Master...

Welp. I've completed my master's program. In two weeks, I'll walk across a stage, again, receive a diploma {cover}, get hooded, shake hands, and probably cry. I'll put three letters at the end of my signature (all the time) and I'll feel successful. Well, almost. I've got a little birdie in my ear that keeps saying "Kayt, what you really want is a PhD." And I just keep flicking it away...because I need a break. I'm pretty mentally and emotionally exhausted. Especially after the past few months. So I'm looking forward to May 18th.



But I'm not looking forward to the inevitable good-byes which seem to be starting all too soon. I don't deal well  with separation. At all. Partly because I think that I love a bit too fiercely for my own good. And partly because, well, my life has been filled with all sorts of untimely separations. And my feelings get hurt a bit too easily, probably. Which is why I keep saying that I'm just going to collect all of my people and keep them with me. All of the time.

It probably doesn't help that there is just the large UNKNOWN looming in front of me. The type of unknown that begs the question: was it worth it? and did you make the right decision two years ago? I feel REALLY GOOD about where I am right now. But sometimes I don't feel so good. Like when I think about how maybe I should've gotten a masters in higher education. or something like that. But I am where I need to be. I trust in that.

So for now, I'm going to read some books that I borrowed from the library/books I've been waiting to read for awhile.* And I'm going to be okay with where I am. Because one day, things that need to happen, will happen. and I'll be okay then...

*Books are:
The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
Jazz - Toni Morrison
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - Jonathan Safran Foer
Atypical: Life with Asperger's in 20 1/3 Chapters - Jesse Saperstein
The Whipping Girl: Julia Serano

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Remember that one time I said I was going to blog more?

Oops. Welp. Life happened and I didn't. And perhaps it's life that should make me want to blog more...but often times life leaves me at a loss for words (yes, it really can happen). 

Things that have happened since January in no particular order:

1. Ben and I celebrated our 7 year anniversary of being "Ben and Kaytlin." (March 20)

2. I got new glasses:

3. Grandpa has been in and out of the hospital.

4. My really good friends are getting married next year and I'm their unofficial official wedding planner/mistress of ceremonies

5. I've applied to 8 jobs seeing as I graduate in less than 7 weeks. Eep.

6. I wrote a wedding graduate post for A Practical Wedding about how feminism made our wedding awesome. And it was a really awesome experience for me, regardless of whether or not it actually makes it on the website. Maybe I'll post it here sometime. 

7. I had spring break wherein I read the entire Hunger Games series and The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. If you are Facebook friends with me, you know that because I could NOT shut up about it.

8. I've begun to entertain the idea of getting my PhD in Gender studies so I could teach and maybe actually get a job. 

9. I bought myself Margaret Cho tickets for a graduation present for June. And I'm pumped.

10. We celebrated Ben's 24th birthday! (March 23)

Plus some other stuff. Needless to say, I could have written a lot on any of those things. but I didn't. So here I am saying that I'll keep trying. Hopefully the next blog will be something about how I've gotten a kick ass job. or something along those lines. but until then...I'll just keep tryin'.

Oh Hey There 2012...

It's a new year and as much as I loved this...

I was really ready for the year to be over.

The last few months were a bear and really challenged me both intellectually and emotionally. I like a challenge just as much as the next person but I was pretty close to a limit.

Christmas was rough because sometimes family is just unrelenting but overall this break has been wonderful.

Plus I got a really great sweatshirt which I've been pretty much living in:

Ben was off for awhile - he's back at school now which is sad but it was great while it lasted...

Josh is home - well, not right now...but in general...

Court is having babies - yes. 2. two. TWO. wow.

2011 was when Ben and I got married. I'm in my dream practicum right now, doing what I love doing, working with people that I love, I've found my perfect group of friends 

(many of whom will be leaving me in 2012...lesigh)

and

I'm prepared to move forward and become a real adult in the next few months 

(scary)

I don't believe in resolutions because I don't want to limit myself to bettering myself once a year.

 I believe in goals. 

and my goals are:

*Finish my sketchbook (which I have to send in SOON. eep.)

*Be healthier

*Work harder in school. I mean, really.

