Master...

Welp. I've completed my master's program. In two weeks, I'll walk across a stage, again, receive a diploma {cover}, get hooded, shake hands, and probably cry. I'll put three letters at the end of my signature (all the time) and I'll feel successful. Well, almost. I've got a little birdie in my ear that keeps saying "Kayt, what you really want is a PhD." And I just keep flicking it away...because I need a break. I'm pretty mentally and emotionally exhausted. Especially after the past few months. So I'm looking forward to May 18th.



But I'm not looking forward to the inevitable good-byes which seem to be starting all too soon. I don't deal well  with separation. At all. Partly because I think that I love a bit too fiercely for my own good. And partly because, well, my life has been filled with all sorts of untimely separations. And my feelings get hurt a bit too easily, probably. Which is why I keep saying that I'm just going to collect all of my people and keep them with me. All of the time.

It probably doesn't help that there is just the large UNKNOWN looming in front of me. The type of unknown that begs the question: was it worth it? and did you make the right decision two years ago? I feel REALLY GOOD about where I am right now. But sometimes I don't feel so good. Like when I think about how maybe I should've gotten a masters in higher education. or something like that. But I am where I need to be. I trust in that.

So for now, I'm going to read some books that I borrowed from the library/books I've been waiting to read for awhile.* And I'm going to be okay with where I am. Because one day, things that need to happen, will happen. and I'll be okay then...

*Books are:
The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
Jazz - Toni Morrison
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - Jonathan Safran Foer
Atypical: Life with Asperger's in 20 1/3 Chapters - Jesse Saperstein
The Whipping Girl: Julia Serano

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Remember that one time I said I was going to blog more?

Oops. Welp. Life happened and I didn't. And perhaps it's life that should make me want to blog more...but often times life leaves me at a loss for words (yes, it really can happen). 

Things that have happened since January in no particular order:

1. Ben and I celebrated our 7 year anniversary of being "Ben and Kaytlin." (March 20)

2. I got new glasses:

3. Grandpa has been in and out of the hospital.

4. My really good friends are getting married next year and I'm their unofficial official wedding planner/mistress of ceremonies

5. I've applied to 8 jobs seeing as I graduate in less than 7 weeks. Eep.

6. I wrote a wedding graduate post for A Practical Wedding about how feminism made our wedding awesome. And it was a really awesome experience for me, regardless of whether or not it actually makes it on the website. Maybe I'll post it here sometime. 

7. I had spring break wherein I read the entire Hunger Games series and The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. If you are Facebook friends with me, you know that because I could NOT shut up about it.

8. I've begun to entertain the idea of getting my PhD in Gender studies so I could teach and maybe actually get a job. 

9. I bought myself Margaret Cho tickets for a graduation present for June. And I'm pumped.

10. We celebrated Ben's 24th birthday! (March 23)

Plus some other stuff. Needless to say, I could have written a lot on any of those things. but I didn't. So here I am saying that I'll keep trying. Hopefully the next blog will be something about how I've gotten a kick ass job. or something along those lines. but until then...I'll just keep tryin'.

Oh Hey There 2012...

It's a new year and as much as I loved this...

I was really ready for the year to be over.

The last few months were a bear and really challenged me both intellectually and emotionally. I like a challenge just as much as the next person but I was pretty close to a limit.

Christmas was rough because sometimes family is just unrelenting but overall this break has been wonderful.

Plus I got a really great sweatshirt which I've been pretty much living in:

Ben was off for awhile - he's back at school now which is sad but it was great while it lasted...

Josh is home - well, not right now...but in general...

Court is having babies - yes. 2. two. TWO. wow.

2011 was when Ben and I got married. I'm in my dream practicum right now, doing what I love doing, working with people that I love, I've found my perfect group of friends 

(many of whom will be leaving me in 2012...lesigh)

and

I'm prepared to move forward and become a real adult in the next few months 

(scary)

I don't believe in resolutions because I don't want to limit myself to bettering myself once a year.

