A little break from weddings...

We've taken a little hiatus from wedding planning period. I haven't even looked at wedding stuff in a while - though we did get all of our invitations and thank you notes purchased, thank you very much.

No, this blog is about the wonderful evening I just spent with Jessica Valenti (from the blog Feministing) and Jaclyn Friedman, the co-editors of Yes Means Yes, a kickass anthology of pro-sex, anti-rape work. Now, not only are these women awesome and inspiring but they were really funny and gave me some things to think about.

First of all, I should start out by saying that not much in the presentation/discussion was something I hadn't already heard/seen/read somewhere before. That being said, it was presented excellently. It also makes me wonder, as someone who is an anti-rape activist/advocate (can you tell I'm loving the backslash this evening?) what I have to contribute to the body of work that is out there. Is there something I can contribute or will I simply be a broken record of things that have already been said? I think there are things I can contribute for sure, but what form will that come in? I always joke that I want to infiltrate the school systems with feminist thought and comprehensive sex ed (which they both talk about a lot and made my heart smile), but is that enough. What if I want to reach more people? Will I have something unique to say? Does that even matter? What about the work I'm doing here (work being a slightly dramatic word for blogging)? Does that count? My ideas aren't really new - but they might be to someone, right? Ugh, the questions.

It also is simultaneously frustrating and awe-inspiring to be surrounded by "forward thinkers" - those that challenge the rape culture because I want to have ideas, but damnit, they are already taken. haha..I'm just kidding, kind of...but it does make me wonder where my voice is.

Secondly...and this may answer a lot of my questions that I just posed to myself but then again, I could again be repeating something that is already going on somewhere else...Jaclyn said something tonight that made me think about anti-rape organizations and the work they do and how, in order to really begin the shift of rethinking masculinity as a culture and to begin dismantling something we've had in place for so long, we need a "critical mass" of people to join the cause.

which leads me to my next train of thought - THAT SHOULD BE A ORGANIZATION'S NAME!..it makes perfect sense. I want to start a group (perhaps at Wash U when I go there, instead of trying to do something here in 2 weeks) called Critical Mass. the mission would be to inform and educate as many people as possible to help the culture reach a critical mass of people working again sexual violence. I think it's catchy. and we would have shirts - possibly hoodies (that's why people join groups anyway).

Tonight also made me reflect on some of the work I've been fortunate enough to do surrounding sexual violence, but it also made me reflect on the work I haven't done, or have fallen out of. It's weird to think that I got where I am now, doing the work I do because of sexual violence prevention education. It was my in to all things social justice. Now, I do very little work that directly impacts sexual assault. Which makes me sad, in a way. Sure, I'm doing a lot of social justice things, being an ally and all which helps the overall culture of oppression which feeds into rape culture BUT what am I doing to actively address this specific issue of violence that got me started in the first place? Why have I become disconnected? MORE QUESTIONS..

Anyway, it was a wonderful evening with a wonderful chat full of disturbing images and examples of the culture I live in. Personally, I think things like Purity Balls and Abstinence contracts should be outlawed - Purity Balls reek of pedophilia to me. I am disturbed by our society's simultaneous infatuation and fear of sex. Being that wishy-washy about something can't be healthy. As well as the fact that the information that our society presents in biased by gender.

Which is why I like the idea of a feminist wedding and raising feminist children (of which there were 2 before the presentation tonight, you can follow the dad that brought them there on twitter at rebeldad) - we can start with these things that are taken for granted in society : patriarchal weddings, gendering our children, and make a difference to someone, somewhere.

I often wonder if I will ever make a difference in someone's life like my mentors have done for me. I can only hope...but who says you can't start with your own kids, right?

Anyway, those are my thoughts on the rape culture, feminism, and gendering for now. I need to go read some crossdressing memoirs now...
hugs,
kaytlin

Conversing

I've been lucky enough to have a lot of support and interest from people in my life about this whole wedding thing. Yesterday I had the great pleasure of discussing feminist weddings with a friend of mine from my senior seminar. She, too, is a betrothed feminist (I would say engaged feminist, but that can have other meanings, too). It was really interesting talking to her because we both have very different approaches to our weddings but overall, our ideas of marriage are similar.

We were discussing some of the questions people have asked us (and she has had a lot more questions than I have). It's amazing what people come up with. It's astonishing how many people are happy that we're getting married, but when we question the traditions of marriage - people question why we're getting married. It's sort of ironic. Something is strange about people happy for you to do something but only in a certain way. Why can't we do this how we want to, DAMNIT!

Anyway. we on a little hiatus of wedding planning seeing as we're in the closing weeks of the semester. It's a little hectic right now between activism and finals and papers and madness. I'm really looking forward to the end. Although, I'm feeling bits and pieces of that detachment from the people here. *deep sigh*

Alas, we are still working on our place to stay - i.e. signing the lease, figuring the logistics of moving in, etc. Also slightly stressful.

