I had to take a little hiatus. it was quite unplanned but also quite necessary.
a lot of things have been happening in that past couple of months. Namely, it's the year we're getting married, which adds a lot more urgency to all things wedding - which is really not my jam. but we've been managing to cope. we have a few of the much larger things out of the way which is what's really important - people will be able to eat and there will be pictures. I mean, that's pretty much all there is to it, right?
Outside of that, my life has become consumed with school and practicum. which explains most of my absence. It's not that i've been absent from the interwebs, it's just that most of my time/energy is spent either a) researching random shit or b) on facebook because it doesn't require as much of a commitment as you do, blahg.
Other than that, I can't complain too much. I've met some great (GREAT) new people, Ben and I have been together for almost 6 years (in less than a month - woah), and it's getting closer and closer to when Joshua gets back from China (I'm anxious to start a countdown)...
Also, I've been contemplating the use of this blog. Since my life has become rather mundane and drama-free (not that I'm complaining) I feel like I could use this for more academic-y stuff...but then I wonder if I have it in me. I also admire more crafty, trendy blogs like my friend Jillian's but that's not me (at all)...so i may try experimenting with more academic/critical blogs here soon. We'll see what happens. I wish I had more to tell you about my life...but alas, I'm no good at telling personal anecdotes on line.
We'll see what happens with that but for now I just wanted to acknowledge that you still exist as part of my reality. Also, if you haven't checked it out yet..which you probably haven't - you should look up bloglovin' (i linked it in the post right before this one) and find other interesting blogs (more interesting than mine - they usually fall into that crafty/trendy genre). Be inspired.
Also, have a good week.
hugs,
kaytlin
2.27.2011
2.25.2011
bloglovin' ~
Just a quick note to say:
Follow my blog with bloglovin
this *hopefully* means I'll be posting more often - (when I find the time as opposed to not posting at all ever)
Follow my blog with bloglovin
this *hopefully* means I'll be posting more often - (when I find the time as opposed to not posting at all ever)
12.26.2010
Twas the Day After Christmas
and all through the house..people were sad and disheveled because they drank too much on Christmas.
This is the Hundsdorfer way. Yesterday morning began with early rising in the Baytlin Abode, grabbing presents and Bailey's, driving to Ma's house, making coffee (spiked with said Bailey's..and yes, it was 8:30 in the morning), baked homemade cinnamon rolls, opened presents, and had a raucous good time.
Before Ben and I left to go to his grandfather's for a small lunchtime meal (the first of two..ugh), Donald and Ella were playing around in the basement. Now keep in mind that Santa brought them each lots of great gifts. Were they playing with any of these gifts?! No. They were playing with a plastic Wal-Mart bag. Not even a bag that the gifts came in - a Wal-Mart bag that they found who knows where. And they played with this bag for half an hour. It was amazing and confirmed my belief that children don't need toys..they need packaging. I just sat there in awe, watching them play with this plastic bag. Amazing.
We went to Ben's fam's and it was peaceful and nice. Then we came back to my house where madness yet again ensued. This was the first year that we held family Christmas at my mom's house and it was a lot of fun. I know Ma was stressed out but she was remarkable (as usual). We played games (I won Farkle, justsayin') , drank gratuitous amounts of alcohol, and were often politically incorrect.
Anyway, the point is that this Christmas was grand. The thing about our family that I love is that we don't have to have extravagant things (though the camera I got is pretty cool) but that we all love each other and we like giving more than getting. We also have traditions that aren't traditional (i.e. spiking Grandma's coffee with Bailey's) which make Christmas with my family particularly awesome. And as I get older, I've been able to appreciate it even more, especially since we are getting ready to start our own family - I know that I have a great model of a family and I see care and love in every person who I spend the holidays with.
Anyway, I hope your holidays were great, no matter what you celebrate. I also hope this new year brings wonderful thing. I'm still contemplating new year's resolutions so I'll keep you updated on those things...also, in the new year I'll be able to say that I'm getting married thisyear. Weird. :)
hugs,
kaytlin
This is the Hundsdorfer way. Yesterday morning began with early rising in the Baytlin Abode, grabbing presents and Bailey's, driving to Ma's house, making coffee (spiked with said Bailey's..and yes, it was 8:30 in the morning), baked homemade cinnamon rolls, opened presents, and had a raucous good time.