 I believe in goals. 

and my goals are:

*Finish my sketchbook (which I have to send in SOON. eep.)

*Be healthier

*Work harder in school. I mean, really.

*Be a better partner

*Be a better friend

*Be a better daughter

*Be a good pen pal (that means you, Audrey)

*Do some stuff in the 'Lou that I haven't yet (Arch, I'm comin' atcha)

*Find a job

*Blog more

*Be introspective (and write about it)

*read more books that aren't assigned for class

*read more stuff that is assigned for class

...and you know, morestufflikethat

happy new year, everyone. be well. be happy. be nice.

Reality Check

So while watching a television program about the incarceration rates of black males and the cycles of incarceration and I had a reality check about my own privilege and wow, does that make you think.

This program discussed how 1 in 12 black men are incarcerated and with the family cycles that perpetuate the rates of incarceration (not to mention the rampant racism that is inherent in the prison industrial complex) that statistic is slated to reach a preposterous 1 in 3 black men with the next generations. There were interviews with a man who was being released from prison and his partner, as well as a man who had recently been released and was seeking employment and his step-father, along with the rest of his family. What struck me was how the partner of the man who was in prison stated that every man in her life had been or currently was incarcerated. Because of this, she was concerned about her own children's trajectories and was adamant about the cycle stopping with her children.

This led me to think about my own family structure. Every older male on my father's side, save for one uncle and my brother, has spent a night in prison at least, though many have served much longer prison sentences, including my father. Granted, I did not spend much time with my father's side of the family but I DID spend a lot of time with my father prior to his own incarceration. Watching that program, I couldn't help but wonder, what if I hadn't been white? What if my father and his family weren't white? It is nearly certain that I wouldn't be on the same path and in the same place I am currently.

Granted, I did not grow up in a neighborhood where violence and drug-use were the norm. My mother was a strong figure who very much influenced my path. My grandparents had a strong influence and my siblings, though not the brightest in the bunch all the time, were fairly law abiding. While my mother was a single mom raising two kids and I often subsided on Ramen noodles, I never felt impoverished, nor did I ever go to sleep hungry that I can recall. Clearly these are all factors that influence rates of imprisonment but yet, it still begs the question, why do these issues disproportionately affect African Americans? (Hint: the answer isn't that they simply commit more crimes.) On NPR, there was a statistic that stated that while 5x more white folks are abusing drugs, 13x more black men are serving time. That's serious.

So again, my whiteness. and how today, I'm feeling particularly thankful for how the cards have fallen. I have an awareness about a lot of things, like exactly how many prison doors one must go through to see their father, or what eating three meals out of a vending machine is like because that's the only food available in a prison visiting room. I also sometimes remember that this is my reality, even though it is in my past. It is my reality and not very many other people in my immediate world share that reality. Which is isolating. And frustrating. But I'm also grateful because I know that there are parts of the world, parts of my world, where my reality is the norm and that's sad. And it's all because of that cycle that I was never meant to be a part of...because I'm white. And I'm owning that tonight and being grateful for my blessings.

Guest Blog: AWESOME EDITION

So some of the readers of this blog may know that before I started my work in Diversity and Social Justice education, I worked predominantly in Sexual Assault Education. It was in Sexual Assault Education that I honed my skills as a facilitator because, as one may imagine, facilitating about sexual assault and rape at a Big Ten university where more than 1 in 5 undergrads* were part of the Greek system is not the easiest feat. 


While I no longer work in sexual assault, I am always drawn to critical pieces about sexual assault and rape culture and the efforts that are being made to address those issues. I am SO SO SO HAPPY to be able to share one of those pieces with you. You should count yourself lucky because this piece is about to get leaked to Feministing and Ms. blogs but you'll be able to say that you saw it here first before it was huge - and I know how you hipsters like to say shit like that.


