can be extremely crass and un-ladylike (whatever that means).
Further, while I am in a long term straight relationship and Ben identifies as straight (though when I presented the idea of heteroqueer as a label, he didn't disagree), not identifying with the queer "commmunity" -- what does that mean -- seems odd. Especially because so many of my best friends and those that have inspired me to do well have identified with that space/label.

So here's the dilemma:
If I, someone who COULD, in fact, place myself in the AGENT "straight community", choose not to and instead identify with the "LGBTQIA/Queer/Non-straight" community - does that cheapen a sense of community. What if people are already doing that? What if people are being placed in that community that don't want to be there? What if people are being placed in a community that don't belong there? What does community mean? What does it mean, as a social worker or as ANYONE, to be a community builder? What are you building? Is is a superficial space in which identifying individuals is simply made easier for outsiders? Will people naturally form their own small niches which could be construed as communities? Is that the same sort of community?

And what about co-opting an identity (which is sometime what I feel like with my own made up identity)? If that is something that I truly do identify with and yet I'm rejected by the culture/community that I feel that best fits in because I am choosing that label...whose fault* is that? Should I have known that I didn't belong there? Is being heteroqueer still too straight? Is there a line?

Basically what I'm saying is that I question (clearly, because of the amount of ? in this blahg) the notion of community. I question whether there are things that outside people (read: social workers) can do to improve quality of a community that is in distress/need - because while clearly we can help individuals and those individuals will go back to their self-designated niches  - truly helping a "community" (other than simply a geographic location) seems unattainable to me. and perhaps futile.

I should state that I am a macro person - so the sense of community building is along the line I want to go down, however, I think these are important questions to ponder. Also, there may be a simple solution to this - or you may say, "duh Kaytlin, of course we help...we do X, Y, & Z and it's great" - and perhaps it is that simple...but I just needed to think about it.

*I'm not stating implicit "fault" - I'm just saying that in terms of who needs to deal with it...which side accepts the burden?

ponderous moments by kaytlin

hugs,
kaytlin

New musings...