Before Ben and I left to go to his grandfather's for a small lunchtime meal (the first of two..ugh), Donald and Ella were playing around in the basement. Now keep in mind that Santa brought them each lots of great gifts. Were they playing with any of these gifts?! No. They were playing with a plastic Wal-Mart bag. Not even a bag that the gifts came in - a Wal-Mart bag that they found who knows where. And they played with this bag for half an hour. It was amazing and confirmed my belief that children don't need toys..they need packaging. I just sat there in awe, watching them play with this plastic bag. Amazing.
We went to Ben's fam's and it was peaceful and nice. Then we came back to my house where madness yet again ensued. This was the first year that we held family Christmas at my mom's house and it was a lot of fun. I know Ma was stressed out but she was remarkable (as usual). We played games (I won Farkle, justsayin') , drank gratuitous amounts of alcohol, and were often politically incorrect.
Anyway, the point is that this Christmas was grand. The thing about our family that I love is that we don't have to have extravagant things (though the camera I got is pretty cool) but that we all love each other and we like giving more than getting. We also have traditions that aren't traditional (i.e. spiking Grandma's coffee with Bailey's) which make Christmas with my family particularly awesome. And as I get older, I've been able to appreciate it even more, especially since we are getting ready to start our own family - I know that I have a great model of a family and I see care and love in every person who I spend the holidays with.
Anyway, I hope your holidays were great, no matter what you celebrate. I also hope this new year brings wonderful thing. I'm still contemplating new year's resolutions so I'll keep you updated on those things...also, in the new year I'll be able to say that I'm getting married thisyear. Weird. :)
hugs,
kaytlin
12.09.2010
Wrapping Up...
...more than just presents.
As I type this, I've just finished my Life Assessment paper and have started thinking about my Advocacy packet. The Advocacy Packet is the last assignment I have in my first semester of grad school. Granted, I still have one more final but I'm not counting that for now. It's sorta surreal how much has changed in the past 5 months.
I went from being at my home away from home (urbana) with my family there to moving close enough back home to say I've moved back home. I'm going to grad school which basically means I'm pretending to be an adult. I've made lots of great new friends who I am REALLY thankful for. In so many ways. And I'm already a quarter of the way done with grad school. Like boom. semester two. real stuff. practicum. what?!
And I've been super busy with homework and Ben's been doing his thing, but we're still madly in love. which is good to be able to say after 5 and a half years. But even more important than that, we still make each other laugh - and not like giggly laughs (though there is that) but like guttural laughs that reverberate and make you cry. I love those laughs.
We're preparing to celebrate our 6th Christmas together. That sorta seems like a lifetime. But actually it's really short. and there will be so many more.
But anyway, it is strange and wonderful all at the same time and sometimes I just like to think of all those things I have to be grateful for or those things I should be in awe of everyday. Not just thanksgiving. So all of those things that were on my thanksgiving list, I'm still thankful for right now. and all other times.
and there are other things I'm thankful for, too, like:
seedless cuties
microsoft word reference maker
Summer and Winter TOMS
apple cinnamon candles
gummi things
music
netflix
google
coupons
spinny rings
humor
sarcasm
cameras
hoodies/sweatpants
microfiber blankets
and lots of other stuff. TONS of other stuff.
anyway, here's to the end of a semester and the beginning of break! *clink*
love, kayt
As I type this, I've just finished my Life Assessment paper and have started thinking about my Advocacy packet. The Advocacy Packet is the last assignment I have in my first semester of grad school. Granted, I still have one more final but I'm not counting that for now. It's sorta surreal how much has changed in the past 5 months.
I went from being at my home away from home (urbana) with my family there to moving close enough back home to say I've moved back home. I'm going to grad school which basically means I'm pretending to be an adult. I've made lots of great new friends who I am REALLY thankful for. In so many ways. And I'm already a quarter of the way done with grad school. Like boom. semester two. real stuff. practicum. what?!
And I've been super busy with homework and Ben's been doing his thing, but we're still madly in love. which is good to be able to say after 5 and a half years. But even more important than that, we still make each other laugh - and not like giggly laughs (though there is that) but like guttural laughs that reverberate and make you cry. I love those laughs.