*Be a better partner

*Be a better friend

*Be a better daughter

*Be a good pen pal (that means you, Audrey)

*Do some stuff in the 'Lou that I haven't yet (Arch, I'm comin' atcha)

*Find a job

*Blog more

*Be introspective (and write about it)

*read more books that aren't assigned for class

*read more stuff that is assigned for class

...and you know, morestufflikethat

happy new year, everyone. be well. be happy. be nice.

Reality Check

So while watching a television program about the incarceration rates of black males and the cycles of incarceration and I had a reality check about my own privilege and wow, does that make you think.

This program discussed how 1 in 12 black men are incarcerated and with the family cycles that perpetuate the rates of incarceration (not to mention the rampant racism that is inherent in the prison industrial complex) that statistic is slated to reach a preposterous 1 in 3 black men with the next generations. There were interviews with a man who was being released from prison and his partner, as well as a man who had recently been released and was seeking employment and his step-father, along with the rest of his family. What struck me was how the partner of the man who was in prison stated that every man in her life had been or currently was incarcerated. Because of this, she was concerned about her own children's trajectories and was adamant about the cycle stopping with her children.

This led me to think about my own family structure. Every older male on my father's side, save for one uncle and my brother, has spent a night in prison at least, though many have served much longer prison sentences, including my father. Granted, I did not spend much time with my father's side of the family but I DID spend a lot of time with my father prior to his own incarceration. Watching that program, I couldn't help but wonder, what if I hadn't been white? What if my father and his family weren't white? It is nearly certain that I wouldn't be on the same path and in the same place I am currently.

Granted, I did not grow up in a neighborhood where violence and drug-use were the norm. My mother was a strong figure who very much influenced my path. My grandparents had a strong influence and my siblings, though not the brightest in the bunch all the time, were fairly law abiding. While my mother was a single mom raising two kids and I often subsided on Ramen noodles, I never felt impoverished, nor did I ever go to sleep hungry that I can recall. Clearly these are all factors that influence rates of imprisonment but yet, it still begs the question, why do these issues disproportionately affect African Americans? (Hint: the answer isn't that they simply commit more crimes.) On NPR, there was a statistic that stated that while 5x more white folks are abusing drugs, 13x more black men are serving time. That's serious.

So again, my whiteness. and how today, I'm feeling particularly thankful for how the cards have fallen. I have an awareness about a lot of things, like exactly how many prison doors one must go through to see their father, or what eating three meals out of a vending machine is like because that's the only food available in a prison visiting room. I also sometimes remember that this is my reality, even though it is in my past. It is my reality and not very many other people in my immediate world share that reality. Which is isolating. And frustrating. But I'm also grateful because I know that there are parts of the world, parts of my world, where my reality is the norm and that's sad. And it's all because of that cycle that I was never meant to be a part of...because I'm white. And I'm owning that tonight and being grateful for my blessings.

odd mood

lots of people asked me today and the day before if I was okay. which I found to be odd. I mean, I'm not particularly NOT okay...i just feel....odd.

The way I described it was that my head and body felt all buzzy. I don't know how else to describe it. I imagine it's sort of what restless leg syndrome feels like only in your brain and your whole body.

I imagine that this has a heck of a lot to do with classes finishing up and me not quite being ready for that. But there's probably a little bit of that that has to do with wedding-ness and all of the stuff that goes along with that.

Sometimes I get all existential and think about my reality versus what I imagine other people imagine is my reality. You know...like I think about what people must think about my life versus how my life has played out. And I wonder if there is a disconnect. In some ways, with some people, I KNOW there is a disconnect. And I wish there were an easier way to bridge that gap. but sometimes that feels selfish.

Like today, I know I was in a weird mood from my conversation with ma last night. Again, not particularly bad but also not particularly good. And people continue to ask if I'm okay. which leads to a couple of things for me.
1. If this is what I'm like in a weird mood and people notice...what am I like in an un-weird mood that people identify with more? In other words, what makes me seem normal?
and 2. How and am I able to truly convey the meaning of the oddness without seeming like I'm digging for something in particular? Can I say that it's because of this seemingly random happenstance of my family discussing my father/my mother's life story without me there and I'm still struggling with it? (I know I CAN say that...) but can I say it in a way that doesn't sound purposefully vague or like I'm fishing for questions? Because that's what it sounds like to me..and I don't want to sound like that. I'm also not opposed to answering questions. It's a strange predicament.

but yeah. so that's the strange mood I'm in. compounded with school work, it seems stressful. And yet, I blog. Oh life.