About the author: JS is a fabulous woman who I not only worked with in Undergrad but also who I consider one of my greatest friends and mentors. She is sarcastic, funny, but also one of the most genuine and sincere women that I have ever met. She has one of the fiercest personalities and she uses it almost daily, which is why I love her so. 


*I should say that Greek Life doesn't inherently mean Sexual Assault and I'm in no way trying to taint Greek Life with Sexual Assault. However, there is certainly a fraternity culture that provides resistance to teaching about rape culture and sexual assault. Some of the most active male allies I've ever met are upstanding Greek men who have also encountered resistance from their frat brother. justsayin'.




So without further ado, JS and her Thoughts on SlutWalk:



As a sexual violence prevention educator, I find hope in the grassroots activism and passion that radiates from Slutwalk.  Anything that gets people talking, that breaks down the myths and reduces victim shaming is a step in the right direction. This activism is so badly needed in a society that still justifies violent victimization by what women are wearing or how they choose to spend their Friday nights.  The photos of women clad in sneakers, jeans and comfy t-shirts carrying signs that read “this is what I was wearing when I was raped” make my heart ache.  But after reading all of the discussion, I’m left wondering if there’s a place for me in Slutwalk.
Much has been written about Slutwalk, and the problematic nature of the word “slut.”  Many women of color, in particular, have made it clear that they don’t want to reclaim the word slut because of the way their sexuality has been constructed throughout America’s racist history.  As a woman in a wheelchair, I have a very different problem: the word slut has never been mine to reclaim.

While women all over the world are waiting for people to stop seeing them as sex objects, women with disabilities are still waiting to be seen at all.  We are less than a woman, somehow-- less than “slut”. Too often we are viewed as pitiable, pathetic, and devoid of desire.   We could never be “sluts.”  If we are “lucky enough” to have partners, they get congratulations and pats on the back from strangers when they “take us out” in public.  People applaud their generosity and selflessness for taking care of us, assuming they get nothing in return (certainly not sex or satisfying intimate connections).  People imagine we are loved “in spite of” our disabilities rather than for all the other things we are.  We struggle to find doctors who will monitor our pregnancies and help deliver our babies because it’s “dangerous” for us to be mothers.
   
But that doesn’t mean we’re any safer.  Women with disabilities face extremely high rates of sexual assault.  More than half of us will be raped and studies estimate that the figure is closer to 70 to 80 percent for women with developmental disabilities. We’re also more likely than women without disabilities to face multiple perpetrators.  Sometimes, these perpetrators even tell us we should be grateful, that they have done us a favor.  After all, no one else is going to want us.  Despite these astronomical rape figures we have almost no credibility in the criminal justice system.  No one could imagine why anybody would do that to “someone like us”.  They tell us that we can’t be trusted to tell our own stories of terror.  They speculate about our ability to even understand what has been done to us. 

This is why it’s absolutely crucial for women with disabilities to have a voice in SlutWalk.  While “reclaiming slut” isn’t for me, I think SlutWalk should be about more than that.  It’s about demanding that all women be allowed to embrace their sexuality, voice our outrage when someone violates us, and be heard loud and clear when we do it.    



Thanks, JS, for these powerful words that give me something to think about. 


Have I mentioned how lucky I am to have the people I have in my life?

odd mood

lots of people asked me today and the day before if I was okay. which I found to be odd. I mean, I'm not particularly NOT okay...i just feel....odd.

The way I described it was that my head and body felt all buzzy. I don't know how else to describe it. I imagine it's sort of what restless leg syndrome feels like only in your brain and your whole body.

I imagine that this has a heck of a lot to do with classes finishing up and me not quite being ready for that. But there's probably a little bit of that that has to do with wedding-ness and all of the stuff that goes along with that.

Sometimes I get all existential and think about my reality versus what I imagine other people imagine is my reality. You know...like I think about what people must think about my life versus how my life has played out. And I wonder if there is a disconnect. In some ways, with some people, I KNOW there is a disconnect. And I wish there were an easier way to bridge that gap. but sometimes that feels selfish.