We're preparing to celebrate our 6th Christmas together. That sorta seems like a lifetime. But actually it's really short. and there will be so many more.
But anyway, it is strange and wonderful all at the same time and sometimes I just like to think of all those things I have to be grateful for or those things I should be in awe of everyday. Not just thanksgiving. So all of those things that were on my thanksgiving list, I'm still thankful for right now. and all other times.
and there are other things I'm thankful for, too, like:
seedless cuties
microsoft word reference maker
Summer and Winter TOMS
apple cinnamon candles
gummi things
music
netflix
coupons
spinny rings
humor
sarcasm
cameras
hoodies/sweatpants
microfiber blankets
and lots of other stuff. TONS of other stuff.
anyway, here's to the end of a semester and the beginning of break! *clink*
love, kayt
11.21.2010
I'm feeling particularly grateful...
...which may be a little about the time of year (Thanksgiving and all) but also a little bit about my procrastinating on school work.
And often I think about all I have to be grateful for and it's amazing. I have so many wonderful things going on in my life right now and I'm extremely humbled by what I have. There is this facebook thing goin' around about the 20 people you are grateful for. I like it, but I don't necessarily wanna do it there. So I thought I would do something similar here. That being said, I'm going to list just a few of the people/things that I am grateful for in no particular order.
1. Benjamin. because you get me. and because I get you. and we still love each other. which is amazing.
2. Mama. because you are my rock always. and you listen to me scream with tears running down my face and can still remember to tell me to breathe.
3. DC. because I always remember the one night and the many night since that I have felt protected and loved by you.
4. Gma and Gpa. because you have been supportive even when I know it was hard to be supportive. and I'm pretty grateful I have a relationship with you.
5. Anna. because you listen without judgment and you get it. even when you don't get it, you get it. because our relatively short relationship doesn't seem so short at all.
6. Josh. because sometimes you need a crazy story to tell. and a best friend to do crazy things with.
7. Courtney. because you care so much and love so vehemently.
8. Jimmy. because sometimes you need the person you've been friends with for lots of years.
9. School. because I'm so lucky to have the opportunity to continue challenging myself and learning.
10. Ross. because sometimes guidance and role modeling should include Arrested Development quotes and snarky sarcasm.
11. Brown School friends. because sometimes we can't have filters but we still need people to understand that we can't always have filters.
12. Donald and Ella. because sometimes I need a reason to color in coloring books and read children's stories and live the childhood I didn't really have.
13. Laughter. because sometimes a workout should include abs that hurt from laughing and cheeks that hurt from smiling.
14. Health. because I have safe water and access to health care, which many people can not say.
15. Art. because art in any form provides outlets for emotion and provides aesthetically pleasing stimuli which make me happy.
16. Rex. because you make Mama happy and you do for me as though I were your own.
17. Megan P. because you have encouraged me to be the best ally I can be.
18. freedom. because my well-being relies on being able to challenge and question and go against the status-quo.
19. Sue Asher. because you have been an unexpected source of TONS of support for several years.
20. My UofI family. because even though I'm not there and I miss you all like no other, I know that there is still a support system in place if I need to call upon it.
Clearly I'm thankful for much more than this. And perhaps I will expand upon this list because I'm also thankful for a lot of arbitrary things like Nerd candy, the internet, rice, books, and coffee(shops) but not for any deeper of a reason than they give me sensory pleasure somehow. I clearly also missed a lot of people who are very important to me. But it feels like a good time to express some of this, at least, it's as good a time as any.
now back to this midterm that nags at me.
peace.
And often I think about all I have to be grateful for and it's amazing. I have so many wonderful things going on in my life right now and I'm extremely humbled by what I have. There is this facebook thing goin' around about the 20 people you are grateful for. I like it, but I don't necessarily wanna do it there. So I thought I would do something similar here. That being said, I'm going to list just a few of the people/things that I am grateful for in no particular order.
1. Benjamin. because you get me. and because I get you. and we still love each other. which is amazing.
2. Mama. because you are my rock always. and you listen to me scream with tears running down my face and can still remember to tell me to breathe.