Revelations (or How Crying In Class Makes Me Think)

So I had a breakdown. In a class. Of eight people.

And then I continued to cry throughout the day and even some this morning. All because we were talking about prisons.

I'm not the type to get upset easily about this sort of stuff. I've dealt with a lot of my past through exposure (talking about it) and therapy (expensive talking about it). At school, I generally try to be a chill person because the environment at school is already to high strung for my liking. People get way too...(*&(*^)(*&! about stuff. I'm not saying that passion isn't great..but constructive passion is better than explosive passion (in my opinion).

So anyway...the fact that I got SO frustrated/upset/I don't even know about some comments made about prisons (which, by the way, is not my "thing" precisely because I know it's too close) makes me feel embarrassed. I would have rather I had done anything BUT cry. But that's what I do, I suppose.

So what I consequently thought about after the fact were a few things:
1. I'm angry that I got upset about that and that I get upset about what people think/say but I'm MORE upset over the fact that I have a reason to know that what they are saying is wrong. I'm angry that this is part of my personal history. And I'm sort of angry I don't get to just don't talk about it that much. [maybe]...

2. Perhaps I'm more stressed about Dad coming subconsciously than I think. And maybe that's only a part of it. maybe it's also that I'm angry that I have to be worried about Dad coming to my wedding. Because people think he hasn't changed (which is what [I felt] the chunk of that discussion in class was saying: criminals can't change and prisons are shit [which they are a little bit]) so that could have been the nerve hit.

3. and finally, I have some really fabulous people in my life. I mean, seriously. There are a lot of people who care about me and not everyone can say that. I have a wonderful partner who knows that when I cry, it's not the end of the world. I have a mother who will talk to me for an entire car ride home about the same stuff we've been talking about for the past 15 years. I have glorious friends who know exactly what to say when I need them to say it. and I have teacher and mentors who care about me every step of the way - even when I'm out of their immediate surroundings or when I've just recently entered them. That's pretty awesome, if I do say so.

But even after these thoughts and even thinking about that class now...I get teary eyed. and it just reminds me that I have anger and I have frustration. and it needs to go somewhere. and I SHOULDN'T be embarrassed. and this is part of ME and who I am.  and I should deal with it. somehow.

so here I sit, thinking about this and many other things (international women's day, gender neutral bathrooms, class, spring break, etc.) and i am simultaneously feeling grateful and sad. and that's odd. but I'm sitting with it and handling it. and I'm proud of that.

whoa, another revamp.

I apologize for lack of posts and then changing it up on you every time. Though this time was a total surprise and it makes me pretty happy :). And I also apologize that because I don't blog often (enough), my blogs end up like small novels. feel free to stop reading at any point that you become bored.

((still here? COOL!))

What have I been up to lately, you ask? (Probably not, but I'm going to tell you anyway).

Well, I've been...
--getting 40-hour training for Illinois Rape Crisis Services. It's a pretty intense process and it leads me back to where I started this whole journey of social justice work and activism. It's sort of baffling to me how I've changed so much over the past 3 years and yet I find myself coming full circle to rape education, prevention, and survivor support. And the fact that I can find myself still so positive about all of that is extraordinary to me (particularly given my attention span). It also lets me think a lot about the ways in which my work is so greatly shaped by the fact that I started out in rape education. You see, for me, rape education and prevention is a tangible thing. It's not as abstract or theoretical as oppression theory or even the "simple" isms (i.e. racism, sexism, classism, ageism, etc.). It's something that happens and something should and needs to be done about it. That is not to say that the isms shouldn't be eradicated either, but I'm just saying that rape seems to be something sort of, kind of manageable (but yet, so overwhelmingly not. ugh). This tangibility and the fact that every rape is someone's individual story (whereas sometimes instances of an ism could be seen as something less individual, more institutional, etc.) leads me to approach all of these things with a sort of empathy as though I'm dealing solely with individuals. This may or may not be a problem. I don't know yet. it probably is a problem, or at least will be in the long run because the way I think about it requires me to assign a problem to someone/something I care about. Selfish, much? Anyway, re-approaching* the issue of rape from this stance has been sort of eye-opening and overall good (I think) for me to re-evaluate the ways in which I should approach the other issues I care about.