Like today, I know I was in a weird mood from my conversation with ma last night. Again, not particularly bad but also not particularly good. And people continue to ask if I'm okay. which leads to a couple of things for me.
1. If this is what I'm like in a weird mood and people notice...what am I like in an un-weird mood that people identify with more? In other words, what makes me seem normal?
and 2. How and am I able to truly convey the meaning of the oddness without seeming like I'm digging for something in particular? Can I say that it's because of this seemingly random happenstance of my family discussing my father/my mother's life story without me there and I'm still struggling with it? (I know I CAN say that...) but can I say it in a way that doesn't sound purposefully vague or like I'm fishing for questions? Because that's what it sounds like to me..and I don't want to sound like that. I'm also not opposed to answering questions. It's a strange predicament.

but yeah. so that's the strange mood I'm in. compounded with school work, it seems stressful. And yet, I blog. Oh life.

Revelations (or How Crying In Class Makes Me Think)

So I had a breakdown. In a class. Of eight people.

And then I continued to cry throughout the day and even some this morning. All because we were talking about prisons.

I'm not the type to get upset easily about this sort of stuff. I've dealt with a lot of my past through exposure (talking about it) and therapy (expensive talking about it). At school, I generally try to be a chill person because the environment at school is already to high strung for my liking. People get way too...(*&(*^)(*&! about stuff. I'm not saying that passion isn't great..but constructive passion is better than explosive passion (in my opinion).

So anyway...the fact that I got SO frustrated/upset/I don't even know about some comments made about prisons (which, by the way, is not my "thing" precisely because I know it's too close) makes me feel embarrassed. I would have rather I had done anything BUT cry. But that's what I do, I suppose.

So what I consequently thought about after the fact were a few things:
1. I'm angry that I got upset about that and that I get upset about what people think/say but I'm MORE upset over the fact that I have a reason to know that what they are saying is wrong. I'm angry that this is part of my personal history. And I'm sort of angry I don't get to just don't talk about it that much. [maybe]...

2. Perhaps I'm more stressed about Dad coming subconsciously than I think. And maybe that's only a part of it. maybe it's also that I'm angry that I have to be worried about Dad coming to my wedding. Because people think he hasn't changed (which is what [I felt] the chunk of that discussion in class was saying: criminals can't change and prisons are shit [which they are a little bit]) so that could have been the nerve hit.

3. and finally, I have some really fabulous people in my life. I mean, seriously. There are a lot of people who care about me and not everyone can say that. I have a wonderful partner who knows that when I cry, it's not the end of the world. I have a mother who will talk to me for an entire car ride home about the same stuff we've been talking about for the past 15 years. I have glorious friends who know exactly what to say when I need them to say it. and I have teacher and mentors who care about me every step of the way - even when I'm out of their immediate surroundings or when I've just recently entered them. That's pretty awesome, if I do say so.

But even after these thoughts and even thinking about that class now...I get teary eyed. and it just reminds me that I have anger and I have frustration. and it needs to go somewhere. and I SHOULDN'T be embarrassed. and this is part of ME and who I am.  and I should deal with it. somehow.

so here I sit, thinking about this and many other things (international women's day, gender neutral bathrooms, class, spring break, etc.) and i am simultaneously feeling grateful and sad. and that's odd. but I'm sitting with it and handling it. and I'm proud of that.

Great news!

I found out last night that cousin Marv can do our engagement photos! Huzzah! That's what I really care about a lot (not that I don't care about the wedding pictures...) so that's VERY exciting. It really made my night last night when I found that out.

It's also Good Friday, so we're going home this evening and tomorrow is going to be an insane day...hopefully. I'm going to be dyeing Easter eggs, having a potential walk-through of the house again, and making it to SIUE to make some copies for a friend. Not to mention all of the preparing that we'll probably have to do for Sunday. None of this is wedding stuff, though I'm sure at some point - it will creep in there. It tends to do that.