3. DC. because I always remember the one night and the many night since that I have felt protected and loved by you.
4. Gma and Gpa. because you have been supportive even when I know it was hard to be supportive. and I'm pretty grateful I have a relationship with you.
5. Anna. because you listen without judgment and you get it. even when you don't get it, you get it. because our relatively short relationship doesn't seem so short at all.
6. Josh. because sometimes you need a crazy story to tell. and a best friend to do crazy things with.
7. Courtney. because you care so much and love so vehemently.
8. Jimmy. because sometimes you need the person you've been friends with for lots of years.
9. School. because I'm so lucky to have the opportunity to continue challenging myself and learning.
10. Ross. because sometimes guidance and role modeling should include Arrested Development quotes and snarky sarcasm.
11. Brown School friends. because sometimes we can't have filters but we still need people to understand that we can't always have filters.
12. Donald and Ella. because sometimes I need a reason to color in coloring books and read children's stories and live the childhood I didn't really have.
13. Laughter. because sometimes a workout should include abs that hurt from laughing and cheeks that hurt from smiling.
14. Health. because I have safe water and access to health care, which many people can not say.
15. Art. because art in any form provides outlets for emotion and provides aesthetically pleasing stimuli which make me happy.
16. Rex. because you make Mama happy and you do for me as though I were your own.
17. Megan P. because you have encouraged me to be the best ally I can be.
18. freedom. because my well-being relies on being able to challenge and question and go against the status-quo.
19. Sue Asher. because you have been an unexpected source of TONS of support for several years.
20. My UofI family. because even though I'm not there and I miss you all like no other, I know that there is still a support system in place if I need to call upon it.
Clearly I'm thankful for much more than this. And perhaps I will expand upon this list because I'm also thankful for a lot of arbitrary things like Nerd candy, the internet, rice, books, and coffee(shops) but not for any deeper of a reason than they give me sensory pleasure somehow. I clearly also missed a lot of people who are very important to me. But it feels like a good time to express some of this, at least, it's as good a time as any.
now back to this midterm that nags at me.
peace.
11.17.2010
Here comes the...
...person who happens to be walking down the aisle.
Just kidding, but seriously..I'm not a bride. I don't feel like a bride. And I don't want to feel like a "bride." A bride is someone (or something) that is ornate. I am not an ornate person. I don't like feeling ornate. I like feeling comfortable. and simpy. but classy. yet casual. that's me. Do you know how many brides are like me? none. (that's a lie)
But when searching for wedding dresses, that's what it felt like. We (and by "we," I mean "I"..) tried on like 800 dresses which was really more like 15 dresses total, but it seemed like 800. And not one screamed "pick me because you'll feel comfortable and look classy while being simple and conveying the casualness of your wedding" or anything even remotely like that. As a matter of fact, most of them that I tried on said "well, maybe, but only if you want to feel stuffy or self-conscious or like a glutton because you just spent $300 on a dress you don't REALLY want." So anyway, Mom and I did the whole "Mom and daughter go dress shopping and have wonderful bonding moments over how beautiful the daughter is in the dresses and how wonderful her wedding day will be" except it was more like "Mom and daughter go dress shopping and have hilarious bonding moments over how awkward daughter looks in dresses and how ridiculous dress shop workers are and how hilarious the wedding will be because it is so unwedding like."
Good times.
But then, something just short of a miracle happened. We went to a well-known dress shop in my hometown. It was a last ditch effort and we had extremely low expectations. I didn't even try on a dress the first time I went in because we had been working in the attic all day and smelled like we had been working in the attic all day. We found a couple dresses that, I'll admit, on the hanger were not the most appealing but we decided we'd come back and see what we thought for real. And we did. And I found THE ONE. The One that is The One besides Ben. I tried on a dress and it felt like pajamas. And there was no beading or lacyness (though I had grown fond of lace, which is UBER strange). And it is chic. But super comfy. Basically it covered all four of my criteria (see first paragraph for criteria).
Now you may be saying, "Yes, Kaytlin, but surely this magical dress required your life savings and the promise of your first born child. Is it really worth it?"
Let me tell you, my friend, that it did not ask such things. As a matter of fact, it was LESS THAN HALF of what those poser dresses asked of me. Shh. this dress does NOT realize its worth.