--Reading blogs...like it's my job (which in some ways, it sort of is). I REALLY enjoy blogs. I enjoy blogging. I enjoy everything about blogs, from the little tidbits of information you can glean unwittingly to the tone of blogs (which very much mimics my style of living - pretty casual and conversational). But sometimes those tidbits of information on blogs make me RAGE. Especially some of the articles on sites like Feministing.com and other feminist sites which highlight both wins in the realm of feminism but also EPIC FAILS in the fight to maintain a Just society. For instance, first thing this morning, Facebook notified me about this article on female genital mutilation that is occurring not only in the US, but IN THE NAME OF RESEARCH!? WHAT........THE..............FUCK! (and I say that with utmost respect to my readers). Seriously?! This article went viral through my newsfeed where every one of my Vagina Monologues Ladies picked up on it in outrage (clearly). It's this sort of shit that we think happens elsewhere and we spend time speaking out against when our own (probably overpaid) scholars our instigated and perpetuating it here....FUUUUUUUUUUUhhh. If this isn't enough to incite riots in the street (which it should) - Feministing also linked to Louisiana's new legislation require ultrasounds before abortions. Yes, please make this ultimately life-changing and excruciating decision (which in all likelihood was not a split second decision) that much more difficult for someone to bear. please. BUT not to bring you all down with such crap nonsense, there are also highlights, like a particularly intelligent woman who is graduating high school while doing an experiment that includes Seventeen Magazine. If you haven't read her blog about this, do it. You'll probably learn something (and fight adultism at the same time. Two-for-one - WIN!).

--Planning our move. We're moving in mid-July to a new (unfurnished) place. Which then requires us to make large purchases like a sofa, washer and dryer, desks, etc. On top of all of that, we are moving from 2 different locations, really. Here in Champbana and also our parents' houses. This complicates a lot of things, too. Not unmanageably, but just enough that it is kinda sorta stressful and requires a decent amount of foresight.

--more WEDDING stuff. I know, the phases of my wedding "planning" are so sporatic, it's ridiculous. BUT I have been doing some research on photogs (though I would love for Ms. Crystal Wasson to do our wedding as her first). I've also been scoping out some dress designs that I may or may not wanna wear. And also just trying to think about how we want the day to feel (which includes incessantly scoping out reception sites...annoying). This also includes reading A Practical Wedding (the blog that I've been doting on) habitually.  Two years seems like such a long time (especially when I consider that the grad program that I haven't even started yet is a whole 2 years long).

--Working. At the job that I absolutely love and will miss dearly. Not because of the work so much - though I must say that getting to work within the realm of social justice, even if it is just scheduling rooms to have meetings about social justice is extremely rewarding work (for me...not for everyone) - but rather because of the people I get to work with daily. Seriously. My boss sent me a Dinosaur Comic which then led to me spending hours looking at more Dinosaur Comics. And that's just the sort of relationship we have. Which I love. It's going to suck when I have to have a legit business professional relationship with a boss (read: non-friendship) - I don't even know if I am capable of such things. Hurumph.

--Growing up. This is the worst part about what I've been doing which sort of encompasses all of the last points (duh) but also includes things like meeting up with friends from college for the last (or close to last) time before we all go our separate ways and figuring out budgets and savings. Planning for the next couple of years and realizing that, holy shit, I won't be living at Mom's house for a month over winter break and I may not be spending the night there on Christmas Eve. What?! I'm going to be inviting my parents and Ben's parents over to our place for dinners. Like adults do. We're going to have an office in this new place. *shudder*..*squeal*..I'm scared but super excited. What does that even mean? Is this a condition I should get checked out?

Anyway- I've decided that these novellas are ridiculously long, if not unfocused. I'm going to attempt (and I say this loosely) to make a list of blog topics. And perhaps institute a weekly or bi-weekly schedule. We'll see how this works out. be patient. I'm bad at habit forming and routine.

*Not that I ever left or stopped caring about the issue of rape, I just distanced myself for a bit. It's hard to do all of that work at once.

that's it. Whew! Did you make it! Did you skip some? (Be honest, it doesn't sting too bad).
Always and forever,
kaytlin