I'm also Ally of the month this month. Which is pretty exciting and it's an honor I'm really proud of. It's also Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Ben's super involved being the president of Men Against Sexual Violence. I'm pretty lucky to have found a guy who's a feminist and will openly call himself a feminist and will speak at rallies and such. Which is also what makes this feminist wedding thing infinitely better. I know that I'm not just doing this stuff and he couldn't care less either way...he wants it to happen, too.

Well, anyway - just wanted to give that brief update on the state of pictures. If anyone has suggestions for photographers (that aren't pricey) or knows how to use a good camera and has a bit of artistic inclination...let me know.

hugs,
Kaytlin

what my life has become...

...is a giant mess. It's a sort of organized mess, though. It's been this way for about a month and a half now.
First of all, let me start out by saying that I didn't get the Fulbright. That being said, I'm not torn up about it. Yeah, it sucks that I don't get to go to Vienna but actually I think I would have done a lot of floundering there. There are a lot of things that I would have missed terribly back here and plus, this just means that I can start school even sooner and get out into the real world even sooner. So that's update number one.

 For the rest of my life, these are probably things that I should have been updating all along but it just makes me rage so I couldn't find the time or energy to do such things:

It all started about a month and a half ago with a single phone call that said this whole ordeal was going to last a week (bahahah!) There was a resolution in the Student Senate that attacked the director of OIIR (the office I work for on campus) calling out her and some other administrators for acting unethical when dealing with the RSO Students for Chief. They were placing this argument in a discourse of first amendment rights and freedom of speech (which was BS). I decided to speak out about it in a couple of student senate meeting. Unfortunately my opinion was the dissenting opinion of the time and was not the most popular (though I am wont to think it was the right opinion) and therefore, because people in power and in the know didn't like what I was saying, they decided to use some silencing tactics on me.

The following week I was subject to the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) which meant that someone wanted to see what I was sending in my emails and texts. Luckily because I'm a student (though also a worker), I was protected by FERPA (which is an acronym for some sort of confidentiality of school stuffs which I don't remember). The fact is, though, that this was an attack on my integrity and ethics as well as, like I previously said, a sly way of silencing me without blatantly abridging my own first amendment rights - the very rights "they" claim to want to be protecting. Whose student rights do they care about - those who agree with them only?

Also, along with all of this, I have personally been attacked as having been working for OIIR and people assuming that I've been sent to these meetings on behalf of administrators. Which is not at all true. It's amazing how I can't have my own opinion, and when I voice an opinion (though it's probably not mine, according to some) I get attacked. Crazy logic.

Then the Student Senate put another resolution on the table called the Unity Resolution that called for a committee to try to find another symbol, mascot, or emblem (choose whichever word suits you) in order to  mend the rift that has plagued our school. Of course, those who want to preserve and bring back the Chief are up in arms about that as well. So of course, I decide that those tactics of silencing are certainly NOT going to work and I write an editorial to the Daily Illini, our school newspaper. There I'm also attacked and told that I don't know what "pain" is. you can check out the DI editorial here.

Anyway...this is the sort of thing I've been dealing with that have negatively made me rage and be angry. On the up-side...I'm Ally of the Month for April which is a pretty big honor for me. Plus, I've got a lot of support from people around me throughout this whole thing. And I got into Wash U's program (I don't even know if I've mentioned that yet) which is SUPER EXCITING.