So that's been a WONDERFUL thing to check off my list of wedding type things. Besides that I got this little thing we like to call a PRACTICUM in Brown School.
Actually this is a huge deal, if you didn't catch my poorly executed written sarcasm. It may be the biggest source of stress and subsequently the biggest sigh of relief that a first year student feels. It's at this lovely place called Stepping Stones to Success, Inc. They do workshops and programming around leadership, diversity and anti-bias, AND sex ed. It's like it's custom made for me. Plus it's a sweet deal that comes with laptop, printer, and desk. Huzzah.
As for the things I discussed in my last blog, well, most of the air has been cleared. Life has calmed down considerably.
I have this feeling, though, that I'm forgetting to inform you of something.
**edit: that thing was the fact that I'm the new co-chair of Outlook,the Brown school's LGBTQA group, which I'm super excited about, despite what my forgetting may convey**
alright. well, I'm gonna go because actually while I'm attempting to be witty writing here I should be spending this energy writing a midterm, or a life assessment paper, or my gender presentation.
g'nite my loves (all 3 of you, ha)
Just kidding, but seriously..I'm not a bride. I don't feel like a bride. And I don't want to feel like a "bride." A bride is someone (or something) that is ornate. I am not an ornate person. I don't like feeling ornate. I like feeling comfortable. and simpy. but classy. yet casual. that's me. Do you know how many brides are like me? none. (that's a lie)
But when searching for wedding dresses, that's what it felt like. We (and by "we," I mean "I"..) tried on like 800 dresses which was really more like 15 dresses total, but it seemed like 800. And not one screamed "pick me because you'll feel comfortable and look classy while being simple and conveying the casualness of your wedding" or anything even remotely like that. As a matter of fact, most of them that I tried on said "well, maybe, but only if you want to feel stuffy or self-conscious or like a glutton because you just spent $300 on a dress you don't REALLY want." So anyway, Mom and I did the whole "Mom and daughter go dress shopping and have wonderful bonding moments over how beautiful the daughter is in the dresses and how wonderful her wedding day will be" except it was more like "Mom and daughter go dress shopping and have hilarious bonding moments over how awkward daughter looks in dresses and how ridiculous dress shop workers are and how hilarious the wedding will be because it is so unwedding like."
Good times.
But then, something just short of a miracle happened. We went to a well-known dress shop in my hometown. It was a last ditch effort and we had extremely low expectations. I didn't even try on a dress the first time I went in because we had been working in the attic all day and smelled like we had been working in the attic all day. We found a couple dresses that, I'll admit, on the hanger were not the most appealing but we decided we'd come back and see what we thought for real. And we did. And I found THE ONE. The One that is The One besides Ben. I tried on a dress and it felt like pajamas. And there was no beading or lacyness (though I had grown fond of lace, which is UBER strange). And it is chic. But super comfy. Basically it covered all four of my criteria (see first paragraph for criteria).
Now you may be saying, "Yes, Kaytlin, but surely this magical dress required your life savings and the promise of your first born child. Is it really worth it?"
Let me tell you, my friend, that it did not ask such things. As a matter of fact, it was LESS THAN HALF of what those poser dresses asked of me. Shh. this dress does NOT realize its worth.
So that's been a WONDERFUL thing to check off my list of wedding type things. Besides that I got this little thing we like to call a PRACTICUM in Brown School.
Actually this is a huge deal, if you didn't catch my poorly executed written sarcasm. It may be the biggest source of stress and subsequently the biggest sigh of relief that a first year student feels. It's at this lovely place called Stepping Stones to Success, Inc. They do workshops and programming around leadership, diversity and anti-bias, AND sex ed. It's like it's custom made for me. Plus it's a sweet deal that comes with laptop, printer, and desk. Huzzah.
As for the things I discussed in my last blog, well, most of the air has been cleared. Life has calmed down considerably.
I have this feeling, though, that I'm forgetting to inform you of something.