I'm going to stop complaining now. It's been a really awesome day - and I have to keep reminding myself to take these things one day at a time. As much as I'm looking forward to the end, I gotta remember to appreciate them. Cheesy, right? .....yeah. eh.

that's it for now. stay tuned.

Great news!

I found out last night that cousin Marv can do our engagement photos! Huzzah! That's what I really care about a lot (not that I don't care about the wedding pictures...) so that's VERY exciting. It really made my night last night when I found that out.

It's also Good Friday, so we're going home this evening and tomorrow is going to be an insane day...hopefully. I'm going to be dyeing Easter eggs, having a potential walk-through of the house again, and making it to SIUE to make some copies for a friend. Not to mention all of the preparing that we'll probably have to do for Sunday. None of this is wedding stuff, though I'm sure at some point - it will creep in there. It tends to do that.

I'm also Ally of the month this month. Which is pretty exciting and it's an honor I'm really proud of. It's also Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Ben's super involved being the president of Men Against Sexual Violence. I'm pretty lucky to have found a guy who's a feminist and will openly call himself a feminist and will speak at rallies and such. Which is also what makes this feminist wedding thing infinitely better. I know that I'm not just doing this stuff and he couldn't care less either way...he wants it to happen, too.

Well, anyway - just wanted to give that brief update on the state of pictures. If anyone has suggestions for photographers (that aren't pricey) or knows how to use a good camera and has a bit of artistic inclination...let me know.

hugs,
Kaytlin

Am I doing this right?

So we're still trucking along...it was sorta strange being back at school because people are still congratulating us (which is nice, no doubt) but it's been like a week and a half now...and I'm not used to all that. Plus, I have to get my head back in the game - the game of school that is.

That is also difficult when I've been inundated with potentially buying a house *gasp* and also receiving my financial aid package from Wash U...which is very exciting but also kind of overwhelming. I don't know what these things mean for my future. It's all very confusing with a lot of steps that I haven't thought about before - obviously because we've never done this before.

Also, I got a little frustrated perturbed upset when I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do for pictures for this whole shebang (where did that word come from?). I wanted cousin Marv to do them but as it turns out he doesn't do weddings anymore...and I don't think know we can't afford his cohorts' prices so now we have to turn to someone else. Let me just say, as I've mentioned previously, pictures may be one of the only things that I will insist must be done right. Everything else (at this point) can be or do whatever..the photographs are important to me...is that a Bride-zilla moment? How un-feminist is that?

This whole feminist wedding thing has been uber-conscious lately, too. Especially given that I'm in a lot (read: all) gender studies classes. It's kind of weird in some classes to go in there and talk about gender justice or the queer community, or radicalism and then be engaged.  I mean, I like being engaged...love being engaged. I love Ben...however...in some ways I feel like a poser or something. I don't know - it's hard to negotiate and it's also hard to explain what I'm doing to alleviate the marriage traditions and oppression. Mostly because the things we're doing seem so small in comparison to the world of hurt that is out there. I mean, I know that no one expects us to uproot the whole institution...but I feel like I'm constantly on the search to be doing more. And when there are things that I do want to do (i.e. have a bouquet) and I don't really know the symbolism behind those things (though I think bouquets have something to do with minimal showering in the middle ages or something) - I don't know what I'm perpetuating. I don't want to be frowned upon and I just want to be able to revel in happiness...but it's a lot of pressure. I want to be really excited but I'm also not really like that. I'm not a giddy person. I don't generally like giddy people. I don't know how to react. Blargh: That's how I'm going react to everything.

To leave this note on a happy one: I asked Anna yesterday. And while she can't really talk because she's lost her voice..I'm pretty sure she was excited. That's my side of the wedding party down. Ben, I'm pretty sure, is 0 for 2...though I'm sure his side knows who they are. I guess we still have 2 years but hey - you can't ever have enough time (or can you?)

Day 5

I promise that this will eventually wear off. BUT...

Tonight I asked Courtney to be in my wedding. That's one attendant on my side...one more to go.

I'm also discovering that explaining a feminist wedding is like explaining that I do work that deals with sexual violence to someone. You get lots of whys and how comes or silences. Which is not to say that it is disapproving, but it's not the most comforting  and it's interesting . Mostly because we are doing it because it's something that we want for us...not necessarily to make a huge political statement, but kinda. I don't know. Ben and I aren't really all that political but when it comes to the type of work that we do, we can't be apolitical.