Well for now that's the update. I'm hoping to go into more detail on some of the FOIA stuff for sort of posterity reasons but also because I think it's good information to have as a resource.
But i'm sleepy now...so I'm signing off.
love,
me

Because I don't want to get too ahead of myself

I've been holding back on updating too much. I mean, it might turn out that my life in the next year isn't very exciting at all and I've started this blog in vain.
I'm realizing more and more everyday that my insights that may seem like little nuggets of wonderfulness are only such to me. I learn life lessons everyday - but sometimes I think those life lessons are only applicable to myself. For instance, today I was sitting on the couch reading some articles for such and such a class and I looked into the kitchen where Ben was doing something at the sink. I just smiled to myself because I realized that, though sometimes the days get really long, I really do love him. Sappy, yes? but oh so true.
Also, I have morsels of conversation that will forever stay with me, but they aren't recreate-able. Like the conversation I had with one of my supervisors the other day: we were discussing ways to relinquish unearned privilege (i.e. white privilege, heterosexual privilege, etc.). I didn't understand how this was even possible but he really made me go deeper that I had been willing to do. I really REALLY appreciated it and now I have a different way of approaching my everyday interactions.
But in actuality, the real reason I'm updating are not for these moments of awe, but because last weekend (a week ago yesterday) I received an email that my Fulbright proposal was recommended to the next level. That's pretty serious.
Again, I don't want to get ahead of myself (as the title states) but it's pretty exciting, and certainly documentable news. That means out of all the proposals from all over the United States that were proposed for Austria, mine was 1 of probably 35 or 40. That's pretty good in itself.
I should know (hopefully, fingers crossed) around the beginning of March whether I'll be going or not. Until then, I'm going to be pretty busy. Hopefully sometime next week, I'll be able to update you on the grad school front. I'm supposed to find out from Wash U the week of the 15th.
Until then!
kaytlin ({})

I'm BAAAAAAACK.....

and enjoying my final few days before the hectic-ness that is the last semester of undergraduate college! What!? I know...it seems like just yesterday I was hugging away at my teddybear wishing I could come home because I missed it so much. Now I'm kinda antsy to get back into the swing of things. My, how life changes in four short years.

I was in NC for a week. It's always nice to see everyone, but it can be draining, too. It's hard to explain to people that I only come for a week because a week is about as much as I can handle. It's not the most booming of towns, really I could go for two days and get everything that we usually do in a week done. Dad is doing well, though, which is good. and the whole family is functioning, however dysfunctionally.

But like I said, I was glad to get home and now I'm kinda ready to be back at school. Mostly because I'm have a few new things on the table like a new job and independent study, plus new classes and a class with Anna Banana :-D. It will also make time go by faster so I can find out about the Fulbright and admissions to Wash U. Those are the biggest things weighing now. As long as one of those two things comes through for me, I'll be a happy little duck.

I've worked on a couple of paintings today. I think at some point I want to go take pictures, though I'm not sure where or of what. Maybe I'll think on that tomorrow whilst I memorize my monologue.

Well, that's about it. My life isn't too exciting yet, and I bet it won't be for a little while at least, though I'll keep this updated.

loves,
me

Ahh, the Hoffman clan...

...is so welcoming and wonderful. These last few days have been super. So much laughter and Chicago and laughter and loveliness.

Tomorrow we are going to the Art Institute and the Bean so it should prove to be a good time. Lucy (their french bulldog) loves me. Anna's house is beautiful. Just overall this has been wonderful. I love this family. This may become my second home (if the Hoffman's allow, of course).

Anyway, going to go now. I head out for NC on Wednesday. hmmm...
loves
kayt

A new year..

...and a new blog for me.

I've decided/know that this year is going to be a year with a lot of changes. It's going to be a transition year because both Ben and I are graduating from undergrad in May. Ben will be off to dental school somewhere and my future still lies in the hands of the Fulbright committee and various other institutions to decide where (if anywhere) I will be next year.

It's going to prove to be an interesting last semester, too. I'm starting a couple of brand new jobs/independent studies, I'll be working on my senior thesis, and hopefully performing in the Vagina Monologues again *fingers crossed.*

If all goes well, by the end of this year, I'll be writing this blog from Austria. Although, if not, that's not all bad either.

Tomorrow is our annual New Year's bash at the apartment followed by some time with my bestie, Anna, and a week in NC with my dad. We start our last semester of undergrad in 18 days.

What a year this will prove to be, I hope you join me in my journey :)

Auf wiedersehen,
*kayt