**edit: that thing was the fact that I'm the new co-chair of Outlook,the Brown school's LGBTQA group, which I'm super excited about, despite what my forgetting may convey**
alright. well, I'm gonna go because actually while I'm attempting to be witty writing here I should be spending this energy writing a midterm, or a life assessment paper, or my gender presentation.
g'nite my loves (all 3 of you, ha)
10.25.2010
Wedding Woes and other life issues
Since I was 10 years old and could even pretend to fathom that I would get married one day (which I had my doubts about, trust me) I knew that it would be an interesting time in my life. I knew that family strife (if you could call it that) would make things complicated but at that point no ones knows exactly how complicated these things can get.
Now, I understand that every family has a level of dysfunction. I also understand that everyone thinks their family is the worst. I know that there are families that have higher levels of dysfunction than mine does, HOWEVER...I'm pretty sure that mine takes the cake in most social circles.
In every wedding blog I've ever read, there have been discussion about family crises and family drama and how it seems nearly inevitable that someone doesn't get along with someone else but on your wedding day, you don't even think about it, and they usually can cooperate for that one day. I really hope so. Actually, I know that will be true (minus the me not thinking about it part) but I know that everyone will play nice and no one will get hurt that day. But in the meantime.....DAMN.
So now I'm going to tell the story of me. And why I am the way I am. and how I came be to (starting after the sex part and all). This is the way I remember it.
I was born in Japan on a military base. My mother was in the Navy and my dad was along for the ride. I have an older brother, DC, who was eight when I was born. DC was my mom's son from another marriage and it seems like DC and Mom lived a lifetime together before my dad and I came along. Thus started the family dysfunction.
I was - and still am - my father's pride and joy. I was his sole reason for doing anything (which we all know is problematic in a marriage - never put kids first). When I was three, we moved from Japan to a (sort of) Chicago 'burb. Mom was stationed at Great Lakes and then was sent on a 6 month tour to Guatanamo Bay, Cuba. I was 6 years old. Meanwhile, Dad took care of DC and me. I was a tomboy, having two men as role models and a mother who was non-traditional. Finally, Mom came home.
I turned 7 at the end of August and that weekend was labor day weekend so we were going to go on a family trip to the Wisconsin Dells. Our bags were packed and we went to bed, ready to leave the next day.
Then my life changed forever. This also happens to coincide with the point where I don't remember so well.
At some point in the middle of the night, my dad pulled me from my bed. Groggily, I walked to the living room where my brother was already sitting and my mom was crying. How confusing.
There was yelling, fighting, a gun, then DC and I crouched in a corner and DC was holding a gun. Finally, Dad said we were leaving and took me and some of the luggage out to the van. I wanted my kitten. DC and I had just found a kitten the week before and DC said I could have it for my birthday (what a great older brother!). I didn't want to leave the kitteh behind.
Dad went back in the house to get my cat. I fell asleep in the van.
I woke up and Dad asked me where I wanted to go.
My answer: Grandpa and Grandma's.
Dad's reply: That's not going to work.
Me: Disneyworld.
Dad: Okay.
Why wouldn't Grandpa and Grandma's work, you ask? Because Dad had just tried to kill my mom, their daughter.
Dad had taken me after this happened so technically I had been kidnapped.
Court proceedings, prison visits, and all sorts of messiness ensued. Ask me if you want deets, I'm pretty forthcoming..I just don't wanna type it all out.
Then it gets complicated because, you see, one would think that I hate my dad after all of this but the kicker is...I don't. I love him. and I love my mom. and I've been to therapy to figure all that out but I've worked through a lot of it (not all, but a lot). But you see, my family hasn't been to therapy and therein lies the rub. They haven't figured any of it out. And while they all crumble into scared pieces, I'm left to pick up the pieces and say "what about me? Isn't this supposed to be Ben's and my day?"
My dad is not a bad guy anymore. He's still confused sometimes about what he should do concerning the decision he made 15 years ago but he loves me and that's all he's ever done. Maybe loved me too much. My mom made poor choices, too. Therefore, I don't play the blame game. It sucked that it happened. Yes my dad made that decision. But it was 15 years ago and here we all are.
So when it comes to wedding woes, I think it's okay that I got 'em but it's getting worked out. I guess I just need to get this off my chest because it's going to be a big part of that day and I think it will continue to be a part of this process whether I go back to therapy or not.