A lot of the stuff we're doing isn't necessarily feminist as much as anti-wedding establishment. For instance, attempting not to buy into the industry too much. That is to say that I won't be dropping a ton of money on my wedding dress. We're going to cap it at 200 bucks, I think. And I'm hoping not to even approach that. We're also looking at ways to do a bunch of stuff at home. Ben wants to grow our flowers so as not to support the cut flower industry (which is awful for the environment)...I don't know how feasible that is. But hey, we can make the effort, right? We decided on our party favors, too. That will save us some good money there.

Also, we've thought of this predicament of having vegetarian friends in what may be one of the most vegetarian-hostile places around. None of the caterers that I've looked at thus far have any sort of vegetarian entree. Ugh. We'll have to get that all figured out, too. It's hard being a earth/people conscious person.

It's all going to work out. We're lucky that we have such creative people working with us. I wanna have some fun, artsy, trendy things come out of this fiasco.

On a brighter note, we get to go look at a house tomorrow. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this place works for us. It would be fabulous to know where we're going to be in a few months.

Anyway..that's it for now. Those are the only revelations that I've had the past couple of days - we'll see how the rest of it goes.

3 days in

So we're 3 days into this engagement thing and we've got some stuff planned out. We currently have 28 months - MONTHS - til W-Day. that's a considerable chunk of time. Hopefully we'll be able to save up some moolah in that time so that we can at least do some of the stuff that we want, i.e. not get hitched at the courthouse.

We're planning the wedding tentatively for July 28, 2012. No particular significance other than the fact that Ben will hopefully have some time off of school and *fingers crossed* I'll be in a school getting my summers off. This is what we're hoping for anyway. I've been on hyper mode since Sunday - which I think is fair enough. I mean, this is exciting stuff and I've never been one to dream weddings, therefore I do not have this sort of stuff planned out already nor do I have any idea what this should look like. Also, I wouldn't want to have done that because this isn't just about me or what I want - it's really about the two of us. Really the only reason this feminist couple is getting "married" in this ceremony setting is so that our families can be there and we can have a big party afterward. I mean, who doesn't like to party? (also, I really want the photographs..I love engagement and wedding pictures).

Ben's been really great about the whole thing. I don't know that he was really expecting this sort of frenzy but we've been communicating a whole lot about what we want this to look like, what we agree with, what we want changed from the traditions, etc. Unfortunately, because most of the planning will probably happen while he's busy being all dentist-y...there may not be a whole lot of time for this scrutinizing later.

We're also looking at a house soon in Alton, pretty much right next to the Dental School. It's exciting to be moving again...but also overwhelming. It's weird to think that we won't be living on a campus soon. I'll be commuting to school. We'll be living in a legit house somewhere. Weird.

Well, that's it for now. Today was Ben's birthday so all the festivities and celebrations of this week are adding up and I'm getting much tired much earlier. Plus, we walked around the St. Louis Zoo all day today with little kids. That can take it out of even the most energetic.
hugs,
Kaytlin

The mess has turned..

Into something extraordinary.

Last night - on our 5 year anniversary - the love of my life proposed to me. I'm now engaged, which is weird to say. But it's also wonderful. and strange. It's like this weird feeling of absolutely loving it and not quite knowing what to do with it.

Here's what I mean:
I do social justice work. I see inequity in a lot of places in life with the people I work with daily. Some of my closest friends may not get to marry if that's what they want to do because of who their chosen partner is. I can get married because of circumstances like my partner just so happens to be of the appropriate gender for my gender..whatever that means.
I don't like where the idea of "weddings" comes from. It's a "woman as property" mentality. The father gives away the bride. The groom puts a ring of possession on the bride's finger. She's veils her face for modesty. It all screams patriarchy and subservience to me. Not what I want to perpetuate.
That being said:
I have the ability to get married, to have the benefits of marriage (of which there are many). No movement needs martyrs. By my not getting married, it doesn't mean that some non-normative couple somewhere can get married. I'm not taking marriage away from any one - but does it mean that I'm supporting an institution that discriminates? Does it matter?
The ring is beautiful. I'm not going to lie, I really like it. Ben didn't ask my dad. I might have my dad and brother walk me down the aisle. Not to give me away but so I don't fall. Okay, maybe not, but seriously...only because it's an honor that most fathers want..and I feel that my brother deserves. What honor is that? I'm not sure. At this point, the giving away has lost its literal meaning but I suppose there are still connotations of that. Ben and I also have a relationship that defies patriarchy in a lot of way. We are equal partners in our relationship. We share housework. He may one day make more than me, but because he will "deserve" to - because he will be a dentist. I make more than he does now.
It's tricky, this engagement thing. Especially because we will have a long engagement. Plenty of time to think about these issues with the institution that I have. But I'm excited. I'm happy to call him my fiance. It fits us well.
I'll deal with these issues, I'm sure. It's only been a day. Wish me luck
love and kisses,
Kayt