So I'm back at it, little by little. I try to do it in small doses because it's really easy to get sucked up and sucked in. I've stumbled upon (not literally, though that is a possibility) a nifty little website that is extremely helpful when thinking about some of the more quirky, fun, non-traditional, yet practical ways to have a wonderful wedding. I've been thinking more and more about the different aspects of the wedding and I'm able to picture it a little bit better now, though not completely. There are a few things that Ben and I have been discussing:
a: iPod DJ. This means we aren't hiring a DJ...and it also means that we'll hear all of the music we want to hear and none of the music we don't (i.e. Stevie Nicks*/Country) - idea taken from the aforementioned website (as are quite a few of my musings.)
b. a different wedding reception site that is not your typical Southern Illinois fare - which means, perhaps, maybe, possibly getting out of a VFW/KFC/Auxiliary hall and into someplace that is more suited to Ben and me. The only A few of the problems are:
- limited radius of travel : we have quite a few older folks who may be attending this wedding. I'm not trying to make a whole group of people scurry into St. Louis.
- money: things cost money. period. nicer things cost more money.
- number of people: IDEALLY the wedding reception would be someplace artsy and somewhat intimate..but when you have quite a few attending, intimate quickly becomes stifling.
UGH. I just want someplace cool, hipster (*gasp, yes I said it*), trendy, quirky, fun, interesting,...you get the idea. I want a place that reflects who Ben and I are as a couple. (which is really what I want the whole wedding to be, hence the egalitarian nature/feminist leanings).
c. unique ideas for guestbook things: SO on this website I mentioned, there was this post about a photographer - actually there are lots of posts about lots of photographers** but this isn't about the photographer. This is about something that was the subject of a photo. The intercultural wedding that the photographer was taking pictures have utilized a watercolor painting of a tree (similar to something one might see in Chinese culture) and had their guests leave finger/thumb prints as the leaves of the tree. I don't think they had people signing by their finger/thumbprints but I think that would also be an interesting addition. I like this idea because I like the idea of having something that we could hang up and have around all the time as opposed to only a guest book (which I still like as well, for those priceless pieces of information that they are filled with) which would only be brought out once or twice and maybe later for posterity reasons. This painting idea is also pretty reflective of how I think about the people who will be invited to the wedding - they are all people who have left or are continuing to leave thumbprint on my mind and heart. (Isn't that just cheese-tastic!)
d. A LITTLE BIT of dresses. NOT MUCH. I'm not quite ready for that step yet, but we have been talking about it. We're planning a July wedding (thus far) and it probably gonna be HOT. Granted, we'll be inside. Still, I don't wanna sweat at all in that dress. for personal reasons. like I don't like sweat dripping into places it shouldn't. That's just nasty. So I'm weighing my options. and thinking about how I perhaps want to take a little bit of the tradition out of that, as well.
e. Good news: I've found a couple of options for photogs maybe. hopefully. Ones that may work within our budget and do the kind of work I want. HUZZAH!
It's interesting to me how when I have a bit of free time (i.e. Summer break) my mind drifts to this wedding stuff even though we still have TWO YEARS and there are things that are much more pressing at hand - for instance, us moving in two MONTHS. I have a whole new planning space that I should be planning out and I should be playing interior designer now. And I am, a little. But it always drifts back to the wedding. which in some ways is disappointing. I'm antsy and a little sad that it is so far away, though I know that I would be ten times worse with my mind preoccupation if it were any closer. Part of me want to just go to the courthouse but I know that I would miss that family/friends presence. I think that's the part that excites me more than anything (besides the photographer capturing the day) is knowing that this is something I get to share with the people I love the most. I'm so sentimental, sometimes.
Oh well. It'll all come together. It has thus far. And things keep changing. Who knows, maybe one day there will be a blog that says SURPRISE, WE'RE MARRIED - but don't count on it. I've got checks and balances to my madness, I promise.

* Stevie Nicks (aside from Fleetwood Mac) has a voice that grates my eardrums and has the potential to make them bleed. She sounds like a lamb (to quote Kara from AI...**deepsigh**) and it bugs the hell out of me. There will be no Stevie Nicks so for those of you who thought you were going to hear "Landslide"..sorry, find another wedding.
**Have I mentioned how much I love wedding photography. Perhaps once or twice.

That's it for now, everyone. Happy musings.
Hugs,
Kaytlin

Conversing

I've been lucky enough to have a lot of support and interest from people in my life about this whole wedding thing. Yesterday I had the great pleasure of discussing feminist weddings with a friend of mine from my senior seminar. She, too, is a betrothed feminist (I would say engaged feminist, but that can have other meanings, too). It was really interesting talking to her because we both have very different approaches to our weddings but overall, our ideas of marriage are similar.

We were discussing some of the questions people have asked us (and she has had a lot more questions than I have). It's amazing what people come up with. It's astonishing how many people are happy that we're getting married, but when we question the traditions of marriage - people question why we're getting married. It's sort of ironic. Something is strange about people happy for you to do something but only in a certain way. Why can't we do this how we want to, DAMNIT!

Anyway. we on a little hiatus of wedding planning seeing as we're in the closing weeks of the semester. It's a little hectic right now between activism and finals and papers and madness. I'm really looking forward to the end. Although, I'm feeling bits and pieces of that detachment from the people here. *deep sigh*

Alas, we are still working on our place to stay - i.e. signing the lease, figuring the logistics of moving in, etc. Also slightly stressful.

I'm going to stop complaining now. It's been a really awesome day - and I have to keep reminding myself to take these things one day at a time. As much as I'm looking forward to the end, I gotta remember to appreciate them. Cheesy, right? .....yeah. eh.

that's it for now. stay tuned.