Luckily I have a wonderful partner in Ben who just lets me cry and get mascara and eyeliner on his shoulder and a mom who wants to make it go away but knows that she can't. And even my dad, who just learned that I have these issues is trying. Regardless, it doesn't change who I am, what I do, and how I act and that's where I'm coming from, dysfunction and all.
Now, I understand that every family has a level of dysfunction. I also understand that everyone thinks their family is the worst. I know that there are families that have higher levels of dysfunction than mine does, HOWEVER...I'm pretty sure that mine takes the cake in most social circles.
In every wedding blog I've ever read, there have been discussion about family crises and family drama and how it seems nearly inevitable that someone doesn't get along with someone else but on your wedding day, you don't even think about it, and they usually can cooperate for that one day. I really hope so. Actually, I know that will be true (minus the me not thinking about it part) but I know that everyone will play nice and no one will get hurt that day. But in the meantime.....DAMN.
So now I'm going to tell the story of me. And why I am the way I am. and how I came be to (starting after the sex part and all). This is the way I remember it.
I was born in Japan on a military base. My mother was in the Navy and my dad was along for the ride. I have an older brother, DC, who was eight when I was born. DC was my mom's son from another marriage and it seems like DC and Mom lived a lifetime together before my dad and I came along. Thus started the family dysfunction.
I was - and still am - my father's pride and joy. I was his sole reason for doing anything (which we all know is problematic in a marriage - never put kids first). When I was three, we moved from Japan to a (sort of) Chicago 'burb. Mom was stationed at Great Lakes and then was sent on a 6 month tour to Guatanamo Bay, Cuba. I was 6 years old. Meanwhile, Dad took care of DC and me. I was a tomboy, having two men as role models and a mother who was non-traditional. Finally, Mom came home.
I turned 7 at the end of August and that weekend was labor day weekend so we were going to go on a family trip to the Wisconsin Dells. Our bags were packed and we went to bed, ready to leave the next day.
Then my life changed forever. This also happens to coincide with the point where I don't remember so well.
At some point in the middle of the night, my dad pulled me from my bed. Groggily, I walked to the living room where my brother was already sitting and my mom was crying. How confusing.
There was yelling, fighting, a gun, then DC and I crouched in a corner and DC was holding a gun. Finally, Dad said we were leaving and took me and some of the luggage out to the van. I wanted my kitten. DC and I had just found a kitten the week before and DC said I could have it for my birthday (what a great older brother!). I didn't want to leave the kitteh behind.
Dad went back in the house to get my cat. I fell asleep in the van.
I woke up and Dad asked me where I wanted to go.
My answer: Grandpa and Grandma's.
Dad's reply: That's not going to work.
Me: Disneyworld.
Dad: Okay.
Why wouldn't Grandpa and Grandma's work, you ask? Because Dad had just tried to kill my mom, their daughter.
Dad had taken me after this happened so technically I had been kidnapped.
Court proceedings, prison visits, and all sorts of messiness ensued. Ask me if you want deets, I'm pretty forthcoming..I just don't wanna type it all out.
Then it gets complicated because, you see, one would think that I hate my dad after all of this but the kicker is...I don't. I love him. and I love my mom. and I've been to therapy to figure all that out but I've worked through a lot of it (not all, but a lot). But you see, my family hasn't been to therapy and therein lies the rub. They haven't figured any of it out. And while they all crumble into scared pieces, I'm left to pick up the pieces and say "what about me? Isn't this supposed to be Ben's and my day?"
My dad is not a bad guy anymore. He's still confused sometimes about what he should do concerning the decision he made 15 years ago but he loves me and that's all he's ever done. Maybe loved me too much. My mom made poor choices, too. Therefore, I don't play the blame game. It sucked that it happened. Yes my dad made that decision. But it was 15 years ago and here we all are.
So when it comes to wedding woes, I think it's okay that I got 'em but it's getting worked out. I guess I just need to get this off my chest because it's going to be a big part of that day and I think it will continue to be a part of this process whether I go back to therapy or not.
Luckily I have a wonderful partner in Ben who just lets me cry and get mascara and eyeliner on his shoulder and a mom who wants to make it go away but knows that she can't. And even my dad, who just learned that I have these issues is trying. Regardless, it doesn't change who I am, what I do, and how I act and that's where I'm coming from, dysfunction and all.
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